#1
[of course c4c]

"Last Chance Cafe"

The last chance café
Where I’m sitting today
Missing, reminiscing
What led me astray
So come on trophy girl
Have a seat and a drink
If you care to listen to what I think

Every dropout, disaster,
Scumbag and crook
You’re welcome here to take a look
Have a seat and spend the day
Come in for a drink at the last chance café

The Last Chance Café
Where I’m sitting today
Missing, reminiscing
What led me astray
So come on golden boy
We’ve got all day
Drown in your drink so you don’t hear what I say

All you losers and failures,
Disappointments and thieves
Come on in and take a seat
Once you enter you’re bound to stay
For better or worse at the last chance café

(Probably going to be acoustic/rock style)

EDIT: This is the first set of lyrics in a concept album I am planning on writing, documenting the classic rise and fall of a musician. This would begin the album, establishing the narrator as the protagonist.
Last edited by Skaliveson at Jun 24, 2008,
#2
I like this piece. So much that I don't have any crit to provide. :S
#5
Quote by Skaliveson
"Last Chance Cafe"

The last chance café
Where I’m sitting today
Missing, reminiscing
What led me astray
So come on trophy girl
Have a seat and a drink
If you care to listen to what I think
Interesting. Missing and reminiscing what led him astray. That's cool. It makes me think guy is doomed. He knows what led him astray and he's reminscing about those times- And he misses them. Maybe he will miss them forever and make the most of his last chance but I like to think he enjoyed his mistakes too much not to do them again.


Every dropout, disaster,
Scumbag and crook
You’re welcome here to take a look
Have a seat and spend the day
Come in for a drink at the last chance café

The Last Chance Café
Where I’m sitting today
Missing, reminiscing
What led me astray
So come on golden boy
We’ve got all day
Drown in your drink so you don’t hear what I say
Line six of this stanza my ear wants to hear We've become We have to emphasise the have.

All you losers and failures,
Disappointments and thieves
Come on in and take a seat
Once you enter you’re bound to stay
For better or worse at the last chance café

The "thieves" in this second line is great and to mirror the "scumbags and crooks" from S2L2 but not sure the "Disappointments" mirrors quite as well in this line with the theif.

"Dissapointments" would be more at home in line 1 with the "losers and failures" which mirrors the "dropouts and disasters" of S2L1

Only fix is to drop the disappointments for something else more of the criminal type than the bum type.
(Scumbag is borderline maybe not criminal but definitely not a "good" or "ethical" person.
A scumbag is definitely nasty so works with crooks and thieves. The rest losers, failures, dropouts, disasters and disappointments could be nice, good, ethical people that have simply made a real hash of things.)


(Probably going to be acoustic/rock style)


As you can see I'm really scratching and splitting hairs to find flaws here it's really really good. I do wonder what his mistakes were but I'm not sure getting into that would fit with this song.

*****
#6
This kind of remembered me of "A Moment Of Silence" by Streetlight Manifesto.

If this is in a concept album about the rise and fall of a musician, I believe this is the crucial moment of his/her career, the nothing or all... I really like the imagery here, the flow, rhyming.. Overall a very solid and straightforward piece. Good work !

The onyl part I didn't get was the "trophy girl", didn't understand her part in this, perhaps you can explain it to me one of these days
#7
They are actually pretty dead on. Anytime I see this much praise on a piece (I read the other critiques first) I tend to be skeptical, but this is pretty solid. Especially for a set of lyrics. But, you asked me to dig in... so I will.

Quote by skaliveson

The last chance café
Where I’m sitting today
Missing, reminiscing
What led me astray
So come on trophy girl
Have a seat and a drink
If you care to listen to what I think

The last line stuck out a lot. It really loses the "short and punchy" jive everything else had. It needs to be condensed down. Needs to be sharper. As lyrics, this all works well, but to stand on its own as a poem (without music) it would need some more pop. The flow and rhyme is good, but it just, it lacks punch. Its all just sort of floating there. But again, wiht some music it would work great. As an example, take some band like seether... as a song, they're lyrics work fine. If you read them with no music... its just words on a page. That's the type of vibe I get.

Every dropout, disaster,
Scumbag and crook
You’re welcome here to take a look
Have a seat and spend the day
Come in for a drink at the last chance café

The rhyming was almost painful here. It was just soo obvious. I guess it was in the first bit too... but the first bit had a bit more content to cover it up. I mean, look/crook, day/cafe.... its all just, bland. It doesn't really show off a solid control of language. That said, it still works... it still says what you want it too, and its not that bad. Just by now, the rhymes are starting to irritate me a bit.

