#1
Let's lie in the field of feline flowers
where the blades pierce and the whiskers tickle—
There, can you be free?

where the air is too thick to breathe?
Your lungs will suck dry
and your tortured tongue will swell thousandfold,
but with no gasp to scrape your vocal chords
you can’t scream I’m fine!

The Doctors and Gawkers use your choking face
as a gingham bullseye and claim death,
though you haven’t even died.
Can’t they see your fingers
fishing for mine in the sea of festering stress?
It’s just natural.
But I can’t convince you to take that breath
for the doctors’ gloves are the same ones
that suffocate your speech.

How I’d love your lips to split apart—
for me to kiss and you to speak:
It’s just natural.
Last edited by Androgyne at Jun 22, 2008,
#2
I very much enjoyed this, but I don't have any suggestions that I feel strongly about. The first word bugs me, I might prefer 'let us' over 'let's'.
#3
Quote by Androgyne
Let's lie in the field of feline flowers
where the blades pierce and the whiskers tickle—
There, can you be free?

where the air is too thick to breathe?
Your lungs will suck dry
and your tortured tongue will swell thousandfold,
but with no gasp to scrape your vocal chords
you can’t scream I’m fine!

This was excellent. I particularly liked the first two lines - an amazing, and more importantly, original, piece of imagery. I'd never have thought of anything like that, and it was very different. I liked it. The rest of the stanza was equally good, although I had one small problem - should it be "your lungs will be sucked dry" rather than "your lungs will suck dry"? If it is "suck dry", you did not say what it is that your lungs will suck dry. Get me? But this is only a minor issue.

The Doctors and Gawkers use your choking
face for a target and claim death,
though you haven’t even died.
Can’t they see your fingers
fishing for mine in the sea of festering stress?
It’s just natural…
But I can’t convince you to take that breath
for the doctors’ gloves are the same ones
that suffocate your speech.

How I’d love for your lips to split apart—
for me to kiss and for you to speak:
It’s just natural.

Again, this is great. Beautifully poetic, but with a macabre edge. I particularly liked the images of the fishing fingers, and the lips splitting apart for the kiss - the kiss being a romantic thing, but the idea of "split apart" bringing a violent, painful aspect to it. Very good. No corrections or complaints here.


A brilliant piece which I thoroughly enjoyed, except for one minor mistake. Congrats!

See mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=14875288
#4
You had me at the first two lines.

This is an interesting.

I'll be back with more, hopefully constructive, later tonight with any luck.
#5

I'm trying to write something about hospitals. This was brilliant.
The line break between choking/face seemed very odd for me though, it gave it two meanings, but detached itself from the latter one, and that's the one that I'm guessing is the intended.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
Thank you, everyone!

I had one small problem - should it be "your lungs will be sucked dry" rather than "your lungs will suck dry"? If it is "suck dry", you did not say what it is that your lungs will suck dry. Get me? But this is only a minor issue.
I could completely understand that. What I was trying to say was, that she ("you" in the poem) sucks so much on the air, tries to breathe so much, but can't because of the thick air, that she "sucks" herself dry, her lungs. Although, I think better wording is called for! Thank you so much for pointing it out.

The line break between choking/face seemed very odd for me
I agree. The lines were originally:

The Doctors and Gawkers use your bloody,
choking face for a target and claim death,

But some people didn't like the line break between two adjectives, or the use of two adjectives, so I cut bloody and moved choking up. I wasn't sure it looked right, but I wasn't sure if breaking at "your" would look any better. If you had a suggestion for where to break in that line, I would appreciate it greatly.

Again, thank you so much!
#7
The Doctors and Gawkers
use your face as a choking target
and claim death;
though you haven’t even died.
?

Not at all sure.
Just a suggestion.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#8
Quote by Androgyne
Let's lie in the field of feline flowers
where the blades pierce and the whiskers tickle—
Whe I first read these wonderful opening two lines I just had to continue.
There, can you be free?

where the air is too thick to breathe?
Your lungs will suck dry
I think another "where" is needed to start off this section ,too. That way you get the x3 of "where" repeition which is an often underused but valubale technique.
and your tortured tongue will swell thousandfold,
but with no gasp to scrape your vocal chords
you can’t scream I’m fine!

