#1
This is what i have so far, for a new song. it's about chapstick.

Chapstick

You touch my lips
I get all tingly
You've done your job
Now you return

Your smoth and sweet
You never let me down
Your almost as sweet
as Ice Cream

You are great at the beach
and great in the snow
Also great during wind
So I send a smile to you

Please give feedback and possible extra lines!
#2
i like the idea ...

u know wat...im bored

i'll crit 4 real

Quote by zkelly198
This is what i have so far, for a new song. it's about chapstick.

Chapstick

You touch my lips
I get all tingly
You've done your job
Now you return

not a very strong opening...but i like the word tingly

Your smoth and sweet
You never let me down
Your almost as sweet
as Ice Cream

this is better...ice cream doesnt need to be capitalized....

You are great at the beach
and great in the snow
Also great during wind
So I send a smile to you

hm...

Please give feedback and possible extra lines!



overall there isnt much to say....it isnt bad but it isnt impressive either...maybe rework it and make it longer or better or something bc i really like the concept....

crit4crit? if u would i would appreciate a crit of Results Not Typical (in my sig.)
Thnx,
Adam