#1
read from the gospels
fragile words
that melt in your mouth
like sumptuous jam
that fall off the bone
like slow-roast lamb
and
shatter your beliefs
with deliberate tone

in textbooks we read
with deliberate groan
the invention of bulbs and
the telephone
but nothing connects
like a strawberry scone
and nothing distracts
like an ice cream cone

in god we trust
to divide us from scorn
and provide us with love
in edible form
to bless us with peas
and carrots and corn
and let vegetables thrive
on all of our lawns

yum.


o.t.s, c4c, etc.
Last edited by skagitup at Aug 2, 2008,
#2
Alex....i don't know my feelings on this yet.
the flow was nearly flawless; only indention i found was that you could get by(probably sound better too) with adding "light" before "bulb." the extra syllable would do nothing but justice IMHO.
argh...i'm getting frustrated trying to find my thoughts. i promise i'll be back.

btw, thank you for the comment on my piece. i toasted my morning coffee to that, it made my day.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#3
You made me say 'scone' like a southerner .

As said above, having the whole of 'textbooks' and only the word 'light' is the only bit that seems a bit off (other than the very thought of food to me).
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#5
ok, i want to compliment on the flow once again. especially in the first stanza, where "and" is actually used as a line break. that rite thar is jeenius, suuun.

i wish i could say that i loved this, i truly do. but unfortunately, i think that the style of writing here negatively affected the tone of the piece. the almost child-like sarcasm(not a bad thing) implied throughout the verse in rhyme is just too......"not serious?" for the appropriate tone that this requires to actually have a noticeable impact, imho. it was a pleasant read though, Alex.
i noticed on your last piece that you said you were trying different things. i hope i've been able to give some decent direction.

- Kent
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#6
Yeah, agree totally. I'll let this die now.

This was just boring. The topic was mildly interesting, the flow ever so slightly enjoyable and the piece in general evidently pretty bland.

My next piece will be more entertaining, I hope.
#7
Quote by skagitup
This was just boring. The topic was mildly interesting, the flow ever so slightly enjoyable and the piece in general evidently pretty bland.


oh, no, not in the least. it's all based out of my perspective man. honestly, you probably need some more comments on this to be able to jump to conclusion.(i hate using "to" that much, ugh) lol.
you're a great writer Alex. let this, and anymore you decide to post, just simmer for awhile. dat's wassup homie.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#8
Quote by skagitup
Yeah, agree totally. I'll let this die now.

This was just boring. The topic was mildly interesting, the flow ever so slightly enjoyable and the piece in general evidently pretty bland.

My next piece will be more entertaining, I hope.


It definitely wasn't bland!
Change 'bulb' and I'm in love... or at least really like it.
I get the taste of scones and jam in my head, and I can't eat scones, and it makes me smile. I'll admit to thinking it's only mildly interesting, but with it's other aspects that doesn't make it scrapworthy.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!