#1
this is a song i wrote and was wondering what UG's thoughts were. just looking for some comstructive critisism to make it better. thats all. and please be honest
some of the flow is off and i can just tell that some spots are rough. this is a slower rock song in case your wondering.

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EDIT: Revised Version \/

[Intro] (said in a slow soft voice)
There's nothing to do,
And I hate it with you
I guess I'm just not good enough

I'm so ready to leave
Let’s just pick up and go
Completely sick and tired of this...
I’m so gone.

Goodbye my beautiful depression
Goodbye my sinful love
I'm leavin' you here,
But I know you won't miss me much,
Cuz I'm leavin' you here for good

I could be a gentleman, and make up with you,
But of course that wouldn’t be sincere
Running from problems isn’t so good,
But with a problem like you…
I’m so gone

Goodbye my passionate devil
Goodbye my pointless obsession
I'm leavin' you here,
But I know you won't miss me much,
Cuz I'm leavin' you here for good

Chase me if you want,
But sweetheart, you could never catch me
I knew your mask would fall from its place
It doesn’t matter anyways…
I’m so gone

Goodbye my beautiful depression
Goodbye my sinful love
I’m leavin’ you here
But I know you won’t miss me much…

[Outro] (similar to intro)
I’ve got something to do
Now that I’m away from you
Because I’m so gone…
Last edited by AJS19 at Jul 2, 2008,
#2
Quote by AJS19
this is a song i wrote and was wondering what UG's thoughts were. just looking for some comstructive critisism to make it better. thats all. and please be honest
some of the flow is off and i can just tell that some spots are rough.

EDIT: this is a slower rock song in case your wondering.


[Intro] There's nothing to do,
And I hate it with you
I guess I'm just not good enough

Hemm, I like it. Its full of emotion but then again it doens't clench any sporadic ideas.

I'm so ready to leave
Let’s just pick up and go
I wanna leave this all behind
Completely sick and tired of this...
I’m so gone.

There is no point in repeating the first line in the third line unless you only added it to fit the music. Otherwise, you could remove it or alter it. And even if you added it to accomadate the rythym, you could still create something new and original. Its interesting that you said "completely sick and tired of this" early on in the song; it adds interest and intrigue.


Goodbye my beautiful depression
Goodbye my sinful love
I'm leavin' you here,
But I know you won't miss me much,
So I'll pack my bags and go far away
Cuz I'm leavin' you here for good

Packing your bags is a bad line...remove! The following line is not great either. All the previous though are of a great qaulity, full of emotion and reality once again.

I could be a gentleman, and make up with you,
But of course that wouldn’t be sincere
Running from problems isn’t so good,
But with a problem like you…
I’m so gone

"I could be a gentlemen", great line but the next section ruins it. I kinda like it, but it changes the feel of the song too much. I'm all for tributaries in the mood, but not this drastically. This whole section is altered too much.


Goodbye my passionate devil
Goodbye my pointless obsession
I'm leavin' you here,
But I know you won't miss me much,
So I'll pack my bags and go far away
Cuz I'm leavin' you here for good

Excellent!

Chase me if you want,
But sweetheart, you could never catch me
I knew your mask would fall from its place
It doesn’t matter anyways…
I’m so gone

I'm feeling a little tired by this point.

Goodbye my beautiful depression
Goodbye my sinful love
I'm leavin' you here,
But I know you won't miss me much,
So I'll pack my bags and go far away
Cuz I'm leavin' you here for good

Goodbye my passionate devil
Goodbye my pointless obsession
I’m leavin’ you here
But I know you won’t miss me much…

[Outro] I’ve got something to do
Now that I’m away from you
Because I’m so gone

Decent way to end




Overal, it needs shortening and you need to try and stick to one theme. Generally a theme of sadness but then your gradual improvement in your situation and scenary to increasing your confindence and positivity. If that makes sense?
Some of your phrases are cliched and deriative but others are excellent!!

So in all great work!
#3
Some lines, the start for example feels very cliche and a bit forced. It flows better the later in the song, but as mentioned above, shorten it and search for that flow and cut out the parts you don't feel came when you had the flow if you know what I mean. These parts are generally not very good for anyone.
#7
Quote by AJS19
this is a song i wrote and was wondering what UG's thoughts were. just looking for some comstructive critisism to make it better. thats all. and please be honest
some of the flow is off and i can just tell that some spots are rough. this is a slower rock song in case your wondering.

|
EDIT: Revised Version \/

[Intro] (said in a slow soft voice)
There's nothing to do,
And I hate it with you
I guess I'm just not good enough

First off, you don't need to describe how you will sing the song. It doesn't leave much to the imagination.
I can understand what you are trying to do by creating a theme and building up with something easy and slow. It entices you into the story fairly well. But when you do that, you discredit an introduction that could of been a blistering example of emotional poetry. In other words, its simplicity works, but may not for some.
Also, why are you saying "And I hate it with you"? It doesn't seem to work for me, maybe I'm missing it.


