#1
Liars' tale of sickened wonder
Broken back from God's great thunder
Choke the faith you once held proudly
Shout the medication loudly

Taken back through times sweat romance
Sing a song to this couple's last dance
Cause the pain for all God's children
Nothing you do will ever fill them

Strip clubs pull your carcass inward
Dig a grave for those you murdered
Hide your fears with obvious devices
Look the eye of all your vices

Make this statement to your parents
Show no fear! Show no relent
They'll understand they always do
Your Father wouldn't sacrifice you

But yet there is a pulling thought
What if this man is all I sought?
Could He be the one I need?
Perhaps I'm just an apple...
An apple in the feast
#2
interesting rhythm in this one.

Liars' tale of sickened wonder
Broken back from God's great thunder
Choke the faith you once held proudly
Shout the medication loudly

Taken back through times sweat romance
do you mean sweet?
Sing a song to this couple's last dance
this line is the first time you've broken away
from what could be wall-to-wall trochee.
it's not a horrible thing, but noticeable.

Cause the pain for all God's children
Nothing you do will ever fill them
if you can live with done to replace you do,
it will smooth the rhythm here.
or any one syllable word that can be stressed.


Strip clubs pull your carcass inward
Dig a grave for those you murdered
Hide your fears with obvious devices
cluttery rhythm toward the end.
there are 3 unstressed syllables between the ob of obvious
and the vice of devices.

Look the eye of all your vices
grammatically, this is weak without
in as the second word.
but the rhythm likes it better the way you have it.


Make this statement to your parents
Show no fear! Show no relent
this is a truly interesting line.
the first instance will have Show stressed
and the second have no stressed, instead.

They'll understand they always do
Your Father wouldn't sacrifice you
sacrifice forces a triplet.
not awful, but not tight.


But yet there is a pulling thought
What if this man is all I sought?
Could He be the one I need?
Perhaps I'm just an apple...
An apple in the feast


save the few breaks, this piece has remarkably strong rhythm.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.