#1
midnight neighborhood watch congregations
stop and plot.....its what makes us flesh
pearl pictures ruined by chimney ash
that i found on the crowsnest floor

if all goes well,
let the right window breathe

follow the finger print trail
apart from bleach black gloves
"i could never be blind, i can't read braille "

broken clock remedies,i know its not 2P.M.
seems someone stole the tick a time ago
"it was a dream"
blocking screams with an A.M. radio

leave me the bars i'll forge
a hallowed box filled with lucid dreams
stealing stars from 4-stroke cars
with a gladiator axe in the back of the taxi

beach shore ovations
composed of sand and man
when i waved the wave goodbye
he didn't understand
Reaching for the sun
one may forget
the feet which
ground him
Last edited by bigbirdfan at Jun 20, 2008,
#4
midnight neighborhood watch congregations
stop and plot.....its what makes us flesh
pearl pictures ruined by chimney ash
that i found on the crowsnest floor
the first line and half of the second
are a sonic nightmare when spoken.


if all goes right,
let the right window breatheX2
i dislike the repetition of right in two lines
perhaps well for the first instance?
X2 looks awful.


follow the finger print trail
apart from bleach black gloves
"i could never be blind, i can't read brail" *braille

broken clock remedies,i know its not 2P.M.
seems someone stole the tick a time ago
"it was a dream"
blocking screams with an A.M. radio

leave me the bars,ill forge
space after the comma. do you mean i'll?
a hallow box filled lucid dreams
hollow or hallowed,
but i can't say which.
this piece is too trippy to know exactly what you're after here.

stealing stars from 4-stoke cars *stroke
with a gladiator axe in the back of the taxi

beach shore ovations
composed of sand and man
when i waved the wave goodbye
he didn't understand


fun read. who needs drugs when you have bigbirdfan? :P
Meadows
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#5
"a gladiator axe in the back of the taxi"
"bleach black gloves"

You have some really good lines in here! It's a little hard to follow. I think you could fix a few of your grammatical problems and this could really be good! It needs a few tweaks, but it's looking like a great piece.