#1
One of my first attempts at non-rhyming poetry, but as you can see I gave up on that pretty quick. Any advice would be appreciated, especially concerning non-rhyming poetry. C4C.

The party parts
as the lion limps through the room.
Repelled like the Red Sea
walls of water
wait to exhale.

Amassing in his wake
the silence
breaks.
A glassy lake of glazed eyes,
drunken ducks and drakes.

Men turn into snakes,
women act like cats.
Probing echoes locate libidos;
groping, grasping bats.

The lion crouches on the couch.
His heart
roars
but his voice
squeaks.
He does not speak.

A marinade of alcohol
serenades the serpent's crawl.
Tomorrow we'll rebuild the wall;
tonight we raze the hall.

The lion limps off early,
masked by monotone;
alone
with frigid, aching bones.
"To be matter-of-fact about the world is to blunder into fantasy - and dull fantasy at that, as the real world is strange and wonderful." - Robert A. Heinlein
Last edited by Santeria420 at Jun 20, 2008,
#3
Thats nice, but could you not pick it apart so harshly? heh nah, thanks for the comment.
"To be matter-of-fact about the world is to blunder into fantasy - and dull fantasy at that, as the real world is strange and wonderful." - Robert A. Heinlein
#4
Quote by Santeria420
One of my first attempts at non-rhyming poetry, but as you can see I gave up on that pretty quick. Any advice would be appreciated, especially concerning non-rhyming poetry. C4C.

The party parts
as the lion limps through the room.
Repelled like the Red Sea
walls of water
wait to exhale.

weird way to start. nice use of alliteration in the first lines (party-parts, lion-limps). im not sure if the red sea line works. i loved the last 2 lines though.

Coalescing in his wake
the silence
breaks.
A glassy lake of glazed eyes
conceals carnal lies.

was the line break really necesary? also i dont really see the first lines standing on its own, it feels like they need something else to become more solid.

The men turn into snakes,
the women act like cats.
Probing echoes locate libidos;
groping, garrulous bats.

there's really no need for the in the first lines. it reads a bit akward imo. also i think find would be better than locate in the third line, locate sort of cuts the flow, find will flow better me thinks.

The lion crouches on the couch;
his heart
roars
but his voice
squeaks.
He does not speak.

not bad, not amazing either.

A marinade of alcohol
serenades the serpent's crawl.
Tomorrow we'll rebuild the wall;
tonight we raze the hall.

loved this stanza. perfect flow, solid, nice rhyming scheme. favorite so far.

The lion departs early,
masked by monotone;
alone
with frigid, aching bones.

not really a fan of the ending, i dont feel its strong enough for an ending. thats probably just me though.

to be honest, i wasnt really feeling this piece. you have a nice vocabulary, but i really didnt get anything out of this. sure there were some great lines, but i wasnt feeling this as a whole.

i would appreciate if you take a look at my newest piece. http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=888395
#5
I appreciate your honesty. The line break in the second stanza is necessary to the flow I was trying to establish. "Breaks" wasn't really meant as a rhyme to "wake", since I think technically the "s" makes it different. I think if I changed the last line to something non-rhyming it would sound better. I'm taking your advice on the "the", "locate" is essential though, for the alliteration and the play-on-words of "echo location".

I think I laid it on too thick with the vocabulary. "Coalescing" is just one that I think could be changed into something simpler.

I'll get to yours ASAP.
"To be matter-of-fact about the world is to blunder into fantasy - and dull fantasy at that, as the real world is strange and wonderful." - Robert A. Heinlein
#6
Quote by Santeria420
I appreciate your honesty. The line break in the second stanza is necessary to the flow I was trying to establish. "Breaks" wasn't really meant as a rhyme to "wake", since I think technically the "s" makes it different. I think if I changed the last line to something non-rhyming it would sound better. I'm taking your advice on the "the", "locate" is essential though, for the alliteration and the play-on-words of "echo location".

I think I laid it on too thick with the vocabulary. "Coalescing" is just one that I think could be changed into something simpler.

