#1
As I'm still a beginner at writing lyrics, I could really use some pointers on how to improve this lyric. Personally I don't know what to think about this piece. What bothers me the most is: is the wording too cliché or is it okay?

I'm still trying to write an ending but I'm stuck. I didn't know what to improve any more so I thought let's see what other people thing about it.


It started out so great
You let me wander within your soul
And you showed me things that no one could ever shown

But then I came too close
And you suddenly had to go
And you left me there with no one else to hold

Get! Lost! Is what you yelled yesterday
Seek! Me! Is what you want the other day
Feel! Pain! Is what you gave me yesterday
Heal! Me! Is what you did the next day

When I found out the truth
It just teared me apart
And you kept me wondering what I should do now

Should I keep you in my thoughts
Or should I just let go
And see if you will come back on your own

Get! Lost! Is what you yelled yesterday
Seek! Me! Is what you want the other day
Feel! Pain! Is what you gave me yesterday
Heal! Me! Is what you did the next day
Last edited by Gert-Jan at Jun 19, 2008,
#2
Its OK, but it still needs a lot more work. Two key things to remeber: SONG STRUCTURE and RHYMING!!!!!!!!! Song structure is good, but you need to rhyme more. Me, me, day, day, yesterday? Come on those are the EASIEST words to rhyme with
#3
Really not bad for an early piece. A few things: the third line of the first verse is awkward. It should be "show" instead of "shown" and it doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I see what you were going for with the repetition in the chorus but it doesn't really work. I would try rhyming instead, its easier to make something rhyme effectively than to make repetition powerful. "Want" should be "wanted". The chorus is the only really grating part, the rest is actually well written. A little cliche, but nobody expects you to pull Shakespeare out of your ass; as you keep writing you'll develop your own voice. Besides, rock bands get away with cliches all the time . Keep it up!
"To be matter-of-fact about the world is to blunder into fantasy - and dull fantasy at that, as the real world is strange and wonderful." - Robert A. Heinlein