#1
As I was walking through a field of corn on a purple moon lit night,
Something struck my eye, a most peculiar sight,
A box sat before me, it had an eerie glow,
I opened the box and discovered a very magic stone!

In my hand I held the most beautiful thing I had ever seen!
Oh, what a sight! My dreams have taken flight! My worries have suddenly vanished
in the dark wonderful scene!

As I held the stone, I felt myself lift of the ground,
It was magic that stone contained and
it made a entrancing humming sound!
Oh, the things I suddenly had planned!

In my hand I held the most beautiful thing I had ever seen!
Oh, what a sight! My dreams have taken flight! My worries have suddenly vanished
in the dark wonderful scene!

With that stone I could perform the most amazing deeds.
I could fly, move things and make people's sorrow fade away.
But the stone has vanished in thin air, I can not help them with their needs.
I have done the best I could, good things are never here to stay.

In my hand I held the most beautiful thing I had ever seen!
Oh, what a sight! My dreams have taken flight! My worries have suddenly vanished
in the dark wonderful scene!
#2
To me, this read like a nursery rhyme, not a metal song. The rhymes are too... pretty. And its too, happy, when it should sound more like:

These thougths burn a hole in my heart
These thoughts will keep me feeling
These thougths burn a hole in my heart
These thoughts will keep me feeling

but maybe thats just me.

And im not saying its bad at all, it just needs work.
#3
Yeah, I know... I thought the same thing. I was thinking Dr. Suess hahaha! But hey... Darkness is wonderful and Good things are never here to stay! The last bits bleak! mwhahaha!... okay nevermind... thanks though!
#4
display on the page is important.
this is a song, so lay it out more like a song.
split these lines in half, the way they'll be phrased when sung.
that will help the read.

you don't need to cap the beginning of each line.
just use caps at the beginning of a new sentence.
that helps in understanding the progression of the story.

and dump all of the exclamation points.
when you have so many,
they lose all meaning and just turn into clutter.


As I was walking through a field of corn on a purple moon lit night,
if the rhythm can handle it, just start at Walking.
my guess is, this will give a cleaner start and actually improve the rhythm.
moonlit would look better as one word.

Something struck my eye, a most peculiar sight,
struck might be harsh sounding.
if you want to soften this, use caught or look for another.

A box sat before me, it had an eerie glow,
look for other ways to say this.
sat and had are a bit simplistic.

I opened the box and discovered a very magic stone!
very? most useless term you could ever employ.
avoid it like the plague.
magic?
if the stone is more than a dookie,
you'll tell us about it as time goes on.
saying this now, just spoils the story.
tell us how it called to you,
or caused your heart to race.
do whatever you like to add to the mystery,
but don't give too much away yet.


In my hand I held the most beautiful thing I had ever seen!
except for your hand, throw this whole line in the trash.
be awed by its radiance, filled with wonder, stunned by the sight, tremble with delight, mesmerized by the iridescence. w/e
don't tell us it's beautiful, let us feel that by how you react to it.
or compare it with something.
or describe it in terms that a stone would not have.
give it life. make it a tiny planet or a sun. or at least a unique quality of its own.

Oh, what a sight! My dreams have taken flight! My worries have suddenly vanished
in the dark wonderful scene!
pieces of this idea are not bad, but you need to reassemble them.
and the worry thing is useless.
you never showed any signs of worry before.
why would that go away now?
this is the chorus. it will be repeated.
it needs to be strong on its own.


As I held the stone, I felt myself lift of the ground,
It was magic that stone contained and
it made a entrancing humming sound!
Oh, the things I suddenly had planned!
drop the word magic. a child would write that.
you have four lines to work with here.
levitation and entrancement are good,
but weave this tighter.
the last line is the kind of thing you need to avoid.


In my hand I held the most beautiful thing I had ever seen!
Oh, what a sight! My dreams have taken flight! My worries have suddenly vanished
in the dark wonderful scene!

With that stone I could perform the most amazing deeds.
throw this line out.
I could fly, move things and make people's sorrow fade away.
I could fly should be changed to I flew
then continue on to tell of the things you did, not the fact you were capable of doing things.

