#1
in its beginning seems trite,
not right,
unsteady and often unsaid.
A silence instead

ensues where usually
lovers enthuse
using lines from a book
or a movie; the crooks.

Compare to the shuffling of
feet
and out-of-time beat
of two hearts in two chests
struggling too hard to impress
the other - you've guessed
too much a contest
of nerve versus feeling,

it's hardly appealing;
the squirm and the sweat
as names turn to pets.
Lips pucker and pop,
slop and stutter.

So love, at the start is
unsteady and trite
and when the lovers embrace,
both pulling in tight,
thoughts might turn to whisper -

"I love you. Goodnight."

(Or some sort of sibilance
if the moment's not right.)
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Jun 20, 2008,
#2
This is my favourite from "Love". It's more explicit, straightforward and most of all: real. I'm sorry if this is not such a good critique, but I have absolutely nothing to say, this left me speechless, and any type of alteration would ruin its effect. "Love"'s definitely something to read (even if in small series).
#4
The bits leading up to the ending (not the ending two-line tag shot) I couldn't express how I wanted. I tried so hard and this was th ebest I could finish it. I think I'll definitely come back to it and revise so any sugestions you do have Dyl would be muchly appreciated.

Thanks sevenths (name?), anything you want me to look at ?
#5
Quote by Jammydude44
in its beginning seems trite,
not right,
unsteady and often unsaid.
A silence instead

The word trite seems out-of-place with the slang-y style you're using and the AABB rhymes seem kinda choppy.


ensues where usually
lovers enthuse
using lines from a book
or a movie; the crooks.

I like this verse a lot. Very clever.


Compare to the shuffling of
feet
and out-of-time beat
of two hearts in two chests
struggling too hard to impress
the other - you've guessed
too much a contest
of nerve versus feeling,

Well-worded, great description of the practically palpable anxiety of a courtship. However, the second to last line kinda broke up the flow for me.

it's hardly appealing;
the squirm and the sweat
as names turn to pets.
Lips pucker and pop,
slop and stutter.

More delicious imagery, the lips bit especially, the pet names comes off as a little awkward, I had to double take to understand it.

So love, at the start is
unsteady and trite
and when the lovers embrace,
both pulling in tight,
thoughts might turn to whisper -

"I love you. Goodnight."

(Or some sort of sibilance
if the moment's not right.)

I dig the last stanza except for the first couple lines, I feel that repeating yourself is excessive, especially for such a relatively short piece.



Bits of brilliance, but the flat parts keep it from being up to your standard in my opinion. Still a pretty nice read though. See you around Jamie.
#6
You chose a good time in the series to make it more lengthy. I'm a big fan of any piece that can execute a fun rhyming scheme without making it seem forced, and you pull it off in this. You capture the mood of a first date (or perhaps second or third, depending on the people) very well. The awkwardness in some of the lines only aides the feeling I get out of the poem. I'm in Love with this, nice one Jamie.

And the bad puns keep a-rollin'
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#7
Not much I can really add here. I would do a line to line crit, but it would simply end up in me repeating 'Brilliant mate!' or things to that effect after each line.

The imagery was great in this, and for me the highlight would probably be the second and third stanza.

But just to nitpick at something....

In the fourth stanza, 'stutter' broke my flow slightly. I would have associated stuttering with an earlier phase of being in love.

The first two lines in the last stanza seem to bring the piece down slightly...the first thing I thought of when I read it was a 'grandfatherly' tone....dunno why.

I'll get back to you if I find more things to rip apart in this.

~A
#8
"So love, at the start is
unsteady and trite
and when the lovers embrace,
both pulling in tight,
thoughts might turn to whisper -

"I love you. Goodnight."

really beautiful man, real beautiful.
#9
Quote by _A_

In the fourth stanza, 'stutter' broke my flow slightly.
~A


The point

Thanks everyone for your comments. Appreciated and taken on board for the future.
#10
Wow. This is so beautiful. I'll probably say a lot of silly sounding words while trying to explain how much I love it.

Your flow was unbelievable. The way that each stanza flowed into the next, seamless, perfect, unconscious. Your rhyme scheme is gentle, but strong enough to stand out, and mean something. It reminds me a lot of the casual rhymes of Robert Frost. Your rhythm in each of the stanzas is wonderful. I can't pick on anything there - it was so beautiful. Genius, put together like a puzzle - it couldn't be any other way.

The reference to stealing lines from books and movies is great, and well written, because of the well placed jab at the end.

Compare to the shuffling of
feet
and out-of-time beat
of two hearts in two chests
struggling too hard to impress
the other - you've guessed
too much a contest
of nerve versus feeling,
I'm not sure about the start of this stanza, if only because I'm not sure what you're comparing with. It's not bad, of course; it echos the midsentence start of S1, so in that aspect, I wouldn't change it. I'm wondering whether there should be some form of punctuation in L7, because the line "You've guessed too much a contest of nerve" is stuck between "much" and "a contest". The words don't connect together, and though I can understand it. "You guessed that it is a contest," is what I think you are trying to say, it still felt odd upon first reading. I adore the parallelism with "two".

The use of the word "pet" in S4 is genius, as well as the alliterations and onomatopoeia. It sums up the idea perfectly; I adore it.

