#1
Alrighty guys, I'm offering crit for crit as usual

First draft, I have done no revisions yet, so don't hold back.

Time seemed to produce
a sound (which was me
kicking the ground)

The beat of my feet
was irritable yet apt
as I hung my head,
learing down at the
railway track.

And here I waited for you.
Here I wanted you to show
as we had places to go.

Seven. Quarter past.
Half past. And I waited.
And I stood there trying to
recall faces of a different time;
wondering why now was
different from the last.

When the next train came
I ran to the other side,
and I waited and watched.

When the train left, I ran back
to the original side.
And I waited and watched.
#2
hmmm. well i'll just break this down and be as nice as i can

Time seemed to produce
a sound (which was me
kicking the ground)

this intro it honestly turned me off to the whole piece, it just wasnt a good intro.

The beat of my feet
was irritable yet apt
as I hung my head,
learing down at the
railway track.

this part i liked great flow nice and smooth, i would have started out with this as my intro

And here I waited for you.
Here I wanted you to show
as we had places to go.

this i dunno the ryhmes feel FORCED to me almost like it doesnt belong but your the writer so.....

Seven. Quarter past.
Half past. And I waited.
And I stood there trying to
recall faces of a different time;
wondering why now was
different from the last.

once again this i liked as well it flows well with the second stanza but not with everything overall

When the next train came
I ran to the other side,
and I waited and watched.

what exactly are you waitin for? but it is starting to form a slight bond with the piece in general

When the train left, I ran back
to the original side.
And I waited and watched.

these last two stanzas are a bit confusing as to how that it applys to the whole piece i dont know, it also had a depressing quality about it once again i dont know. the piece does has some promise but i think that it needs some refining as to tie everything together, but i am intrested to read what you write next i hope that i have helped in some way or another
i didnt mean to offend so sorry if i did. um well i would like it if you would read my piece"cantor thats whats off" and tell me what you think
the link is
www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=889831
pardon me... do you have any grey poupon?
#3
Absolutely fine. I re-read this and thought that this wasn't an overly good piece which has better potential, so I brought it here for opinions. Anything you can say is helpful, so cheers

I'll go crit yours now.
#4
Absolutely fine. I re-read this and thought that this wasn't an overly good piece which has better potential, so I brought it here for opinions. Anything you can say is helpful, so cheers

I'll go crit yours now.
#5
Quote by Craigo
Alrighty guys, I'm offering crit for crit as usual

*nods*
I have no pieces up
Haha


First draft, I have done no revisions yet, so don't hold back.

*nods*

Time seemed to produce
a sound (which was me
kicking the ground)

I'm half and half on whether or not I like this as an intro. If the rest of the piece continued in this way, but having all of the images and that that it has in it, it would be a great style because the clever bits would seem locked within the rhyme and layout here, which would bring them out more.

The beat of my feet
was irritable yet apt
as I hung my head,
learing down at the
railway track.

'Beat' and 'feet' is lazy. You can think of different, more effective, ways to phrase this.
Again with hung my head.
If you described the very action of hanging your head then it would probably give the idea of the 'railway track' more importance as it would give a great feeling of kind of leaning in to the idea of the track as his head leans downwards.


And here I waited for you.
Here I wanted you to show
as we had places to go.

The way the flow of the last stanza works seems to conflict with this one's.
Introducing a three line stanza also feels off (as the first one is kind of made in to four with the use of the brackets). It does work though. Like you could either change it to fit the rest, or the rest to fit it. Or leave it. Eh.

'Wanted' also seems odd to say. We know this already, he's there.


Seven. Quarter past.
Half past. And I waited.
And I stood there trying to
recall faces of a different time;
wondering why now was
different from the last.

The implied 'time' at the end seems odd in combination with the change from short phrases to a very long one here. If that makes sense.
'Faces of a different time' also seems really odd, with the somewhat straightforwardness of the rest of this so far, it doesn't seem to fit.


When the next train came
I ran to the other side,
and I waited and watched.

'Ran to the other side' doesn't work for me, as you didn't introduce being on a side. In the first stanza you said that the character was staring down at the track, and it could be a one way track, know what I mean?
Waited and watched, again, feels too obvious to say. Too obvious a way to phrase it.


When the train left, I ran back
to the original side.
And I waited and watched.

Same with the 'original side'.
And the 'waited and watched'.




Overall though, this could turn in to something really, really special. Just needs editing as you know it does. Adding some more complex imagery on some parts of it, as long as you manage to keep it combined with the simplicity of others, would be really lovely. I'm still all for the layout of the first stanza becoming something more special.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Jun 21, 2008,