#1
Hey guys,

Posted this unfinished a little while ago, I've finished now and am hoping for some crits now it's all done! If you leave a link, I'll gladly see yours. I've written the melody for this, so even if the rhythm seems strange, I can guarantee it fits!

Cheers!

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Jape Scrapes:


I am hungry for
For the taste of chalk
For that momentary bittersweet
I get from tasting you.

You arrive at last
To start the dizzy dance
Where we’re spinning free and our fingers are crossed...

...That the sun never rises again
And this transient twilight won’t end
So we can rest at the peak of the heights we’ve ascended
And never be forced to descend.


[Chorus]
We are islands in the ocean, dear, and you’re our rowing boat.
We are light years from each other but just a single inch apart.
We are tuning in our wireless to our favourite frequency
All these rivers have been spanned and all these seas have been appeased.


When it’s time to leave
I’ll be grinding teeth
But the smile carved into my face
Will take its time to heal

This reverie
Is escaping me
I need smoke to fill my lungs again...

...So the pavement won’t splinter my ribs
When my grip on the heavens has slipped.
But I will scale every flight in the hopes of restoring
The vertigo that you create.


[Chorus]
We are islands in the ocean, dear, and you’re our rowing boat.
We are light years from each other but just a single inch apart.
We are tuning in our wireless to our favourite frequency
All these rivers have been spanned and all these seas have been appeased.
#3
Hello! I'm critiquing in return. I'll say first, though, that I'm not so great with songs - I'm better with poetry, and though they're similar, there are different rules, and things that sound horrible in poetry, seem to work in lyrics. So if you disagree with me, I don't blame you.

I am hungry for
For the taste of chalk
For that momentary bittersweet
I get from tasting you.
I'm not fond of the word "bittersweet", not only because it is an oxymoron and a cliché, but because you seem to use it as an scapegoat, a random word to explain the relationship between the speaker and the subject more thoroughly. It's easier to understand why the relationship is sweet - but what about it makes it bitter? The fact that he gets a "taste" in his mouth, that she gives him vertigo? I almost think you could take this line out altogether, and replace it with something stronger and more meaningful to the song. I'm also not sure about the "For" at the beginning of L3 - mostly because songs are written sans punctuation - so I can't tell if you're also saying "I am hungry for that momentary bittersweet" or if you're saying that you're hungry for the taste of chalk because of the momentary bittersweet.... but this is me being grammatically weird.

We are islands in the ocean, dear, and you’re our rowing boat.
We are light years from each other but just a single inch apart.
We are tuning in our wireless to our favourite frequency
All these rivers have been spanned and all these seas have been appeased.
If it can survive the rhythm, I would cut the word "just" in L2 here. Just is an unneeded word, and I think that line sounds better without it. I love your first two lines, but I'm not sure how those ideas connect to the next two - especially favourite frequencies. I thought perhaps you would explain to us what that means, but you didn't, so I'm lost wondering why they are doing this, and what their favourite frequency means, in relation to the subject, and the idea of "together but apart" that you present in the previous lines. For L4, I love the rivers-spanned idea, but again I'm not sure how happy seas relates to the other ideas.

Of course, I'm a poet so I scrape for things to work better, but it could simply be this fits the music?

When it’s time to leave
I’ll be grinding teeth
But the smile carved into my face
Will take its time to heal
it may depend on how this is sung, but as I'm reading it, I think it needs more clarity. I think the way you connect L2 and L3 ("but the") is incredebly awkward, because the two ideas - time to leave, and the smile in your face - aren't related whatsoever, so I wouldn't understand why they would be in the same sentence.

...So the pavement won’t splinter my ribs
When my grip on the heavens has slipped.
But I will scale every flight in the hopes of restoring
The vertigo that you create.
I love this verse so much. The first two lines gives good imagery, the splinter ribs on pavement, and it's a beautiful and unconventional way to say a usually boring thing. The next two lines do the same thing; I love the use of buildings and vertigo.

What I loved most was your abbility to say things ("My significant other is leaving me, and I will find them again!") without being cliché or boring. You found unique, beautiful, and meaningful ways of saying the same, old, boring phrases that show up again and again. That's a good talent to have, and I'm glad you're utilizing it. It will make music all the more interesting. I would suggest other things on the development of the characters in the story, to give it more depth, but I'll just keep my lips closed unless you ask. You have a melody for it, and I don't want to ruin things.

Hope this helped, and again thank you so much for the review!