#1
memoirs
penned from parked cars:
i watched thoughts go by in reverse;
neutered violently by the past-tense.
certain sanctities erased,
replaced. her name up and
down my windshield.
Last edited by Arthur Curry at Jun 23, 2008,
#6
Both of the spammers warned.

I thought that the piece was quite on point actually. I didn't like the line breaks though and I think that sometimes you need to keep it even simpler. I do that all the time, break lines and just because it works in my head and then realise that it's not natural enough.

The ending was so well put though.
This is not a pipe
#7
i'm really quite interested in this.

the title drew me in - clearly suggests desperation and some degree of animal instinct, but i also got the idea early on of the dog perhaps being oblivious to the world around him/her? Perhaps i'm entirely over-analysing, but i've made a concious effort to really look inside a piece (for once).

The idea of the narrator being oblivious is perhaps presented again in the first (and, tragically, only) stanza - this idea of thoughts passing by, whilst the narrator is presumably contemplating the past in a stationary mode. In reverse, I found interesting. Clearly this image of cars passing a moving vehicle (giving the impression that you are reversing) that is conjured has interesting implications - when applied to "thoughts". Perhaps the narrator feels as if the passing of the outside world (again this idea of being... to some extent, oblivious, or at least unable to effect the actions or the occarances of happenings beyond his inflluence) is holding him back in some way?

So, reading on, your clearly effected negatively by the past, and there's that reference to the title, I suppose. The final line giving away the reasoning perhaps or at least a greater insight into the mindset of the narrator. So, generally, my view is that this narrator has lost "her" and is contemplating the event and perhaps his inability to influence or, more likely, prevent it's occurance? He feels akin to that dog, just keeping himself alive, to some extent? That desperation.

In terms of criticism, the meaning was, to some degree, hidden and it's quite likely that i've missed the point entirely. My only suggestion is again one concerning flow - the piece reads very snappily which perhaps contradicts the nature of the piece entirely. I'm not sure. The ending really was beautiful - bringing in so much more, really ties it up. I guess my problem is that all it did was tell a story (beautifully, yes) but it didn't really impact me or effect me in any profound way - i just found it... interesting. Which is sad because your way with words is such that it really could be so much more than just personal.

I hope that, to some extent, you have found this helpful. If not, at least do not take the maledictions above seriously, this really is a sumptuous little piece.
#8
I'd like to know whether the Greek mythology allusions in the 3rd and 4th lines were intentional or a few of Bob Ross's "happy accidents," SVP.

EDIT: Well I guess only the fourth line could be considered a "mythology" allusion but the third line seemed to reflect the perception of time in the classical mind. ("The future overtakes us from behind as we gaze at the past" is very Greek is what I'm saying, in contrast with the modern Western idea that time is like a path on which we travel, looking forward.) The 4th line could be seen as an allusion to Kronos' castration of Ouranos, a more overt allusion...
Last edited by *Truly Ninja* at Jun 23, 2008,
#9
skagitup - wow, thanks for the depth of your response. it did help. a lot, thanks.

truly ninja - i'm not well studied in greek mythology, so yeah, those were definitely happy little accidents.
#10
To be honest, Curry, the first two lines were absolutely completely spectacular. Such a beautiful image, so telling of what is going on and so deep. After that though, it sort of collapsed for me. It dropped off to standard lines for you. It was a very interesting piece, but nothing really captured my attention after the first two lines. Everything just seemed like a "regular quirky idea from you." It's getting better, I can see a bigger jump from your last piece, but its still not right yet.

I have a new one that I'd much appreciate your thoughts on. It's in my sig.