The Doctors and Gawkers use your choking
face for a target and claim death,
The enjambment for chocking/face didn't sit too well with me. I'm not sure, i love the lines but the break seemed to arbitary imo.
though you haven’t even died.
Great line.
Can’t they see your fingers
fishing for mine in the sea of festering stress?
Imagery is very good here. Glad to see you snuck in a rhyme, too. I think it would read better though if "mine" landed on the same syllable as "died" in the line above, if you can work it.
It’s just natural…
Never been a great fan of the ellipses. Don't think you'd change it though. Works okay, just personal preference.
But I can’t convince you to take that breath
for the doctors’ gloves are the same ones
that suffocate your speech.
This last bit just felt too prosey for me. Also, the "for" here clashes with the "for" in the ending, and it seems lazily repetitive. It's awkward phrasing too, as if you just couldn't find a way to phrase this.

How I’d love for your lips to split apart—
for me to kiss and for you to speak:
I think you can drop the third "for". Bar the grating repetition it works fine and the ellipsis creats a slightly less.. precahy tone maybe. Idk, wrong word lol. Just a thought.
It’s just natural.
GREAT ending.


As I said, this was such a great read. Hope I maybe have picked a few points you can either rework or just keep in ind for the future. I'd also love to see you tackle some form poetry, too, as I think there's potential for success there as well as freeverse.

Thanks for your words on mine. Made my day. Name's Jamie if you stick around a while.

#9
I'd forgotten how much I liked this.

Did I already crit this elsewhere? If not, say so and I'll put one up here. =]
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
#11
Did I already crit this elsewhere? If not, say so and I'll put one up here. =]
You critiqued the NaPo version, but not the new one. I'd love some of your love, since I always leak love on your writing. 'Twould only be fair. I'm glad you like it though; approval from those I admire is always a good thing.

Amazing song. What's it about???
It's actually a poem. Some of what it is about you should be able to pick up from the poem, but otherwise it's vague. It's about a good friend of mine who was being diagnosed with depression, started having panic attacks, and still has medical issues like crazy (physical ones). It focuses on how I wanted to save her from the panic, and all the doctor-nasty-ness. Does that make sense?

And I know I already PMed you, but Jaime, you rock.
#12
Let's lie in the field of feline flowers
where the blades pierce and the whiskers tickle—
There, can you be free?

where the air is too thick to breathe?
Your lungs will suck dry
and your tortured tongue will swell thousandfold,
but with no gasp to scrape your vocal chords
you can’t scream I’m fine!
didn't care much for the indented interjection.
thousandfold felt uncomfortable.


The Doctors and Gawkers use your choking face
as a gingham bullseye and claim death,
though you haven’t even died.
Can’t they see your fingers
fishing for mine in the sea of festering stress?
festering isn't a great fit with sea and stress,
nice sonically, to bury the s sound while revisiting the f you played on earlier in the line.
but the mesh of meaning felt like gears grinding.

It’s just natural.
But I can’t convince you to take that breath
for the doctors’ gloves are the same ones
that suffocate your speech.

How I’d love your lips to split apart—
i guess this works, but it has a harsh sense to it
having them part without splitting could soften.

for me to kiss and you to speak:
It’s just natural.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#13
Quote by Androgyne
Let's lie in the field of feline flowers
where the blades pierce and the whiskers tickle—
There, can you be free?

where the air is too thick to breathe?
Your lungs will suck dry
and your tortured tongue will swell thousandfold,
but with no gasp to scrape your vocal chords
you can’t scream I’m fine!

Something strikes me as unnatural when I read the first line. I can't quite put my finger on it, because I like it all too much. It just reads oddly.

The last line is kinda awkward because of how abrupt it is. I had to re-read it several times before it made sense rhythmically, and even then, it still doesn't quite sit right.

Oh, and I love line four.


The Doctors and Gawkers use your choking face
as a gingham bullseye and claim death,
though you haven’t even died.
Can’t they see your fingers
fishing for mine in the sea of festering stress?
It’s just natural.
But I can’t convince you to take that breath
for the doctors’ gloves are the same ones
that suffocate your speech.

"Sea of festering stress" is awkward in line five. It goes "sea of" (which is weird because there's no consonants separated the words) and then "of festering" which is also strange because it's a double "f." Maybe it's just me.

Nitpicking alert: I think line seven should end with some kind of punctuation. Maybe a comma? Maybe not.