So love, at the start is
unsteady and trite
and when the lovers embrace,
both pulling in tight,
thoughts might turn to whisper -

"I love you. Goodnight."
I'm wondering whether there should be a comma after "start" in L1; otherwise the phrase seems to slam into itself. "at the start" is an appositive phrase, and so should be set around commas.

(Or some sort of sibilance
if the moment's not right.)
This little punch of wit, and rhyming brilliance, again, made the ending - and the poem as a whole - stand out for me. A good ending will keep your readers from forgetting you, and I will certainly not forget you or this poem. Sibilance is a great word there; where someone else might of said "insult" you went for the ear - and I love it. Not only does the word sound beautiful, but it says more than anything else. The witty ending left me thinking of Oscar Wilde, though it's not exactly apt, and I really loved that.

This is wonderful - if I haven't said it enough. Thank you for allowing me to read such artwork. I hope you go on to be published, and worshiped for your brilliance. All is deserving.
#11
Quote by Jammydude44
in its beginning seems trite,
not right,
unsteady and often unsaid.
A silence instead

ensues where usually
lovers enthuse
using lines from a book
or a movie; the crooks.

Love the way you end this with "the crooks". Its not what you are expecting at all.

Compare to the shuffling of
feet
and out-of-time beat
of two hearts in two chests
struggling too hard to impress
the other - you've guessed
too much a contest
of nerve versus feeling,

I absolutely adore the way you used the term "too" and "two" so frequently here, its so quirky; really emphasises the often luridly uncomposed way love can be.

it's hardly appealing;
the squirm and the sweat
as names turn to pets.
Lips pucker and pop,
slop and stutter.

This has a very odd vibe to it. It contains a very odd rythym that I don't know whether I like or not. I'm more inclined to the positive edge!


So love, at the start is
unsteady and trite
and when the lovers embrace,
both pulling in tight,
thoughts might turn to whisper -

"I love you. Goodnight."

This feels very mushy and soppy! Quite different to the rest of it if you ask me. I enjoyed the change though. Shows the advancement of love and the first dates that one missions through.
I know you struggled, so to speak, with the ending, but I can't see how you can change it and make it that much better. Its not good to be too picky!


(Or some sort of sibilance
if the moment's not right.)


I really enjoyed it! I would like to see the rest of the "Love" series; I've read the excerpt from the one about chocolate, and then this one as well, and thats all.
#12
i digested this one for a good long while, Jamie.
i enjoyed it, but wanted to see if i could find a soft spot.
this might be it:
thoughts might turn to whisper -

"I love you. Goodnight."

I'd drop might completely.
you already have an option in the tag,
adding uncertainty makes this more complex than it needs to be.

the goodnight line doesn't work well with the tag.
the option in the tag is if the moment isn't right.
if the moment is right, you don't want to say goodnight.
that indicates cessation, either through departure or sleep.

maybe something like:
i want you tonight
or
be mine tonight
?


in any case,
Meadows
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#13
I both loved and hated this Jamie. The images and flow were both beautiful and moving. The idea, I knew was going to be "cliche and sappy." I don't really know why, but it just didn't hit me as well as it hit everyone else. I mean, it was nice, but not spectacular. There is nothing "wrong with it" I just feel like you could use your skills and feels for both flow and ideas to a much more impactful end than this. Even on the same topic. It just didn't hit hard enough to really approach the level of impact needed to make this piece memorable and not just a fun approach to a common idea, to be honest how smoothly it flowed may have even hurt that level of impact because it just ran by so quickly. I dunno, probably just me.
#14
flow=great.
rhyme=great.
subject matter=great.

i liked this. i understand that the cheeziness of some parts were essential to the message you were trying to portray. the ending i especially loved.
the only thing i can really offer though is....*prepares for a ridiculously long rant*...

i think to gain a more impactful response from your audience(with this subject matter in particular only at the moment), rather than writing completely in context; take it completely out of context. people love(pun) to hear or read something they've never really thought about before, or even in an obscured style, with something as everyday and essential to the norm as....well, "love." i enjoyed reading this, sure. but i didn't find myself thinking about it after i got done; or really even wanting to come back to it for that matter because it sunk in so quickly. no one really wants to get straight to the point with love, because the fact is: no one can. each person is to their own on the matter.
nicely done though, Jamie. i hope i made sense.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#15
WotW.



I will, provided I remember, give this a once over and a full criticism. If I do that, please feel free to repay the debt :p
#16
When I saw this, I got that feeling you get in McDonalds when you ask for a happy meal and get the same toy as last time.


I want the next one in the series!
#17
Quote by confusius
When I saw this, I got that feeling you get in McDonalds when you ask for a happy meal and get the same toy as last time.


I want the next one in the series!


Lol. I did think this was a bit more expansive, if not as deep. Just a release of tension which was building up in all the shorter prequels (I guess they were prequels?).

Thanks everyone for their thoughts on this. I will repay crits soon. Zach and SYK, your next ones. Kent I'll get yours, hopefully. I really enjoyed the read when I flicked over it, hope I can find something though. Connor, thanks man, I'll get to yours.
#18
EXCELLENT PIECE. I can't really critique too well considering I just started writing but I loved it. Great to read and I can't even imagine how well it would sound being sung. I seriously loved the whole thing except for one part feels empty like somethings missing:

it's hardly appealing;
the squirm and the sweat
as names turn to pets.
Lips pucker and pop,
slop and stutter.

maybe its just me though. excellent songwriting!!!