#1
crit4crit

SLAVE LABOR PAIN

I heard virgin mothers
Crying in labor pain
Giving birth to brand names

While the virgins labored
I came with the profits
And emptied their mangers

Begotten in Heaven
Made for factories
The children must work
In their nativities

Blessed are the children
Who play with needles
In the cotton fields

Through their sacrifices
You receive the glory
Of these low, low prices

What wonderful news
All the profits bring
Rising stock prices
And obituaries
Last edited by themarsvolta at Jun 24, 2008,
#3
As much as I hate to say it, I got the same reaction to this one as the last one I commented on. It just felt so stale. It feels like you are writing the same piece over and over again, and just using different words. I mean, there is a different message, but each time the style is so similar that it silences the message. To use the exact same literary devices in each piece is to ask anyone who is reading more than one piece to question your ability to write in a style that isn't this exact one. I'd love to see you branch out and use your talent to really hit something with a different stroke. I really think it could benefit you in the long run. You are good at this style, but I really think you would be better if you spread the love around some as far as styles and literary devices.
#4
SLAVE LABOR PAIN

I heard virgin mothers
Cry in slave labor pain
As they gave birth to brand names

slave labor pain works well as a title, but
really just doesn't work in the poem. It's a mouthful.
I would take out slave here, people will understand what you mean.


While the virgins labored
virgins is redundant.
I came with the profits
And emptied their mangers

Begotten in Heaven
Made for factories
The children must work
In their nativities

Nothing wrong her, nothing that sticks
out too much either.


Blessed are the children
Who play with needles
In the cotton fields

I regained interest a bit with this stanza.

Through their sacrifices
You receive the glory
Of these low, low prices

What wonderful news
All the profits bring
Rising stock prices
And obituaries


It's alright. Through reading it I can't tell if you really care about the matter or not though. We can all agree slavery was bad, but I'm not feeling any real emotions in this that say more than just "it was bad". Sorry I don't have many positive things to say, I've read and enjoyed other pieces from you, this one just didn't do much for me.


Mind taking a look at either Legally Tender or A New Breeze in the sig?
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.