#1
This means a lot to me. There's a lot of stuff thats hidden in here that some of you might not get but if you think about it a little I'm sure you'll figure it out. I think I'm having some problems with subtlety though. C4C. Tear this SONG apart please.


The Best Thing On This Forum.- A Steve and Dylan Production


The Paradoz
leapt

from it's catacombs and
with it's Twenty Seven fingers grabbed hold of
Stevaroo. "NO!"
shouted our hero, D-Dog, as he loaded the trident
into his musket, "this
will end here!"
As he fired the world was
silent,
nothing moved.
Brave as he was, D-Dog
shut
his eyes!
scared that he might have missed the beast.

Then, with a thud,
the Paradoz fell to the
musty floor, dead!
D-Dog celebrated with Stevaroo's corpse, who had
died before
D-Dog could kill the beast. D-Dog then had a mythical
dance party.


D-Dog sat Stevaroo up in the middle of the dance floor
and fed him alcohol through a giant tube.
After death, Stevaroo found Wallace and said,
"AHA! I FOUND YOU YOU GODDAMN BASTARD!"
but then he realized it was a
sock.

The End.
#2
Huh?!!! Wat the ****?! Wat?!!!...

...

...

I can't ****in grasp it. Your song has finally left me speechless. Why? Cuz it makes no ****in sense to me. Damn your song, man. ****in weirdass song...
#3
I'm simply amazed by your masterful use of literary devices.

The allegories were spot-on, the formatting was a stroke of genius. And the way that you implied how the romanticisms between the two protagonist-lovers was really commentary on the human condition amongst the growing corruption in a technoligical and thoroughly materialistic society? Utter brilliance!


I would've preferred a less predictable ending though. Your clear foreshadowing gave Wallace away earlier on.


Still, probably the best piece I've seen from you. 9.8/10

All the best (not that you need it!),
~Ed.
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
#4
There's a lot of stuff thats hidden in here that some of you might not get but if you think about it a little I'm sure you'll figure it out.


Hint please? You're making me feel stupid... heh I love the end, great story man. When I saw the crazy format I thought "Oh no, another gimmick" but it turned out to be awesome, like listening to someone tell a campfire story. Its hard to critique because 1) I get the feeling I'm missing a lot, unless you just said there was hidden stuff so people would beat their heads into the wall looking for it and 2) Its freakin awesome, complete with a mythical dance party. Now I don't know what that is but I want one. Ah, your elusive hidden meanings torture me!
"To be matter-of-fact about the world is to blunder into fantasy - and dull fantasy at that, as the real world is strange and wonderful." - Robert A. Heinlein
#6
^Mhm. I was lucky enough to witness it.
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
#7
Well, I didn't like it.

I got nothing like the meaning fly got at all. Maybe it was the style, idk. I got nothing

Just, really not for me.




This reminds me of Kyrls piece he posted just to laugh at our reactions.
#8
Quote by Jammydude44
Well, I didn't like it.

I got nothing like the meaning fly got at all. Maybe it was the style, idk. I got nothing

Just, really not for me.




Try looking at the bolded parts, italicized parts the different parts on different sides of the page, they all connect. Like, try reading them together. This goes for the guys who were confused as well.

And I'm sorry you never like anything I write Jamie, not relateble enough to you I guess. Oh well, yeah, sorry. . I thought that because it was a song you might like it but no, not even then, not even then.

anything you guys want me to crit?
#9
Oh Mercy Me could use a look over. It's not nearly as good as this, though

:P
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
#10
i have read this about 50 times and taken your comments as suggestion. i still don't see any foreshadowing of Wallace. maybe i'm missing some part of a story or something. furthermore, when i read the bolded, italicized and underlined parts i just get a weird stream of consciousness list. nothing more.


that said i still enjoy it.
#11
Quote by #1 synth

And I'm sorry you never like anything I write Jamie, not relateble enough to you I guess. Oh well, yeah, sorry. . I thought that because it was a song you might like it but no, not even then, not even then.

anything you guys want me to crit?


Oh stop it lol. You knows I appreciate your writing. Don't be so down, lol.