I'm so ready to leave
Let’s just pick up and go
Completely sick and tired of this...
I’m so gone.

Your use of the word "so" is very odd. Its not something I would see often or certainly not something I would write myself, but its intriguing. Why did you leave out the word "I'm" in the third line?
"I'm so gone"...hemmm...well its simplicity is evident but its an integral part to the song I imagine.


Goodbye my beautiful depression
Goodbye my sinful love
I'm leavin' you here,
But I know you won't miss me much,
Cuz I'm leavin' you here for good

Try and rewrite the third line, just see what comes out. The fourth line looses its flow with the ending word "much". The last line is cliched I'm afraid.

I could be a gentleman, and make up with you,
But of course that wouldn’t be sincere
Running from problems isn’t so good,
But with a problem like you…
I’m so gone

The first two lines are nice but the last few aren't. ..."isn't so good" - don't like that. Nice tie in with the ending on the phrase you used earlier in the song though.

Goodbye my passionate devil
Goodbye my pointless obsession
I'm leavin' you here,
But I know you won't miss me much,
Cuz I'm leavin' you here for good

First two lines are still excellent.

Chase me if you want,
But sweetheart, you could never catch me
I knew your mask would fall from its place
It doesn’t matter anyways…
I’m so gone

Third line = bad. Rest = good.


Goodbye my beautiful depression
Goodbye my sinful love
I’m leavin’ you here
But I know you won’t miss me much…

[Outro] (similar to intro)
I’ve got something to do
Now that I’m away from you
Because I’m so gone…


Well overal there are little improvements but there are still sections I don't like. The flow seems to change often throughout which I'm sure you don't mean to do, but it still occurs inside my head space.
In the first verse's, there is the addition of odd sounding words according to the piece's rythme, just tucked in there and they ruin the flow for me. I'm not an obsessive flow fan, but I do realise its importance.
I'm far from the standard of excellence as other writers on UG retain, but to me, ballance is the most important thing. You need to read it back and be very honest with yourself. If you see any sort of mistakes or blunders or reiterations then try doing this: Rewrite the whole piece really quickly; don't be afraid to do it because it may spur some ideas out. Just jam. There is no shame in a total re-working of a song.
You need to add a few imagery ideas: Some nice phrasing, maybe some literay devices, rhyming, rythym, alliteration, similes, odd wordings and triplet groupings; they're all different ways in which you can create a senario or emotion.
Simplicity is often excellent but not in a size such as this. Try and rescale this entire song and its structure.
The idea behind it is clear and prevalent and it explained well but overal, I feel it can be a whole lot better. You just need to work with it more. But then again sometimes, it just doens't come.

Hope I helped,

Digitally Clean.
#8
Quote by AngryGoldfish
Well overal there are little improvements but there are still sections I don't like. The flow seems to change often throughout which I'm sure you don't mean to do, but it still occurs inside my head space.
In the first verse's, there is the addition of odd sounding words according to the piece's rythme, just tucked in there and they ruin the flow for me. I'm not an obsessive flow fan, but I do realise its importance.
I'm far from the standard of excellence as other writers on UG retain, but to me, ballance is the most important thing. You need to read it back and be very honest with yourself. If you see any sort of mistakes or blunders or reiterations then try doing this: Rewrite the whole piece really quickly; don't be afraid to do it because it may spur some ideas out. Just jam. There is no shame in a total re-working of a song.
You need to add a few imagery ideas: Some nice phrasing, maybe some literay devices, rhyming, rythym, alliteration, similes, odd wordings and triplet groupings; they're all different ways in which you can create a senario or emotion.
Simplicity is often excellent but not in a size such as this. Try and rescale this entire song and its structure.
The idea behind it is clear and prevalent and it explained well but overal, I feel it can be a whole lot better. You just need to work with it more. But then again sometimes, it just doens't come.

Hope I helped,

Digitally Clean.


hey man. thanks ill take that all into consideration.
i am actually not the writer. just the guitar player putting guitar to it. a girl in my class writes my lyrics for me
but yeah i fix them up a bit and we are a pretty good duo.
anyway. if you ever need anything in return just ask man. peace.