#1
G'day
This is a song based off of fragments of a dream I had during Geometry class
any other titles would be better, cause thats where i fail
parts song like they're about a girl
they're not, i despise songs about girls
and i try to not sound emo, but i think all my lyrics do
if anyones wondering im a solo acoustic artist

Equilibrium

The next room
this shivering cold
moving down in my throat
drowning me in my doubt
Witch hunt begins
stuck in this hole again
for my hundreth time
getting caught in a lie
a web spun by our queen

Up above
stars shining so bright
still so black in the sky
all the wishes that died
oh how we are all so blind
wandering all alone
in this place called my home
tonight

Chrorus:
This is the
life i created
this is the
bed that i lay in
here in this coffin
is where i rest
here in my heart
that feels so dead
inside my faith im feel im safe
inside my heart
the ends today

Verse two:

Cellar door
im on the cellar floor
pool of my own blood
no help from anyone
what is this betrayal
the trust that i once held
the feel of this stone
so cold because of you

Behind the tree
that gave us shade
where we'd lay for all the days
now only a place of death
and i lay here on this bed
and i lay here at my end
giving all my will
so i could tell you

Chorus

Verse three:

Footprints
in the sand
at the place
where we used to hold hands
dancing under false memories of a star
#2
thanks for commenting on my song.

The next room
this shivering cold
moving down in my throat
drowning me in my doubt
Witch hunt begins
stuck in this hole again
for my hundreth time
getting caught in a lie
a web spun by our queen


ill break it down in blocks. i like this so far. one thing i would change is the first line. it doesnt give any description. something like "in the next room" or "the next room is _____" would be much better, and give more information. i like the last 4 lines and the interplay. the closing statement is cool too, though it doesnt lead into the second part as good as this sentence (lol)

Up above
stars shining so bright
still so black in the sky
all the wishes that died
oh how we are all so blind
wandering all alone
in this place called my home
tonight


i dont quite get the first two lines. seems like your implying stars are bright, then next line their black. kinda confusing if you ask me. the last three lines seem kinda like your just rhyming for the sake of the rhyme.

This is the
life i created
this is the
bed that i lay in
here in this coffin
is where i rest
here in my heart
that feels so dead
inside my faith im feel im safe
inside my heart
the ends today


pretty cool chorus. i have no problems with it until the ninth line. "im feel" doesnt really say anything. in the context of that line id choose another line that could add to the thought of being secure like "im warm, im safe, or some other line that complements that thought.

Cellar door
im on the cellar floor
pool of my own blood
no help from anyone
what is this betrayal
the trust that i once held
the feel of this stone
so cold because of you

right here i detect some serious rhyming without much meaning. line one should be cut 100% think of something better to say there, because when you rhyme things like that, people wont take you seriously. besides those first two lines, i liked it and thought it was good.

Behind the tree
that gave us shade
where we'd lay for all the days
now only a place of death
and i lay here on this bed
and i lay here at my end
giving all my will
so i could tell you


i like this portion as well. only minor things for me. i like the way it kinda ties in with the chorus. the one thing i would mention is on line five and six i would drop the word "and" from the beginning, because it sounds like a long rambling string of simple sentences, but thats a minor thing.

Footprints
in the sand
at the place
where we used to hold hands
dancing under false memories of a star


i like this as a conclusion. that last line i think is awesome, it really gives a kind of haunting feeling, and theirs something about it that sounds poetic about it to me.