If it's a song then the formatting doesn't count squat, lol. I really have no idea how you're telling me to look at the formatting yet claiming it's a song.

This just wasn't my thing, poetry or song. Couldn't get into it, nor did I see any meaning, at all.

<3
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Jun 20, 2008,
#14
Interesting. I'm with jamie though, this is the same thing you've been giving Joris hell for for how long now? I mean, it doesn't have a code box... but its the same gimmick style with semi-broken ideas left with a deeper meaning. Sometimes it works for me, sometimes it doesn't. This time, I felt like I didn't get anything. I read your comment and tryed doing that as well... it still just fell dead on me. Sorry mate.
#15
I don't understand this at all. I read your post about reading the bold, italicized, and all that.. But I still don't understand a single word of this. I feel really stupid. lol

Also, I agree with Jammy. You said it was a song, so the way you write it on paper shouldn't play into it because no one will ever know that unless they look here. If you try singing that, it'll just sound like a random song.
Last edited by Garb at Jun 20, 2008,
#17
It is pretentious and stupid. Go drop acid and listen to Frances the Mute by Mars Volta like usual. Let's change every few words' fonts to seem as though we are making some parts more important than others because they should be emphasized for artistic value.
#18
I'm going to try and expand on what Fly said... It was hard to put together though because there aren't distinctive stanzas, except in one place.

Er, I was going to quote things but then the formatting dies. ^^, So I'll quote the areas that I can, for good reference.

The first section is great. It immediatly pulled me. I love the italicized catacombs because it projects movement, and I can feel the way that The Paradoz lept. It brings so much more power into that action, and too late, as though to bring more life into the fact that Stevaro noticed what was happening too late.

The way you continue to play up your hero in the next section, almost parodying the usual heroes and rescue-plots in literature, but with a good measure of reality, as well. My favorite part is the size of silent, because it shows how large it is - perhaps larger than the paradoz even. It makes me wonder if the silence created by the action, the violence even, is the real villain of this epic poem. (Epic the literary term - though it is also epic in the colloquial sense.) The gap between "nothing" and "moved" represents the silence in an unspoken way, and gave me chills, honestly.

"Brave as he was, D-Dog
shut
his eyes!"

I think this was one of the best parts, because it is so human. It holds everything that anyone who has lived feels - the fear of failure. But not the failure that keeps us from working in the first place, but the fear of it after the fact. It's so human, so real. And his eyes closing... not only is he trying to close his eyes on the fear but on himself - he wants to ignore the fact that he is too weak to believe in himself. It's so powerful.


The section where D-Dog dances with the corpse is stirring...It's the true shift of the poem. Celebration is tinged with the desecration of a dead body - as if to speak about how today's people find the most horrible ways to enjoy themselves. This poem, really, is the best commentary on the world's current generations...I can't help but wonder how you fit it all into one poem.

I think Wallace is masquerading as what everyone searches for after death: more than darkness, a heaven. The fact that it's really a sock is so dark, so ... I can't even think of words to describe it. As with the rest of the poem, the message behind it is so strong. We might find something in the after life, but it will not be what we're looking for.


I usually prefer titles that speak more about the poem, although I can't deny that this title is entirely the truth. This was such a great read, and reminded me a lot of House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski. It's always good to be reminded of him.


I wish I could have been more helpful than complimentary, but that's not a bad thing, oui? I would ask for a review in turn, as my friend tell me this site is very c4c? But I do not have anything up yet...


have a wonderful life! And please, keep writing. The world needs more art like this to drown the pricks and literary cheats.
#21
Quote by we have sound

You can write. But you choose to write shit/


Agreed.
and this moment keeps on movin'
we were never meant to hold on.
#22
Just because it is obscure, does not make it genius.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#23
Ofc it does. If you don't understand it, it's because you're not clever enough TO understand it, thus making it above you, and thus better.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#24
Quote by we have sound

You can write. But you choose to write shit/


do you feel that way about my stuff in general?

Because I really thought this was the epitome of what I've been trying to write for years. Was it all for nothing?
#26
Quote by #1 synth
do you feel that way about my stuff in general?

