#1
so my "lyricist" i guess (girl in my class) writes songs for me and i put guitar parts to it. so i was looking for some constructive critisism to make it better. please be honest

EDIT: Here is the revised version #2, anymore tips are greatly appreciated



I’ll Be Here
Written By: "PhantomWolf-Link"
Genre: Rock

So many things seem out place
You think your luck will never change
You’re starting to lose to the enemy
Look at the sky and you’ll see me

Oh, here comes the rain, rain, rain
Pouring down on you again
But don't feel blue, blue, blue
Cuz I’ll be here with you

Just know however hard things get
when the problems get to be too much
I'll come through for you in the end
Because you mean the world to me

Oh, here comes the rain, rain, rain
Pouring down on you again
But don't feel blue, blue, blue
Cuz I’ll be here with you

And even though you don’t know
How much I care for you
I’ll never fail to lend you a hand,
Or give you a shoulder to cry on

Oh, here comes the rain, rain, rain
Pouring down on you again
But don't feel blue, blue, blue
Cuz I’ll be here with you

So could you please look me in the eyes?
Just let me see that smile of yours again
And don’t ever think that you’re alone
Cuz I’ll be here with you…
Last edited by AJS19 at Jul 2, 2008,
#4
I like how you changed the last line of the chorus to rhyme, but I agree with EL2T and think it would be better if you kept the last line "Cuz I'll be here with you" and change the line before it. "Don't you cry/ and it doesn't matter why" just doesn't jump out at me because I can tell that the last line was just put in there as an afterthough so that it rhymes. My suggestions would be "Don't feel blue, blue, blue/ Cuz I'll be here with you." Other than that I like it
#5
Quote by badgerkid
I like how you changed the last line of the chorus to rhyme, but I agree with EL2T and think it would be better if you kept the last line "Cuz I'll be here with you" and change the line before it. "Don't you cry/ and it doesn't matter why" just doesn't jump out at me because I can tell that the last line was just put in there as an afterthough so that it rhymes. My suggestions would be "Don't feel blue, blue, blue/ Cuz I'll be here with you." Other than that I like it


thanks man good call if you ever need some return crits, just ask.
Last edited by AJS19 at Jul 2, 2008,