#1
I approached a man today.
He was a beggar, a pauper,
he looked at me in the eye and asked me
if I wanted to hear a story. I accepted.


Walking down the slime covered road,
lost amongst the many tall buildings of
my town,
I came across a badly dressed beggar.
He was watching the passers by avidly,
muttering wistfully
to himself.

I stopped to look at the character
and as I started to turn back
to keep on walking, he gestured,
coldly, granting me permission
to approach him.

He looked at me in the eye,
from his eyes, which had a look up
in them. This brightness I couldn't
come close to describing at the time.
"I have a little traveller's box" he said
"I keep all my important possessions in it,
things I'd never want to move on without"

-He doesn't look like the type of chap that would "move on" very often-

From between the many layers of his beaten up
old clothes,
he pulled out a leather box
covered in little inscriptions, some crossed out,
others circled, and most were fading away.
"This i it" he said. "I pride myself in everything
that I have inside the box, do you want to see?"
I didn't have a chance to answer before he opened hte box.

Inside there was nothing but a knife and a few photographs,
women in the nude of course.
I asked him where he got the knife.
He didn't answer, he only stared blankly into space,
his eyes no longer bright, but old and dead.
I asked him where he had got the knife.
He looked at me,
old and dead,
dark, sinister. The look in his eyes had
vanished completely.
"I lost my heart, long ago, for reasons I care not to go into,
I wandered around the world, looking for someone,
someone to talk to and understand me. You, are the first,
you should be very proud. Your heart is worthy of my emptiness,
and my emptiness needs your heart.

I felt a sudden urge to run, to escape but the mysticism in his voice,
that croaky voice, as if it were packaged in leather, kept me stuck in the spot.



I looked at the beggar, not knowing what to make of the story,
which to me, seemed unfinished. He started talking to me again,
but this time there was no wise man telling a story,
there was only a defeated old man,
sitting on a piece of cardboard,
with tears sliding down the curve of his cheek ever so softly.
"I lost my heart that day, but I was given the box.
I never saw the beggar again. He is probably rich,
a woman in his bed, happiness. I want that too."

There was an absolute silence between us.
The passers by paid us no notice, or we paid them none,
but everything started to grow darker and the alley-way
we had move into seemed to swallow us.

"Take the box, please."


Last edited by confusius at Jun 20, 2008,
#2
I accepted.


either next line or stand-out in it's own stanza. impact impact impact.

Again the formatting I feel hindered this piec emore than any of the content could. There's no beat to this, and it's too prosey to be called free-verse.

I think if you start committing yourself to these you'll see that you can write really, really strong prose. Until then, I feel you're trying to put square pegs in round holes.

<3
#3
i don't mean to be the bearer of bad news, but when i read this i felt like i was reading something a child had written for a 3rd grade writing contest to win a ps3 or something. it's a great concept, really; just needs some revision.

the first stanza is word soup. if the beggar began the conversation, wouldn't he be the one to approach? if not, what provoked you? the secondary description of the beggar as "pauper" is also unneccessary. "beggar," as a term, is quite blunt in itself and without need of further elaboration. remove "at" from line 3: "he looked me in the eye(s)(,)..."
"I accepted" is a dick phrase. it's almost sounds like you were too good to bless him with your God-like aura, and the reluctancy of it was quite noticable. i think you were going for a tone there that wanted to say, "i don't really have the time, but you've nabbed my curiosity for the moment."

second stanza:
"slime-covered?" i think "among" would work better in the second line. also, the way you describe the "many tall buildings" make the setting seem more like a city, as opposed to a town. "badly dressed" is a poor adjective to use for beggar. it's an automatic stereotypical assumption for a labeled "beggar," no need for it. there could be an adjective placed there, but it's crying out for something just a tad less bland.

third stanza:
"character" is a demeaning word. especially in this. when referring to bums, beggars, vagabonds, or of the such; you might try to shoot for more traditional terms such as: "fellow," or maybe even lean toward something such as: "the figure." it also needs a comma, or some kind of break before leading to the next line; it moves too quickly as is. the "gestured coldly" phrase kind of contradicts itself in the proceeding stanza, when you're discussing the "brightness" in his eyes.

fourth stanza:
omit "at" in the first line. "from his eyes." - what else would he be looking at you with?
"which had a look up in them." - i'm sure you already know what i'm going to say here.
when you begin discussing the "brightness," you sort of ween it of potential by making it the past tense of your attempt to describe it. maybe change it to, "i wouldn't be able to describe it now...?" maybe, just....something else needs to go there.

sentence between stanza's 4 and 5:
omit. the "sarcastic irony," or whatever you were shooting for, is completely detrimental to the tone of the whole piece.

fifth stanza:
i do like how you described the way he removed the box from the many layers of old clothing; i could actually depict a vivid mental image of that happening, it was good. besides some use of spell check, this stanza was pretty decent.

sixth stanza:
"women in the nude of course." why would it be "of course?" are we supposed to automatically assume that?
"I asked him(, again,) where he had got the knife." - on the repeat.
"The look in his eyes had(i don't like how this breaks right here) vanished completely."

well, the rest seemed to end ok, but it's still kind of dissappointing. i saw the title of this, and i was like, "man, this sounds good already." i think the main factor here is the fact of all these jumbled thoughts have no tame from the author; no leash, or control. the tone seems very confused throughout, also. like i said, i liked the concept(and the entire thing wasn't bad, i just picked out the flaws), it just lacked in some key areas that can drastically affect a viewer's opinion on this.
imo.

if you'd like to kill mine: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=886305

thanks,
- K.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#4
Never judge anything by it's packaging Kent.


I knew this wasn't going to turn out well, especially since my last two were good(not barking up my own tree, just in comparison to the work before and unfortunately the work later they were of much higher quality), so I expected a few harsh crits.

I'm going to write prose Jamie. And, technically, if the peg is smaller than the hole...
#5
Quote by confusius
Never judge anything by it's packaging Kent.


lol. i just got that.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#6
Actually, the style of lyrics reminds me strongly of something Crash Test Dummies would write. The comedy style with an almost serious tone is semi-charming. I think it's VERY difficult to rightfully be able to judge this because as others have said, your structure is way too unique. I think you should keep your style but be open to studying syllables. However, if you're a performing artist, perhaps you already know exactly how this would go. And if you haven't heard Crash Test Dummies, you should definitely check them out.