#1
A dollar bill just told her
that she's beautiful.

Mysterious owner,
tired hands relieve
heavy pockets;
an unusual message
so unexpected.

She'd always been average
at best.
Carelessly thrown aside
she fought
to become an afterthought.

But etched in green
under war and peace
was proof

out of many, one
still saw her.


Special thanks to SYK for the title and some ideas

c4c
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Jun 20, 2008,
#3
i suppose what i like best about this are the things not said, only implied.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#5
I'm not sure if this is a poem or a song. It looks like a poem, and I'm going to review it like a poem.

I don't like the syntax of S2, nor do I like the line breaks of S3.

Mysterious owner,
tired hands relieve
heavy pockets;
an unusual message
so unexpected.
Why is it unexpected? I think this stanza could, plainly, be written better than it is. I'm not sure what you were going for with the syntax, but it ends up sounding bizarre and vague. You could make it more powerful, be more vivid about it, rather than merely listing what is happening.

She'd always been average
at best.
Carelessly thrown aside
she fought
to become an afterthought.
I don't mind the break between average and at best - it is actually good. But the break following best makes this choppy:

She'd always been average
at best. Carelessly thrown aside,
She fought to become
an afterthought.


It's not the best organization, but at least between best/carelessly, it works better. I don't particularly like the phrase "carelessly thrown aside" because it's so thoughtless and over used. People carelessly do things all the time, and even if the adjective is apt, I don't like it, and I think that a more poetic, unique phrase is called for. I do like the rhyme between fought/afterthought, but I think the line should be more specific. How did she fight? Why did she fight at all? Who is she fighting with? You don't have to name all the details, but I think it would be better if you went into more detail about it.

But etched in green
under war and peace
was proof
I'm assuming you mean a dollar, because of the green, but "war and peace" throws me off - I'm left thinking of Tolstoy rather than a dollar. Why not something like:

But etched in green,
under annuit cœptis
was the proof

That would signal (or hopefully, unless people don't understand it) the eye of the dollar - if you were intending something like this. I think it would make her loneliness even more significant; the only eye that cares is the the pyramid eye.

I think the last two stanzas would look better like this (using my change, as well):

Etched in green,
under annuit cœptis,
was the proof:

one still saw her.

But that's only my opinion. I think the "out of many" is superfluous and gets in the way of your idea. The grammar of the two stanzas, the transition between, was also a bit bumpy. I removed the "but" because it reads better that way, and looks better. I hope this helps!

C4C? http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=890839
#6
great crit, Androgyne

i hope you're around next time i put something new up.

S2 lacks some clarity, but it isn't difficult to understand that it's about the message, unintended, therefore, unexpected. the message wasn't direct, it was written on the bill. the only thing i dislike about that stanza is "so". i suppose the fact the message was unintended might fill in some blanks, but i don't know if it's necessary to say that aloud.

opinions vary, and i'll disagree about S3. i thought the line breaks provided a visually attractive look on the page, with little disruption to the flow. and it accentuates the rhyme between thought and afterthought. i was slightly disappointed there wasn't a similar play with best, but had no suggestion for that.

you've gone astray with annuit cœptis.
that's on the left side. out of many, one; is on the right.
that's the central pivot in this piece, the message.

the tolstoy tangent was glorious. i felt that, too.
a nice misdirection in the process of digesting what was implied by war and peace.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#7
Thanks for the crits guys. I'm suffering from a bit of jet lag at the moment, but I'll gladly get to all your pieces in the morrow.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#8
Quote by Billyjson
A dollar bill just told her
that she's beautiful.

An odd way to open something. But I find it interesting so therefore I like it!

Mysterious owner,
tired hands relieve
heavy pockets;
an unusual message
so unexpected.

This feels as if its stuttering uncontrollably. I find phrases and verses that stutter work best when it feels controlled. I never knew how to control stuttering personally, so maybe I'm cluching at sky hooks here. I like the way its laid out, but there is something I found difficult with reading this stanza.

She'd always been average
at best.
Carelessly thrown aside
she fought
to become an afterthought.

This is laid out rather oddly. Maybe rearrange it to the way the guy above suggested, it felt more appropriate and exceptable. (not that this isn't anyway )
Lovely rhyme added in there. I love when people don't use rhyming throughout a song and just throw it in to add impact; its very well placed. An excellent verse.


But etched in green
under war and peace
was proof

out of many, one
still saw her.

Fantastic ending. Flows far superiorly to the others and therefore adds a different way of reading this and changes the tonality of it all. You cover many different 'themes' for want a more apt word with only a small sentence and that is an certain achievement that only few can do...not me anyway!



Special thanks to SYK for the title and some ideas

c4c


This is a great piece of work. Some sections are not entirely to my style and taste but I still thoroughly enjoyed reading it. There wouldn't be much that I would personally change, if anything at all, so well done mate!
Hope I helped,

Digitally Clean.