I love the last three lines.


How I’d love your lips to split apart—
for me to kiss and you to speak:
It’s just natural.

Love this. I disagree with SYK, I like the abruptness the word "split" gives to it.



Really awesome. You're too good; I feel pale in comparison..

My only beef is that this style sounds too refined. I like a raw edge.

What a strange complaint. x'D

If you feel like returning a critique, I'd like to hear how you feel about Call It "Unrequited." (The link's in my sig) If not, that's cool, too.

EDIT: Maybe through a private message? It's an old piece, so I don't want it to get bumped. xP
Last edited by my name is Pete at Jun 23, 2008,
#14
Let's lie in the field of feline flowers
where the blades pierce and the whiskers tickle—
A strong image right off the bat, I'm hooked.
There, can you be free?

where the air is too thick to breathe?
Your lungs will suck dry
and your tortured tongue will swell thousandfold,
but with no gasp to scrape your vocal chords
you can’t scream I’m fine!

The rest of the stanza lived up to the expectations the
first two lines set. Impressive use of rhyme and imagery.
My only gripe is you can't scream, it comes across as
weak.


The Doctors and Gawkers use your choking face
as a gingham bullseye and claim death,
though you haven’t even died.
Can’t they see your fingers
fishing for mine in the sea of festering stress?
It’s just natural.
But I can’t convince you to take that breath
for the doctors’ gloves are the same ones
that suffocate your speech.

No suggestions, I love this stanza.

How I’d love your lips to split apart—
Split didn't seem to do the rest of the piece justice.
I'd get rid of it altogether and change apart to part. Though it
may seem somewhat Shakespeare-ish, I think it would work well here.

for me to kiss and you to speak:
This would be more visually appealing if you took away the colon
and added a space between the two lines instead.

It’s just natural.


I don't recall having read anything from you before. This is a very impressive piece. I dragged myself over here thinking "Oh god, this guy gave me a monster crit and I'll have to do the same" but after reading the first few lines I couldn't have stopped if I wanted to, nice job.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#15
First off, I take full credit for this WotW. I convinced dear Gyn to join, so it's only fair . (Let's ignore the fact that nothing I write is good enough for it.... )

Quote by Androgyne
Let's lie in the field of feline flowers
where the blades pierce and the whiskers tickle—
As others have said, strong opening.

There, can you be free?

where the air is too thick to breathe?
Though slanted, the rhyming here is comprehensive. Well done.

Your lungs will suck dry
I'm not a fan of your use of "suck". I can't think of any way to change it for the better, though...
and your tortured tongue will swell thousandfold,
but with no gasp to scrape your vocal chords
you can’t scream I’m fine!
I'm not quite feeling the "tortured tongues". The alliteration seems too...self-aware. Too apparent. Does that make any sense? Anyway, the italics aren't too great either, imho. They seem a tad cliche...and too direct. Though clarity is good, this just comes across as thin.

The Doctors and Gawkers use your choking face
interesting capitalizations. It's something I would've done a year ago. You pulled it off better than I did, though.
as a gingham bullseye and claim death,
the italics here seems unnecessary. Your word choice alone is effective enough.
though you haven’t even died.
Can’t they see your fingers
fishing for mine in the sea of festering stress?
"sea of festering stress". Good image, not-so-good meter. Perhaps think of a more sound way to word it? I'm not quite sold on it as is.
It’s just natural.
But I can’t convince you to take that breath
for the doctors’ gloves are the same ones
that suffocate your speech.

How I’d love your lips to split apart—
for me to kiss and you to speak:
It’s just natural.

The ending italics aren't spectacular, but it's good, and the two preceding lines are an effective set up.


I really would've loved to see some allusion to the feline flowers later on, though. Even if you just slipped in "purring" as an adjective somewhere (Lips? Breath?) I think it could add a lot.



a lovely read, and it's had some nice edits since NaPo--that's always a pleasure to see.


And seriously, major congrats on getting WotW with your first piece posted. That's almost as rad as you.


All the best,
Ed ( )
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
#16
Thanks Fly (and others) for WotW and thanks for all the reviews! I was gone on vacation, and now I'm busy with my courses. I can't remember who I reviewed (in return for a review) before I left, and who I haven't, so if you haven't received a review, just message me and I'll get to it ASAP.