#1
V1
there was a time when two were one
reflecting pale moonlight,naked bodies shone
now look at what they've become
broken pieces of the puzzle
unthinking,drove the other away
overthinking,insecure thoughts led astray
no communication,nothing to say
silence breeds seperation

Chorus
they point their fingers,blame the other
conflict between supposed lovers
lovers?what love now remains?
broken hearts pump hate through veins

V2
his only crime was self respect
certain standards that he expects
standards not reached,he disconnects
he knows he's worth more
her failures were born from naivety
blind to the essential neccesities
she had the wrong priorities
his needs were ignored

V3
their perfect harmony has been lost
cold silence turned their hearts to frost
dissonance between truth and thought
fantasy versus reality
seeds of suspicion in an unsettled mind
thoughts will wander if given time
no reassurance,no signal,no sign
isolation drives the wedge

believing to be pushed away,will push back creating distance,to be isolated from isolation,confusing breathing space with rejection


any comments?
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Tell me what nation on this earth, was not born of tragedy-Primordial
Last edited by Eggmond at Jun 22, 2008,
#2
There's parts that remind me of a variation of Tool songs, and there's parts that don't. I like the excellent vocabulary, because the singer in my band uses the craziest words you can imagine, but he pulls it off, and so does this piece.

In verse 2, the "he disconnects" seems out of place to me

that's really all i can say
#3
there is a tool influence in the chorus
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Tell me what nation on this earth, was not born of tragedy-Primordial
#4
It's weird but every song I read on here I imagine it being rapped ... I liked it though.
#5
i really liked it at first i looked at it and thought jeez its too long and that your goona need to edit some stuff out but honestly i loved it it was great there was one or two ryhmes that felt slightly forced but other than that it flowed wonderfuly smooth . for real great job all around and i didnt think it was wierd at all, just nicely abstract!!!!!
pardon me... do you have any grey poupon?
#6
I like it, personally I dont think you overdid the rhymes at all. Then again, look at mine Looks good!
#8
I liked it, but the only line that didn't seem to fit was 'he knows he's worth more'
if you could change the words a little, that would make it easier to digest...
or maybe getting rid of 'he disconnects'...better yet make that into a line
#9
A very good, strong rhythm. I think it might do better with more punctuation to slow it down in some parts or at least make the pauses clearer.

Oh, and aaciseric, I hear them all as rap songs too hahaha. But I always sing them to myself as rock songs and imagine the guitar parts along with it.
#10
I enjoyed the rhyming scheme, particularly the first part of V2:

"his only crime was self respect
certain standards that he expects"

The last line of V2 "his needs were ignored" cuts the flow though. For pattern's sake I wouldn't put a rhyme there, but adding a few more syllables might do the trick.

V3 was very well done. Fun, meaningful rhymes - a pleasure to read.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#11
its supposed to cut the flow,it gives it more effect i think
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Tell me what nation on this earth, was not born of tragedy-Primordial
#13
Thank you for the crit. Anyways, I enjoyed reading this. I thought this piece had really good flow and i liked the rhyme scheme. However their were a few lines that stuck out as being problematic. In the first verse, I would cut the "pale" before "moonlight". I don't think it's necessary. Also "broken pieces of puzzle" line, just seems out of place. The puzzle metaphor just doesn't fit with the rest of the imagery in the stanza.