I'll get to yours ASAP.


glad to have helped, and yes i suggest changing coalescing, i had to look it up on a dictionary. i didnt say anything because english is not my first language so i thought it could just be me
#7
Quote by Santeria420
One of my first attempts at non-rhyming poetry, but as you can see I gave up on that pretty quick. Any advice would be appreciated, especially concerning non-rhyming poetry. C4C.

The party parts doesn't read right, try another word for 'parts'
as the lion limps through the room.
Repelled like the Red Sea
walls of water
wait to exhale. interesting imagery, but 'wait to exhale' seems sort of weak and awkward.

Amassing in his wake
the silence
breaks. i like the line breaks here
A glassy lake of glazed eyes,
drunken ducks and drakes. forced alliteration, but it reads well

Men turn into snakes,
women act like cats.
Probing echoes locate libidos;
groping, grasping bats. doesn't make sense? lemme know what it means

The lion crouches on the couch.
His heart
roars
but his voice
squeaks.
He does not speak. good good. nice line breaks

A marinade of alcohol
serenades the serpent's crawl.
Tomorrow we'll rebuild the wall;
tonight we raze the hall. very forced rhyming, would work better without

The lion limps off early,
masked by monotone;
alone
with frigid, aching bones. good ending
overall, i'd say you have good ideas but you aren't yet able to focus them into one cohesive piece. i also felt that maybe the content didn't have any particular meaning. i say, choose what you want to write about, and go for it. don't beat around the bush.
"i'd give my soul to be where i was a year ago... if i had a soul left to give"
#8
I thought the fifth stanza was the weakest, to be honest.

I haven't really got anything new to offer, all I can do really is echo TV's comments, in general. I think that you certainly have some degree of talent, as a writer, but inexperience seems to radiate from the page in some way - nothing I can put my finger on. I'm not sure how old you are, but this appears to very young.

I guess it's very constrained - there's no crazed pacing about it, there's no inclination of a heartfelt twist or a spin off in some spontaneous direction that inspires excitement in the reader. Beginning this, I knew that it wasn't going to take my breath away before I'd even passed the third line.

Parts of it were beautiful - especially "groping, grasping bats" - the suspension of that as the conclusion of the stanza indicates a true poetic nature, to some extent at least.

I guess my advice, as patronising as this may sound, (I don't intend to sit firmly upon the high horse as I am in the same position as you) is just to continue writing. And i'll continue reading.
#9
Quote by TV Party
overall, i'd say you have good ideas but you aren't yet able to focus them into one cohesive piece. i also felt that maybe the content didn't have any particular meaning. i say, choose what you want to write about, and go for it. don't beat around the bush.


Well, I was drunk on 64 ounces of high gravity lager when I wrote it, and the stanzas weren't even connected to each other until I pieced them together sober and revised them. This isn't the usual approach I take to writing. The meaning is that the lion is too proud to fit himself into the chemistry of the group; he sees them as blind to the true nature of their motivations by alcohol and hormones. He is the real fool, however, as he goes home cold and alone while the rabble lives it up.

"Probing echoes locate libidos": I'm relating human speech to echo location, people laying on their game, so to speak. "Groping, grasping bats" depicts the sexual apprehension in the air of these blind creatures that are lost if they aren't spending every waking second talking to each other. The lion (myself, of course) can't see why they waste so much time chit-chatting away. Don't these people stop to breathe every once in a while? Now that I've had to explain it I can see why you wouldn't be able to make sense of it .

I think that you certainly have some degree of talent, as a writer, but inexperience seems to radiate from the page in some way - nothing I can put my finger on. I'm not sure how old you are, but this appears to very young.


This bothered me when I first read it, but I don't think you're off base. The thing is, I'm not young, I'm 21, and I've been writing since I was nine years old. In poetry its hard for me not to rhyme because thats how I usually establish my flow. This was an experiment in something new to me and isn't something I'm particularly proud of. If it radiates inexperience it is because I am inexperienced in this style, but certainly not as a writer.

/egorant

Its people like you that get me thinking critically about my writing, though. If I continue to revise this I'll keep your advice in mind. That goes for the rest of you, too. I'll strive to keep my lion's pride from obstructing my development.
"To be matter-of-fact about the world is to blunder into fantasy - and dull fantasy at that, as the real world is strange and wonderful." - Robert A. Heinlein