#1
Hey guys its been an uber long time since I've posted anything up here...but I figured hey why not...

This is my newest piece...ive got it to music but havnt recorded yet unfortunatly...This is very much a different style for me...but I hope you guys enjoy it! C4C


(Intro)

(Breakdown 1)

(verse 1)
Is this life so meaningless
Or is there truth in tragedy
Living in self denial has gotten the best of me
I've forgotten everything I've learned

(Chorus)
You've taught me so much
But I've fallen so far away

(Fill)

(Breakdown 2)
I know that i need you in my life
but its so hard to believe
Your arms are there
When your presence seems so scarce

(Verse 2)
But i know no matter what
Your always in my heart
Keeping me strong
and never losing hope
That one day I will come home

(Chorus)

(Outro)
I've prayed to understand
the meaning of it all
Will I ever know the truth in tragedy?
How strong do I need to be?

(Breakdown 3)
How strong do I need to be?
#2
Overall, they only slight vague Christian reference is "Your arms are there/When your presence seems so scarce." However, after that, I fail to see how this would be categorized as Christian anything. Here's my crit:


(Breakdown 1)
Side Note: Don't have a breakdown immediately. Use them sparingly. Try putting it at the climax of the song or at the end for a killer ending, but never open.

(verse 1)
Is this life so meaningless
Or is there truth in tragedy
Living in self denial has gotten the best of me
I've forgotten everything I've learned

There's no real flow. It just seems to trip out of my mouth like I'm throwing up. Work on making each line flow together. And just as I was told on my piece, learn to properly punctuate. The lines seem relatively straight forward. Nothing to impressive, but nothing horrible. It needs work.

(Chorus)
You've taught me so much
But I've fallen so far away

I can see a vague Christ reference here, but again, I wouldn't classify it as Christian. I could just as easily assume this means something else. Punctuate it, as well. In terms of content, nothing too flashy.

(Breakdown 2)
I know that i need you in my life
but its so hard to believe
Your arms are there
When your presence seems so scarce

Two breakdowns? That's kinda' pushing it. The breakdown is overused in a lot of -core music. Savor it! Listen to Hardcore Punk, and tell me how many breakdowns they had. Not one every other minute. Spare them!

Punctuate, fix grammatical errors. This stanza reminds me of a child who was abused or neglected. The attempted rhyme, as it seems, just doesn't work, and I don't think it flows well, but it does flow.


(Verse 2)
But i know no matter what
Your always in my heart
Keeping me strong
and never losing hope
That one day I will come home

Taking what I've restated several times into heart, this is probably the best part of the song. The content isn't bad, but it leaves me wanting more. Like a small meal, almost.

(Outro)
I've prayed to understand
the meaning of it all
Will I ever know the truth in tragedy?
How strong do I need to be?

This doesn't flow well at all, and is actually pretty boring to read. We get it, he has self-doubts. What more?

(Breakdown 3)
How strong do I need to be?

Seriously, 3 breakdowns? Dude, that's over-doing it.



Just my 2 cents.
#3
I like it, it's not perfect, but good.
Quote by dcdossett65
Life is too short to worry about this crap.

Who.

Cares.
#4
It's powerfull, but a little to rough flow-wise. Read it over a few times and type it up again. Chances are you'll do something differently. (At least this works for me.) Also, you need to strip the breakdowns except the last one. The lyrics used in the breakdowns would make good interludes or post-verse parts, though.
Quote by guitar-godfrey
when i grow up i wanna have blackandsilver's babies!

Quote by angusfan16

Quote by Scowmoo
..
HOLY HELL.

nice discovery, sir.


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Last edited by coryklok : Today at 01:10 PM.
#5
I agree with the other posters that sometimes the flow gets tripped up. I'm not sure what it's like when it's sung, but on paper some parts seem awkward. In the first verse I would cut out the last line and split up the third line in two "Living in self denial/ Has gotten the best of me." Also I would consider changing the chorus to "You've taught me so much/ But I've forgot everything." I think those two lines connect better. The last two lines of the Breakdown 2 are kind of a mouthful to say. I would change it to, "You're arms are there/ But your love seems so scarce". Also I think the Outro could use some work. It would benefit greatly from some imagery. Describe where he's praying, what he's looking at when he prays, etc. Anyways, I hope to read more from you.

Crit mine please
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