Because I really thought this was the epitome of what I've been trying to write for years. Was it all for nothing?


I get the feeling you don't intend for people to take this piece seriously.

It sucks, and you know it sucks, and you're enjoying a good laugh at everyone who believes that there's any meaning hidden here.
and this moment keeps on movin'
we were never meant to hold on.
#28
Quote by Androgyne
I'm going to try and expand on what Fly said... It was hard to put together though because there aren't distinctive stanzas, except in one place.

Er, I was going to quote things but then the formatting dies. ^^, So I'll quote the areas that I can, for good reference.

The first section is great. It immediatly pulled me. I love the italicized catacombs because it projects movement, and I can feel the way that The Paradoz lept. It brings so much more power into that action, and too late, as though to bring more life into the fact that Stevaro noticed what was happening too late.

The way you continue to play up your hero in the next section, almost parodying the usual heroes and rescue-plots in literature, but with a good measure of reality, as well. My favorite part is the size of silent, because it shows how large it is - perhaps larger than the paradoz even. It makes me wonder if the silence created by the action, the violence even, is the real villain of this epic poem. (Epic the literary term - though it is also epic in the colloquial sense.) The gap between "nothing" and "moved" represents the silence in an unspoken way, and gave me chills, honestly.

"Brave as he was, D-Dog
shut
his eyes!"

I think this was one of the best parts, because it is so human. It holds everything that anyone who has lived feels - the fear of failure. But not the failure that keeps us from working in the first place, but the fear of it after the fact. It's so human, so real. And his eyes closing... not only is he trying to close his eyes on the fear but on himself - he wants to ignore the fact that he is too weak to believe in himself. It's so powerful.


The section where D-Dog dances with the corpse is stirring...It's the true shift of the poem. Celebration is tinged with the desecration of a dead body - as if to speak about how today's people find the most horrible ways to enjoy themselves. This poem, really, is the best commentary on the world's current generations...I can't help but wonder how you fit it all into one poem.

I think Wallace is masquerading as what everyone searches for after death: more than darkness, a heaven. The fact that it's really a sock is so dark, so ... I can't even think of words to describe it. As with the rest of the poem, the message behind it is so strong. We might find something in the after life, but it will not be what we're looking for.


I usually prefer titles that speak more about the poem, although I can't deny that this title is entirely the truth. This was such a great read, and reminded me a lot of House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski. It's always good to be reminded of him.


I wish I could have been more helpful than complimentary, but that's not a bad thing, oui? I would ask for a review in turn, as my friend tell me this site is very c4c? But I do not have anything up yet...


have a wonderful life! And please, keep writing. The world needs more art like this to drown the pricks and literary cheats.



Although this stupid joke of a thread wasn't even worth it, mock-literary critique is totally my gimmick around here. So unless you know your shit, don't attempt this.
#30
Dylan, while the piece itself was magnificently elegant, I believe you need to re-write it.
You shouldn't kill off the Paradoz. That way it can return in a sequel.

I'd suggest another character in the next installment. Perhaps you could name it Wunadees.


Could you imagine having an epic battle between Wunadees and a Paradoz?
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
Last edited by SomeoneYouKnew at Jun 23, 2008,
#31
Quote by Androgyne
reminded me a lot of House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski. It's always good to be reminded of him.


Quote by The Hurt Within
Ofc it does. If you don't understand it, it's because you're not clever enough TO understand it, thus making it above you, and thus better.


Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
Dylan, while the piece itself was magnificently elegant, I believe you need to re-write it.
You shouldn't kill off the Paradoz. That way it can return in a sequel.




I think the question begging to be asked is, what chords are you using?
#32
Quote by *Truly Ninja*
Although this stupid joke of a thread wasn't even worth it, mock-literary critique is totally my gimmick around here. So unless you know your shit, don't attempt this.


Oh I assure you, knowing the **** is the least of Androgyne's worries.

Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#33
Quote by #1 synth
do you feel that way about my stuff in general?

Because I really thought this was the epitome of what I've been trying to write for years. Was it all for nothing?



Yeah. I read your stuff but I don't really rate you.




love is a dog from hell.