#1
I wanted to keep this one short, I took a small trip today.

I've got all these different parts,
stuffed into a teddy bear.
The skin on her neck,
smells of motif number one.
A lobster trap.
Covered vessel,
all twenty just the same.
Blue tarp giving shade for a
painter's money view,
even in the rain.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
Last edited by freshtunes at Jun 22, 2008,
#2
Well, I'm afraid this is another one that, to me, shows you are a good writer but not a good author. Technically, I can't find any fault with it. But to me, it doesn't really complete a purpose or really connect with itself. I'll try to explain.

Quote by nick
I've got all these different parts,
stuffed into a teddy bear.
The skin on her neck,
smells of motif number one.

First two lines were great. Really drew me in. The second two, again were solid. My problem comes with where you go from here. you've set this up, in my mind, to be much like a list. The type of thing where you go through and explain what's in the "teddy bear." I mean, I may be missing something, but it feels like you never really complete this task. Seems like from here you go into a bunch of pretty, but not really relevant images. I probably missed something, but this piece feels incomplete... I'll move on now.


A lobster trap.

Covered vessel,
all twenty just the same.

Don't get the lobster thing... why is that there? Don't get the twenty just the same thing.

Blue tarp giving shade for a
painter's money view,
even in the rain.

Beautiful stanza... but again, just seems disconnected.


I guess my main problem is that this feels like a piece of modern art, where someone through gallons of paint at a canvas and then says "this represents spring and fertility." It doesn't feel like it was constructed to say something, it doesn't feel like it has a theme running through it. To some, that would be fine, but to me it leaves a taste of "why write it then?" Which is uncomfortable for me. So yeah, it may be beautiful and nice as noted above... but in the end, I'm left wondering whether it will ever matter that I read this and whether it says something that I just couldn't grasp. It's a bit unsettling.

I have a new one up in the sig if you could.

-zC
#5
Blackdotted?
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#6
Posting in a thread puts a black dot on the image next to it, which would help him remember to come back here and comment.

This is good. I need to read it with a less tired mind though.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!