#1
The "curse" in the title is there as the closest antonym to "Prayer"


Lord give us this day our daily dead
A pound of flesh for a loaf of bread
A quizzical story for a matriarch
The mantel handed down by the patriarch

Lord give us this day our final breath
The stench of ecstasy for a final fling with death
The leap of a lover crossing the rubicon
The eyes of the basilisk in the panopticon

Lord give us this day our daily dead
Joy and peace for the hate in your head
Killing the kings and destroying all hope
The men who your wives and daughters do elope
A pound of flesh for a loaf of bread
Dirty blood spilt for the keys to the Kingdom
#2
Umm, thats a pretty bleak take on christianity, not so much with the faith then? It's nicely written, I especially like verse 2 though the use of panopticon seems a bit silly; no one forced you to watch Harry Potter, plenty of things are in the panopticon. I suppose it could be there to represent the greed, deceit and general evil that men have coaxed under the blanket of faith?
Umm yehh.. I wouldn't change it because I wouldn't know where to start lol but I liked it!
Once We Were Anarchists
#3
Mike!

Too long, buddy, too long.

A few lines seemed a bit too juvenile for me (S2L2 especially) and forced (S2L4), but not enough to make the piece dislikable.

Every other word conveyed the stench of what you were trying to say, anyway. Great use of sonics, effective alliteration that never really got repetitive.

So, yeah. I was just hoping if I posted on your piece you'd post another, so, yeah.

#4
I thought this was really cool

S2L2 didn't do it for me but not cause it seemed juvenile but it broke my rythym.

The word final in S2L1 comes right before the last word (and beat) in the line
In the following line the same word on the same beat makes me expect the next word or beat to finish the line but it doesn't. When I read it without the second "final" it flows better for me.
But then "fling with death" implies, to me, survival unless you resolve it one way or the other afterward. Hence you could drop the second final all together and switch the endings of lines 1 & 2 in the second stanza to read

Lord give us the day our fling with death
The stench of ecstacy for a final breath

That works better for me but that's just my opinion.

I haven't read Harry Potter and had to look up both Basilisk and Panopticon on Wikipedia. Usually when I have to reach for the dictionary I think here we go some smartass is trying to show off how clever he was. But when I got the definitions I was very pleased with the words you chose absolutely perfect.
The Basilisk king of serpents ... said to have the power of causing death by a single glance.
The Panopticon is a type of prison ... thereby convey what one architect has called the "sentiment of an invisible omniscience."[1]
Bentham himself described the Panopticon as "a new mode of obtaining power of mind over mind, in a quantity hitherto without example"

If I had read Harry Potter I would have been so dissappointed by the Harry Potter reference. But I don't and so I like it very very much. Thank you for not making me reach for the dictionary to find something dumb or pretentious.

The only thing I really didn't like is the final line it just doesn't seem to fit at all I was anticipating a rhyme for bread and felt indifferent when it didn't come I just sat there thinking how much I didn't like the last line even though I loved the rest of it and wondered why you would do that. exchanging "Keys to the Kingdom" for "Kingdom of Dread" satisfies me better.

It is quite funny I wrote three songs last night and one of them I called Dear God and played off the idea of curse vs prayer. Great minds think alike huh? Other than that one thematic similarity though they couldn't be more different. (it's not posted though i posted something else so will have to post it another time I hope you'll check it out)

Overall I really liked this piece. It was awesome.

****
Last edited by 20Tigers at Jun 23, 2008,
#6
Fortunately, I've never felt the urge to pick up a Harry Potter book and actually read it. I have on occasion picked one up merely to move it from my view. I'll be returning crits this afternoon once I've ingested in some much needed caffeine.