#1
Old news bears, I figured I'd post some really old, crappy piece I found earlier today. So, tear this biznitch apart and leave links.

""

"your voice is more lulling than the breeze."
she says, and so I held my breath; to keep from messing up her hair, to keep from having to say anything. The look of disappointment she had went well with the blue in my face, and we both thought it better to just turn and walk away.

"This is all on you, sweetheart", I says to myself as I looked over my shoulder to watch her brush her hair aside and keep a smile to herself. I didn't need her to do, or say anything more than she had to. We had both stopped walking shortly afterwards, but she only did to dust off her shoes; the main difference is that I acted like I had some dirt on mine too.

She easily picked herself up and continued to leave, while I thought it better to lay on the ground and pray for some breeze.
Last edited by Final at Jun 20, 2008,
#2
didn't need to her to do
an extra "to" maybe?

This was nice but a bit awkward at times. The blue in my face sentence didn't sound right to me. I loved the second paragraph except for the words "the main difference." That phrase didn't fit to me. It seems unnecessary and seems to mess up the flow.

I liked the ending a lot though but the second half seemed a little unbalanced in syllables and I didn't like that here. The idea is nice but it's a very vague piece of writing as far as forming a picture of any sort, not that that's always bad but as a whole, this was kind of bare. I enjoyed reading it though

cool
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#3
Quote by Final
I figured I'd post some really old, crappy piece I found earlier today.
not crappy, Keeno.

"I says" was a conversational moment that would work stylistically, if played up more. but in the singular instance like that, it just looks like an error in tense.

imho, the piece would benefit from a 'poetic' display with line breaks rather than linear stream.


definitely not crappy.
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