#1
phonics.


tell me how the color changes;
the leaves never say enough.
the trees couldn't shake, or sneeze,
or even stand the answer up.
the breeze keeps secrets;
like an adolescent girl,
passing notes to all her friends in class.
she's making it completely obvious;
but she'd never forgive you
for understanding.
so we're persistent to consider
the past.
and convincing to delay
reinventing what's been said -
all
too
fast.

...so speak to me.
anything-anyone.
drown me in
sounding pandemonium.
we could even
leave it
as a
verbose symposium.
alone,
i am a
rock in my
unwavering endeavor
to connect;
i am human.
i am someone.

"hello."
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#2
Very nice. Extremely poetic, and it seems you put quite a bit of thought into this.

I'd give this a 10/10 if not at least a solid 9.5 with concerns for the rhythm, but of course I have no idea what kind of song you're planning on incorporating this in.]

Again, great lyrics. Keep on rockin'!
#3


if you read this sideways, it demonstrates the theory of evolution.

the ending was perfect, the hello was ever so slightly insane, i absoutely adored it, this really was so much more... concise, than your usual pieces. The flow suffered ever so slightly, I think, but it was much better peice for it - the topic was apparent though ever so slightly obscured (though, not almost cryptic as is sometimes the case with you and Arthur Curry) and it allowed me to connect on a level that i felt i couldn't with a couple of your other pieces.

Beautiful.
#4
thank you ibryant, unfortunately this wasn't a song though. :]

Alex,
you challenge
my balance;
with your comments,
never callous.
thank you.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#6
yoo meen, bai?
kind uv like pai?
but i sux at algore-ithms.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#7
This is better, as far as the point I was talking about. Particularly the end of the second stanza... that was very well controlled, and almost haunting in execution. Still, seems like its lacking something to me. It's good... and honestly, still one of the best I've read on here... it just isn't as eerie as it should have been. This whole things seems like I should have been staring at this while reading it:


It just gave me the feeling that it was meant to be a creepy self-inspection, like a haunting of my own self talking to myself or something. I'm probably way off, but it felt like that, and I really think if you captured that mood more in the piece it could be very much more intense and honestly, hit like the Russian in Rocky IV. May just be me. I dunno. You're definitely getting better at controlling the tone... at least with this piece though. I'm crazy. I'm going away now. Good piece though.

EDIT FROM CARMEL: Send your damn answers back, hoe. (zC may have editted one or more words in)

EDIT^2: posted a new one... its sigged.
#8
phonics.


tell me how the color changes;
the leaves never say enough.
i'd drop the entirely in this line.
and look for replacements in a another place or two.
it appears in all 5 of these first lines.

the trees couldn't shake, or sneeze,
or even stand the answer up.
the breeze keeps secrets;
like an adolescent girl,
passing notes to all her friends in class.
she's making it completely obvious;
but she'd never forgive you
for understanding.
so we're persistent to consider
the past.
and convincing to delay
i'm confuzzled by the use of convincing.
reinventing what's been said -
all
too
fast.
usually i enjoy your line breaks.
this seemed less useful.
would have preferred all three on the same line.


...so speak to me.
anything-anyone.
drown me in
sounding pandemonium.
we could even
leave it
as a
verbose symposium.
alone,
i am a
rock in my
unwavering endeavor
to connect;
i am human.
i am someone.

"hello."

between you, Pete, and Jamie, i'm finding it ever-increasingly difficult to find things i don't like in your pieces.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#9
this is nice. i didn't like the pandemonium / symposium thing. and the rock line was kind of lame. i liked where the first stanza was going, but the second one had a little bit of overt self indulgence i guess. i didn't like how it ended on 'hello', i thought that was kind of a cop out since the rest of the piece seems to hark towards some sort of depressive ending. i really liked the use of adolescent i think that was probably my favorite imagery of the entire piece even if it did get a little crazy. i think if you lost the little bit of girl that was in this and made it a little more boyish just in terms of imagery it'd be a lot stronger. i find that being kind of flowery in detail when talking about romance or something is nice, but when you try and do it with a theme of isolation or something similar than it ends up coming off kind of gothy. anyways, thats what i say.
#10
Quote by ottoavist
phonics.


tell me how the color changes;
the leaves never say enough.
the trees couldn't shake, or sneeze,
or even stand the answer up.
the breeze keeps secrets;
like an adolescent girl,
passing notes to all her friends in class.
she's making it completely obvious;
but she'd never forgive you
for understanding.
so we're persistent to consider
the past.
and convincing to delay
reinventing what's been said -
all
too
fast.

Brilliant. But I do have some qualms. Personally, I've never liked the word "adolescent." It's such a distant word. I think it works against you here. Then again, I don't think it really works for anyone. Also, in the line immediately after that, I'd omit "to all her friends." It seems like extra baggage. Even the word "completely" in the line after that seems superfluous.

"Convincing" seems like a strange tense to me, I probably would've said "convinced." But now I'm just nitpicking.

I like this. It's different, but still very you. I think it's the line length. This stanza doesn't seem quite as hushed/rushed as your previous ones.


...so speak to me.
anything-anyone.
drown me in
sounding pandemonium.
we could even
leave it
as a
verbose symposium.
alone,
i am a
rock in my
unwavering endeavor
to connect;
i am human.
i am someone.

