#1
Kind of a short, slightly sarcastic lyrical poem here... Nothing too special.

The travelers mind
is always open,
they say.

Yet some are
already spoken for,
I pray.

For if minds
were not set
on anything
for too long.

The Travelers
would cease,
and the tourists
would come along.


Really not happy with the last line. If anyone has suggestions, I'm like an open book.
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Portugal. The Man »–
#2
Well, I would definitely rework the formatting here. You could have just had 4 lines, and the breaks you put in don't really change the effect of what you're saying. As for content, there isn't much, since it is fairly short. It has good humour, but the ending does seem like you were just looking for a rhyme to "long". Maybe try to rework the last two parts, so that it doesn't sound so forced.
#3
I would have thought a tourist would have a mind more set than a traveller. I would rather have a mind that's not set like a child's, like a travellers.

You could maybe explain that a bit better. I like it it's got a good clear rhythm and structure which I appreciate, but like you maybe not the last line. How bout The Travellers would cease - and ruin my song?
#4
Quote by 20Tigers
I would have thought a tourist would have a mind more set than a traveller. I would rather have a mind that's not set like a child's, like a travellers.

You could maybe explain that a bit better. I like it it's got a good clear rhythm and structure which I appreciate, but like you maybe not the last line. How bout The Travellers would cease - and ruin my song?



Well, the Travelers that I'm talking about are ones that spontaneously take a trip, with minds open. Tourists tend to plan their vacations and see certain things etc. Backpackers and hitch hikers just go for it.

As for the line at the end, I don't know. Something will come to me eventually. I just haven't posted material in so long, so, I needed to do this.
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Portugal. The Man »–