#1
crit4crit

You keep saying, "in your dreams"
So I keep counting on sheep
And if I die in my sleep
Oh, my love, would you weep?

Weep like I weep
On this pillow
When I hold it close
And pretend it's you

I take these sheets
Dress like a ghost
Even though I know
I don't have to

And when I'm sleep-walking
Oh, I'm always sweet-talking

But when the alarm
Wakes me up
My mouth's dry and I'm
So nervous

You've never found time
To close your eyes
You've never found time
To open mine

Won't you come rest your head?
Lay down and bless this matress

I keep praying
But it must be
The wrongway
'Cause you're not there
When I wake

So I'll just fall
Back to sleep
I'm so tired
From all my dreams
Last edited by themarsvolta at Jun 29, 2008,
#2
looks pretty good, all you need is the music for it to go over. I'd like to hear it when it's done.
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#3
Hey,

Good to see you branching out from your usual style. My problem with this piece is that its a piece that anyone could have written. There is nothing in here that hasn't been thrown out before. Its an interesting take on a common idea, but there was nothing in here that stood out as a piece that only you could have written. That's sort of expected since your style is very narrow (not meant as a shot at you, but you know, the religious reference style is a narrow field). However, it flowed well and as a song it would work quite well. I'd like to see a bit more expansion upon this... give me a little more and a less general version of this. Give me something with strange details that makes it quirky, give me something with a point of view that only you can offer. I think learning to use your distinctive poetic voice without always having to throw in the heavy religious tones will really expand your realm of "write-ability" and honestly, make you a much better writer.

This is a good step in the right direction though.

-zC
#4
You keep saying, "in your dreams"
So keep counting on sheep
And if I die in my sleep
Oh, my love, would you weep?
i didnt feel anything from its...the wording wasnt bad but it was short from good
Weep like I weep
On this pillow
When I hold it close
And pretend it's you
first to lines i wasnt a fan of but the last two are good
I take these sheets
Dress like a ghost
Even though I know
I don't have to
the idea was there but i didnt like this one at all
And when I'm sleep-walking
Oh, I'm always sweet-talking
doesn't sound good with you already saying "sleep" once....agian i flattered the idea but not the wording
But when the alarm
Wakes me up
My mouth's dry and I'm
So nervous
agian the idea was there....not the words
You've never found time
To close your eyes
You've never found time
To open mine
i enjoyed this one
Won't you come rest your head?
Lay down and bless this matress
i liked it alot
I keep praying
But it must be
The wrongway
'Cause you're not there
When I wake
idk it sounded kinda cliched
So I'll just fall
Back to sleep
I'm so tired
From all my dreams
possibly the best part of this piece
Reaching for the sun
one may forget
the feet which
ground him
#5
Keep that tongue in that cheek of yours.

And never stop writing like you do. Top three songwriters on this forum, Joseph.

See you around, mate.