#1
My first love song!!

Heterochromia

Tightening my stride
as I step inside,
I can sense the silence
scale the open door.
While tuning the guitar
resting in your hair,
I can't help but see
The strings wrapped loose
around your eyelashes.

Anticipating your colored words
through the feigning face
I assumed as I saw you,
Just so you wouldn't guess;
the smile of my face
was pointing straight
to your iris

Even as the women
paraded in my dreams,
your colors still bewilder,
Entice and entangle.
And just as it seems so,
pointless,
your stare brushes the air as
you glide me by,
with one color to my neck
and the other to my chest

But my face was there,
wishing it could have been
more.
More than a structure
debased by insecurities
and apparel,
dress I only wear to scare.

But your mouth stays closed,
strapped tight by rings
studded so sweetly.
Until that simple joke
arrives into this world
and places a firm curtsy,
perched neatly, around my face.



This is my first love song that I am proud of and relatively happy with. I hope it contains more than enough emotion for UG's eyes. Thank you.
#2
I do like it a lot. You managed to avoid a lot of easy cliches, and the word choice is brilliant in a lot of the sections.

One of the few issues I can find is a few syllable errors (ex: line 10). Granted they may work with the melody you have worked out, but I can't exactly hear that.

A catchy chorus would have been nice as well, but of course isn't required by any means.
#3
A love song, can he pull it off? Let's see


Tightening my stride
as I step inside,
I can sense the silence
scale the open door.
While tuning the guitar
resting in your hair,
I can't help but see
The strings wrapped loose
around your eyelashes.

Interesting use of capitalization here. I enjoyed the
independence it gave the last two lines, it
accentuated the image well, though that wont show up
when sung.


Anticipating your colored words
I was distracted for a second, and when i turned back
I thought you were talking to me here - with the colored
words in the crit. Unrelated to the song, but I found it funny.

through the feigning face
feigning doesn't work for me here, it felt
like a made up word in the context. Alliteration aside
those two words just don't sound well or create any clear
image when used together.

I assumed as I saw you,
Just so you wouldn't guess;
the smile of my face
was pointing straight
to your iris

The choppiness of the line breaks here slows it
down ni a nice way here. I also like the almost rhyme
between guess and iris.

Even as the women
paraded in my dreams,
your colors still bewilder,
The word colors is repetitive, not
in a good way this time.

Entice and entangle.
And just as it seems so,
pointless,
your stare brushes the air as
you glide me by,
with one color to my neck
color again, though not as noticeable here.
and the other to my chest

But my face was there,
wishing it could have been
more.
More than a structure
debased by insecurities
and apparel,
dress I only wear to scare.

But your mouth stays closed,
strapped tight by rings
studded so sweetly.
Until that simple joke
arrives into this world
and places a firm curtsy,
perched neatly, around my face.

Not much to say about the last two verses except well done.



The tally is in and....you've done it! As a whole I liked the song more than most I read on here, and the fact that it's a love song made that even more impressive. A few things were written as if for a poem, but it made the read more fun at least.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#4
I don't think I'll be doing another love song for a very long time! Ha! I don't fall in love that easily unfortunately! I guess that makes them all the more powerful when you compose them in their appropriate times and not so frequently. it detracts from the overal impact and importance of love.

Thanks very much for both comments, they are much appreciated. I can't read your comments very well Billy 'cause I'm colorblind (unless your purposefully typed it in grey font?) but I got the jist of what you are saying.

I tired to repeat the word colour more than once because of how important it is to the story but maybe, after thinking about it, its probably more advantageous to leave it out or find another term with similar meaning. Thank you.
The "feigning face" sentence had significance to the story but maybe its a little vague. I'll see what I can do to change it. Also I'll see if I can shorten the 10th line.

Thank you once again! I'm in the process of reading your other songs Billy...
#5
Tightening my stride
as I step inside,i like the rhyme, very smooth
I can sense the silence
scale the open door.nice. good no qualms i suppose
While tuning the guitar
resting in your hair,mm intresting
I can't help but see
The strings wrapped loose
around your eyelashes.this jsut get's weirder and wierder. mm..

i liked the first... mm 5 or 6 lines. then it jsut go way wierd. seems very iono just warped. dont get it


Anticipating your colored wordsmm interesting concept
through the feigning face
I assumed as I saw you,
Just so you wouldn't guess;
the smile of my face
was pointing straight
to your iris
well written dotn really have anything to say. solid

Even as the women
paraded in my dreams,
your colors still bewilder,
Entice and entangle.
And just as it seems so,
pointless,
your stare brushes the air as
you glide me by,
with one color to my neckmm maybe you gotta change up color. it's becoming repetative. it's fine to have it but try to put a twist to it. what color,s or better yet fck the colors tell me how it behaves.
and the other to my chest


But my face was there,
wishing it could have been
more.
More than a structure
debased by insecurities
and apparel,
dress I only wear to scare.
indifferent with this stanza. i think that you could do with out[ feels like a filler./B]

But your mouth stays closed,
strapped tight by rings
studded so sweetly.
Until that simple joke
arrives into this world
and places a firm curtsy,
perched neatly, around my face.
mmi think u missed a golden opportutnity on her mouth. umm i dont like the 2nd and 3rd line. and this seems like a weak closer

over all well written. lol uhhh i havent written a love song in..... **** iono how long been.. forever
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")