#1
hey guys. C4C
i didnt really like this one that much. Its written in a different style from my previous pieces (atleast i think so). im not a big fan of the outcome. Tear it apart.


oils

She keeps shaking hands with fluorescent rays,
as i sit, cross fingers and enjoy the parade.
time lies on a bench waving its pen
to the badly drawn clouds above its head.
Here comes the rain
“We need to go honey, its getting late”
She keeps insisting on taking a plane
to the place where i met her.
under an island.
i think i saw her leaving.
her heart went the other way.
karma whistles adagio,
at the dawn of a perfect day.

I made her a watch out of paper and glue
I told her she needed one, she cried.
I made her a poem with rhythmless rhymes
just to see her smile again.
she did smile, while looking away;
I could tell she wanted to sink
as we lied on her bed

I can see a few scribbled lines
between these bright skies.
wish i was a bit more blind.
wish i could see her eyes in the dark.
someone should tell her
mirros are not sold at the park

she should've left

“Honey, I’m not what the sign reads”
She nodded as she continued reading a magazine.



edited a few bits. tee-hee
Last edited by cubs at Jun 20, 2008,
#2
She keeps shaking hands with fluorescent rays,
as i sit, cross fingers and enjoy the parade.
time lies on a bench waving its pento the badly drawn clouds above its head.
Here comes the rain
“We need to go honey, its getting late”
She keeps insisting on taking a plane
to the place where i met her.
under an island.
i think i saw her leaving.
her heart went the other way.
karma whistles adagio,
at the dawn of a perfect day.


Whats a pento? I looked it up and couldn't find anything. I liked "time lies on the bench" but some of your metaphors are a bit confusing, especially the part about the plane and the island. The flow also seems blunted at that part. The rhyme at the end was well done and I loved the second to last line.

I made her a watch out of paper and glue
I told her she needed one, she cried.
I made her a poem with rhythmless rhymes
just to see her smile again.
she did smile, while looking away;
I could tell she wanted to sink
as we lied on her bed


Paper and glue... fragile people stuck together? Thats the sense that I got, and any rate I like the way it sounds. I don't know if rhythmless is a real word but I'm no dictionary; besides, poets are making up new words all the time . "Lied" doesn't really work as a pun because in the tense you are using it would be lay, though it does work in the sense that you are lying to each other.

I can see a few scribbled lines
between these bright skies.
wish i was a bit more blind.
wish i could see her eyes in the dark.
someone should tell her
mirros are not sold at the park


The rest I had to think about to understand but your meaning is perfectly clear here. The last line confused me but I think its because I'm missing something from the first stanza. This was my favorite part.


she should've left


I'm not a big fan of italicizing and any expression that can't be made with a pen and paper, but this worked. The last two lines didn't blow me away, but they were good.

I felt I had to think too much to understand what you were saying, and I still missed things. I can be pretty dense though . A few lines really stood out for me but for the most part I had trouble reading it 'cause I had to stop and think so much. Not bad though.
"To be matter-of-fact about the world is to blunder into fantasy - and dull fantasy at that, as the real world is strange and wonderful." - Robert A. Heinlein
#3
lol, i just realized the mistake on the first stanza, its supposed to be [...waving its pen to the badly...] i must of have accidentally erased a space while i edited this. sorry for that.

anyway, thanks for the crit. I can see why you had trouble understanding this. if it helps its about a guy and girl in the middle of a happy relationship, yadda yadda, something bad happens, girl wants to leave him, they both try to fix it, theyre apparently good again though they know theyre not, blah blah, then at the end they dont even bother, they dont really care for each other anymore. not really personal, though it was fun to write. once again thanks for the crit.