#1
im trying to write my first song, and this is what i came up with.. its more of like a draft.. here goes:

Many times I've been down
and you were not around
i thought this is all gonna end
but i was wrong again

here i am
waiting for you to come back
hoping that someday u will realize
how much i need you in my life
but something tells me that day wont come
'cause you finally found the one
i dont want to live a lie
so now i say goodbye

We've been friends through thick and thin
now it seems everything was gone
the days went by and
now I'm all alone

they say some things are just worth waiting for
but i dont see it with you i am waiting for nothing
and i can see it in your eyes, dont try to hide
i never wanted anything more but your love


im open to comments and suggestions.. i really need help with my songwriting
#2
As a beginner I can see why you used such a simple rhyme scheme, and that's perfectly okay. The only suggestion I can give you is to try to use better figurative language and imagery. Maybe try some similes or metaphors. Just try to spice it up more.
#3
i agree with above post, but for a beginner its pretty nice. i like the fact that your able to tell a coherent story, not just bundling a bunch of decent to good lines and calling it a song. one more pointer too

We've been friends through thick and thin
now it seems everything was gone
the days went by and
now I'm all alone


in this line it seems to be a bit chopped up. if you were able to make the later lines longer it would help the flow of the song i believe.

crit mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=890884
#6
If I were you I would probably use this stanza as a chorus, just changed a bit:

We've been friends through thick and thin
now it seems everything was gone
the days went by and
now I'm all alone


Maybe something like this:

We've been friends through thick and thin
Now everything's gone or has been
The days go by, and I'm still here
Now I'm alone, you disappeared

I don't know. That's just something I quickly came up with. And a suggestion on a song title would be Thick and Thin.

Think you could crit this song of mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=876146
Last edited by ttreat31 at Jun 24, 2008,
#10
lol ok i came up with a chorus:

i can see myself right next to you,
the days are endless
but u never see the way that i do
i would change my world
for you to be my girl
but the dream is over cause you dont love me anymore

i dunno.. its just something that's popped in my mind lol..
#11
Hi.

There are a couple reasons I'm closing this thread. Please read the rules to figure them out. I will hint that one of htem has to do with this thing called the "edit button." The other has to do wiht titles.

The rules are above the stickied threads in the main forum. Please read them.

-zC