#1
This time I'm having trouble with words
I know by the sound if it, it's absurd
After not being with you I finally learned
You wouldn't remember me if you tried

Going nights without sleep and you in my head
In your gorgeous eyes I guess that I'm dead
It's amazing how good you look in red
But knowing me thats what I already said

Nobody notices you when you don't have blue eyes
Like a spark of inspiration that suddenly dies
But in all that is where truth really lies
Now I got something for you guess what, surprise.

Hold me unintentionally
See with your heart
Distorting tunnel vision
Where's the second part?


btw, I'm new in this songwriting business.
So some input would be nice
about how good it is, if any.
Last edited by takana456 at Jun 21, 2008,
#3
First off, welcome to the site Second off, don't hate me for what I'm about to do, it's only meant to help you.


This time I'm having trouble with words
I know by the sound if it, it's absurd
This tripped me up, the absurd/word rhyme is good
but there's a great opportunity for imagery where
I know by the sound of it is. For example:
Tongue silently stumbling, it's absurd or something of that sort.

After not being with you I finally learned
You wouldn't remember me if you tried
I was expecting a rhyme here, or at least something
resembling a rhyme. I lost the flow there.

Going nights without sleep and you in my head
It would sound much better without going, and I would take
the and out as well and replace it with a comma, or better
yet make you in my head a new line.
In your gorgeous eyes I guess that I'm dead
It's amazing how good you look in red
But knowing me thats what I already said
I absolutely hated these three lines.
The rhyming was incredibly forced, and cliched on top of that.


Nobody notices you when you don't have blue eyes
Like a spark of inspiration that suddenly dies
But in all that is where truth really lies
But in all loses me.
Now I got something for you guess what, surprise.
Once again, very forced rhyming (almost always happens
when trying to do four in a row). And as the rhymes lose
their integrity here I'm starting to feel the meaning - which has
been building the whole time - slipping away.

Hold me unintentionally
That would be a very nice line if it were intentionally instead.
See with your heart
Distorting tunnel vision
Where's the second part?


btw, I'm new in this songwriting business.
So some input would be nice
about how good it is, if any.


It's good, there's a lot to work with here, but along with that there's a lot that needs to be worked on. Don't worry about rhyming so much, and if you do, usually keep it to AABB or ABAB, not forcing the AAAAs. The whole thing is kind of a cliched concept, but i think everyone needs to get a song/poem like this out of their system before they begin writing about what they feel strongly for.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.