In my vanity
And in my time of need
Do I so take my life willingly
As it seems,
That with all my greed
That I am doomed to be forever depressed;
Opressed, and regressed;
As a human-being.

And with my dying efforts
I'll know:
That upon this; My final throughs
Do I resent my final blow
(The drop of the hammer)
Of my final hour; forever forsaken
Do I resent:
My own death
My own demise
But do I realize that in the end;
It had to happen.

To my feet and into the ground
That now are my dying efforts in vain so kept
And in my brain, have I wept:
My passing, and my death
But I'm finally able to lie down and rest
Be it so forever
And ever

I highly suggest learning how to properly punctuate. So obviously aren't ignoring punctuation altogether, so why is each stanza one sentence long, when it obviously isn't so grammatically? For example, in S1 should look like this:

In my vanity
And in my time of need,
Do I so take my life willingly?
As it seems,
That with all my greed
That I am doomed to be forever depressed;
Opressed oppressed, and regressed;
As a human-being.
I would punctuate the rest of it, but it becomes grammatically muddled, so I'm not sure where to put anything. The second "sentence" is: As it seems, that with all my greed, that I am doomed to be forever depressed -- why are you using the word "that"? It makes no sense at all.

As it seems,
with all my greed,
I am doomed to be forever depressed

You don't even need them.

Your rhymes are annoying and simplistic. Rhymes should be subtle; they shouldn't jump out at the reader and scream. A good example of subtle rhyming is in Robert Frost's Departmental. (Yes, I'm linking you to it because I think it is to your benefit to read it.)

I'll ignore the fact that you make no sense in several places, and try to comment on other, less complicated things.

Word choice is a huge thing in poetry. Word choice can make or break a poem, to be cliché. Lets just look at S1; what words do you have there, special words?


Some of these words, like vanity, don't have much you could use instead. I'll use the word take for my example. Do I so take my life willingly? (Again, ignoring weird grammar.) The word take is so boring. What does take say to me as a reader? It says nothing. What about: Do I smother my life willingly? Smother is more active, it has more visual connotation. I imagine someone being suffocated by another person - a lot more powerful, and more specific than "take". Smother is not boring. It's the difference between, "He died," and "He killed himself." To use smothering is not only to be specific, but to make your reader feel - which is incredebly important.

Now that I've explained the concept of word choice, I suggest you take it to heart and change many of your words.

My next point is on making your reader feel, like I said above. This poem is beyond navel gazing. What's that? Well, Navel Gazing is staring into your own belly button, when the world around you is no larger than your navel and the lint is possibly contains. Your poem needs to have a larger world view - or at least an audience more than one. Most people don't realize it but poetry isn't written [just] for the author. It is also for every single person who reads it. I am of the belief, and so were many famous and published poets before me, that a poem should have an effect on the reader. It should make them feel, and make them think. Doing this has a lot to do with the words you choose, and how you say things, but it also has to do with your subject matter.

This is something only you could relate to. Why do you want to kill yourself? Why should it end? What are the alternatives? Why, for that matter, do I even care? I don't. Which sounds cold, but it's the truth. You have to make your poem something the reader can relate to and care about. Everyone has had desperate times in their lives when they've not wanted to deal with life - so how can you make this less of a navel gazer, and more of a poem that will make people want to cry, want to hide away from life, want to question themselves, or whatever you want to make them feel? A lot of it has to do with what you, the writer, want them to feel. Perhaps you want them to feel nothingness - but even that takes effort.

I'm probably babbling too much, so I'll stop here. I hope this helped and if you have any questions about something I've said feel free to PM me.