The Last Chance Café
Where I’m sitting today
Missing, reminiscing
What led me astray
So come on golden boy
We’ve got all day
Drown in your drink so you don’t hear what I say

I'd recommend breaking hte last line into to, breaking after "drink." Doesn't affect how you read it, because there is a natural pause, and it would make it prettier. Again, the rhymes were easy. But, they work for the song. I just happen to not like rhymes very much... so that's probably just me. Also, the idea is getting warn a bit thin. It was ok at first, but honestly, you are drawing on the same idea over and over and over. You aren't introducing anything new... just taking this same idea nad looking at it from very slightly different points of view. If you are going to do the "viewing from different views" you need to make them drastically different or your idea starts to go flat. It's hitting that point here. I'm like "I get it... lets move on"


All you losers and failures,
Disappointments and thieves
Come on in and take a seat
Once you enter you’re bound to stay
For better or worse at the last chance café

Again, break the last line. The only thing I have to say is the same thing I said at the end of the last paragraph, the whole thing is going a bit stale because it is so one dimensional. It doesn't cover much. Just one point over and over.




It all works pretty well. Like I said though, it started to drag for me. It felt like it needed more in there. There was nothing that really stuck out and kicked me in the gut and said "hey, this is important." It was all sort of one-toned. It was just there. It needs something more... some sort of pizazz to make it stick out and grab the reader by his/her literary testicles and scream "Read me or you'll regret it." This doesn't have that. But, for what it is, its a solid piece.
#8
Quote by seventh_angel


The onyl part I didn't get was the "trophy girl", didn't understand her part in this, perhaps you can explain it to me one of these days



I actually really like this trophy girl addition. I BELIEVE that he's trying to show that even the supposed "high and mighty" can be in the same situation (last chance) as the "scumbags".
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#9
First of all, thanks a lot, Zanas, for the tough critique.

Regarding the "trophy girl" line, it is a lot like what LESH said, how everybody can end up on their last chance. The girl, and the "golden boy" are also meant to be a counter to the broken down narrator, (and are supposed to be younger, possibly naive, who haven't made their mistakes yet). Take it as you will.
#10
i enjoyed reading this because of its nice flow
theres nothing obviously wrong for me to crit
Reaching for the sun
one may forget
the feet which
ground him
#11
The last chance café
Where I’m sitting today
Missing, reminiscing
What led me astray
So come on trophy girl
Have a seat and a drink
If you care to listen to what I think
i thought the last line was a missed opportunity
and it's a singleton, of sorts.
you're giving the girl an out with if you care.
be a player. convince her.
Have a listen while I think
could end this nicely.
continue the invitation to relax
when inserting a line just previous to this.


Every dropout, disaster,
Scumbag and crook
You’re welcome here to take a look
Have a seat and spend the day
Come in for a drink at the last chance café

The Last Chance Café
Where I’m sitting today
Missing, reminiscing
What led me astray
So come on golden boy
We’ve got all day
Drown in your drink so you don’t hear what I say
you have two lines worth here.
Drown in your drink
is fine.
maybe follow it with
Drown out my voice
or something similar.
adjust the rhyme in the previous to match.
that line isn't anything particularly special on its own.


All you losers and failures,
Disappointments and thieves
Come on in and take a seat
Once you enter you’re bound to stay
For better or worse at the last chance café

thanks for visiting mine.
Meadows
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#12
Thanks for the crit. This is very reminiscent of Heartbreak Hotel, and I enjoyed that fact. A few of the lines were pretty forced to get the rhyme in (and I know, it's tough, I do the same thing), but I have no big complaints. Pun intended.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#14
This was very much more appropriate from you. That kind of sounds daft seeing as I don't know you, but let me explain. Your work is complicated with, maybe a little too many cryptic metaphors, and such, but this one is so much more straight and narrow. Its not particularly better or worse, its just clearer.
#15
Ha ha, thanks a whole lot, for all the crits on all of my stuff. It was kind of fun seeing all these songs come up again. I do enjoy the somewhat cryptic lyrics that you have to puzzle through a bit, but I will definitely try to balance it out with some more simple things like this.
#16
I enjoyed this whole thing, not a lot to be said everyone hit on it. It flowed wonderfully and it was straight forward in a good way.
#18
This is so magnificently done. I cannot begin to understand how you pulled this off...