But the stone has vanished in thin air, I can not help them with their needs.
vanished? what a horrible end for a stone.
rethink the possibilities.
could the stone turn to dust or tar or coal?
could it become a gem or a pearl with even more beauty than before,
but with no power to change or heal?
could it look the same, but the warmth cool and the glow fade to a glimmer?
it's your story, write it how you see fit.
i just want you to consider possibilities.

I have done the best I could, good things are never here to stay.

In my hand I held the most beautiful thing I had ever seen!
Oh, what a sight! My dreams have taken flight! My worries have suddenly vanished
in the dark wonderful scene!


there's enough of interest here to just tighten up a few places and call it good.
or you can really tear into this and make it rock.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#5
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
display on the page is important.
this is a song, so lay it out more like a song.
split these lines in half, the way they'll be phrased when sung.
that will help the read.

you don't need to cap the beginning of each line.
just use caps at the beginning of a new sentence.
that helps in understanding the progression of the story.

and dump all of the exclamation points.
when you have so many,
they lose all meaning and just turn into clutter.


As I was walking through a field of corn on a purple moon lit night,
if the rhythm can handle it, just start at Walking.
my guess is, this will give a cleaner start and actually improve the rhythm.
moonlit would look better as one word.

Something struck my eye, a most peculiar sight,
struck might be harsh sounding.
if you want to soften this, use caught or look for another.

A box sat before me, it had an eerie glow,
look for other ways to say this.
sat and had are a bit simplistic.

I opened the box and discovered a very magic stone!
very? most useless term you could ever employ.
avoid it like the plague.
magic?
if the stone is more than a dookie,
you'll tell us about it as time goes on.
saying this now, just spoils the story.
tell us how it called to you,
or caused your heart to race.
do whatever you like to add to the mystery,
but don't give too much away yet.


In my hand I held the most beautiful thing I had ever seen!
except for your hand, throw this whole line in the trash.
be awed by its radiance, filled with wonder, stunned by the sight, tremble with delight, mesmerized by the iridescence. w/e
don't tell us it's beautiful, let us feel that by how you react to it.
or compare it with something.
or describe it in terms that a stone would not have.
give it life. make it a tiny planet or a sun. or at least a unique quality of its own.

Oh, what a sight! My dreams have taken flight! My worries have suddenly vanished
in the dark wonderful scene!
pieces of this idea are not bad, but you need to reassemble them.
and the worry thing is useless.
you never showed any signs of worry before.
why would that go away now?
this is the chorus. it will be repeated.
it needs to be strong on its own.


As I held the stone, I felt myself lift of the ground,
It was magic that stone contained and
it made a entrancing humming sound!
Oh, the things I suddenly had planned!
drop the word magic. a child would write that.
you have four lines to work with here.
levitation and entrancement are good,
but weave this tighter.
the last line is the kind of thing you need to avoid.


In my hand I held the most beautiful thing I had ever seen!
Oh, what a sight! My dreams have taken flight! My worries have suddenly vanished
in the dark wonderful scene!

With that stone I could perform the most amazing deeds.
throw this line out.
I could fly, move things and make people's sorrow fade away.
I could fly should be changed to I flew
then continue on to tell of the things you did, not the fact you were capable of doing things.

But the stone has vanished in thin air, I can not help them with their needs.
vanished? what a horrible end for a stone.
rethink the possibilities.
could the stone turn to dust or tar or coal?
could it become a gem or a pearl with even more beauty than before,
but with no power to change or heal?
could it look the same, but the warmth cool and the glow fade to a glimmer?
it's your story, write it how you see fit.
i just want you to consider possibilities.

I have done the best I could, good things are never here to stay.

In my hand I held the most beautiful thing I had ever seen!
Oh, what a sight! My dreams have taken flight! My worries have suddenly vanished
in the dark wonderful scene!


there's enough of interest here to just tighten up a few places and call it good.
or you can really tear into this and make it rock.


Wow, your good! Thanks!