A rock is something so strange to relate yourself to when you're talking about being active.. Perhaps this is a something subtle that went over my head? Probably. It is you, after all.

I like this. This is returning to your normal form, but because of the previous stanza, it's like reading you from a different perspective. Very cool.


"hello."

Goodness. ^^


You're too freaking good..
#11
I liked the analogy of an adolescent girl

I actually liked the "hello" at the end because the stanza preceding it said you wanted to connect and you were human. Humans are social animals, so when "hello" comes in, the reader is immediately emotionally fullfilled.

Maybe that's just me, because I like it when people say hello to me
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#13
i want to thank you guys for getting around to this one. it kind of panned out the way i wanted also; which is sorta weird. there's several different interpretations floating around... i'm looking forward to more replies(not out of modesty, out of curiosity for the piece).

i'll return whoever has a new one out(if not right now, just PM me with a link, or let me know somehow...)

EDIT: Zach, Steve sent me the questionaire too. i filled it out a couple of days ago and sent it back to him... i let Carmel know just now also.
Oh where, oh where, has my dear info went?
Oh where, oh where, could it be? lol.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Jun 25, 2008,
#14
tell me how the color changes;
the leaves never say enough.
the trees couldn't shake, or sneeze,
or even stand the answer up.
the breeze keeps secrets;
like an adolescent girl,
passing notes to all her friends in class.
she's making it completely obvious;
but she'd never forgive you
for understanding.
so we're persistent to consider
the past.
and convincing to delay
reinventing what's been said -
Got just a bit wordy for me here. "convincinv... reinventing", read far too much like you were stuffing out for rhythm than saying the things that needed to be said. Watch that.
all
too
fast.

...so speak to me.
Ugly Ellipsis. For me never has an effect. Blah.
anything-anyone.
drown me in
sounding pandemonium.
we could even
leave it
as a
verbose symposium.
My least favourite part of the piece, like others have mentioned. It's just a tick I have - people say about "cliche/bland" rhymes (I do, just have on another lol) but on the other side of the coin (usually tails) putting two unusual words together and rhyming sometimes sounds a bit forced, maybe even tacky. It felt like that for me here. Like "oh yr I can rime lols". I mean, maybe you're shooting with some irony there with the "verbose", but that doesn't get you away with it. That's just "ooooooooh I'm IRONY nice to meet ya lets fuck", there's no clever there. It felt bland and slightly amateurish execution and idea. For me. After reading you for a while now it seemed juvenile.
alone,
i am a
rock in my
unwavering endeavor
to connect;
i am human.
i am someone.

"hello."
Eh, I agree with (Jared?) that it felt a bit of a cop-out. Like watching Heroes for that bitching fight between Petrelli and Sylar, only to find out that IT WILL NEVER FUCKING HAPPEN. Failed to move me (more of that on your other pieces lulz).

On the odd occasion you are like a really, really, really hot and witty english proffesseress who wears a catsuit to your lectures, only to find out she reads chick lit and drinks alco-pops and will never say in that really cool way "gimme a beer" after a hard days swrod-fighting.

It's frustrating sometimes to read you.

Others it's golden.
#15
Quote by pixiesfanyo
this is nice. i didn't like the pandemonium / symposium thing. and the rock line was kind of lame. i liked where the first stanza was going, but the second one had a little bit of overt self indulgence i guess. i didn't like how it ended on 'hello', i thought that was kind of a cop out since the rest of the piece seems to hark towards some sort of depressive ending. i really liked the use of adolescent i think that was probably my favorite imagery of the entire piece even if it did get a little crazy. i think if you lost the little bit of girl that was in this and made it a little more boyish just in terms of imagery it'd be a lot stronger. i find that being kind of flowery in detail when talking about romance or something is nice, but when you try and do it with a theme of isolation or something similar than it ends up coming off kind of gothy. anyways, thats what i say.


I absolutely agree, except I'll take it a step forward. The second stanza is bad. It ruins the wonderful imagery of the first by basically stating obvious apiphanies that could be found on any chinese cookie.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#16
I'll be like the guy in Amadeus...

Too many words.

Yet all the words were good.

Minus the first 'the'.

Just... too many words.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#17
too many words?
or maybe; not enough?

i agree on the second stanza; you definitely took it for what it is.
i don't know, i think i've been too vague.

when i was writing this, there was a fine line dividing the point where i placed myself in the position of a reader to take the words/meaning as absolute/literal, and where i felt the meaning could've had more of an "instinctual grab"(i don't know if down-to-earth is a term that's appropriate here) that i was satisfied with at the time.
i guess this piece's mummification process left a few key appendages hanging that i should've noticed before continuing with it; but the feedback on this has been completely awesome. i believe pixiesfanyo(Jared?) was the one who really unravelled it the most, and matt grabbed where he left off and kept running. thank all you guys for taking the time.
i've been trying to incorporate these same "vibes" in my more recent pieces, and i wanted to take it to the next level with this one. i feel like it's been a good experimentation process thus far for a bigger project that i'm currently enthralled with. that's the reason why i haven't wrote any sonnets yet, Dylan. lol.
anyway, thanks again everyone. i don't know what direction i'll be taking for my next post. i'll be sure to show the same respect though, to everyone that's taken the time on this one.

- Kent

EDIT: Zach, that's a crazy awesome picture btw.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Jun 26, 2008,