#1
After reviewing the feedback received to date I have revised this piece extensively. Thanks to everyone who took the time to read and reveiw the original. I have tried to keep in mind the constructive feedback while working on this so please let me know if I came closer this time around.Cheers!

Curse the flowers of the moody Spring,
Those lust filled lovers in mid-fling.
Curse the Bee and her painful sting
And the free flying Robin on a feathery wing

Curse the cloud and lying sky
Whose height deceived my dreamy eye
Curse that river running by
For carrying tears that I have cried

I feel so cheated and so betrayed
By everything, in everyway.
The thing I trusted most in life?
Curse that recently beloved wife

So I curse the dog and smelly cat
And I curse the children –raucous brats
Curse the red white blue and black
The decrepit queen and her Union Jack

My overbearing Mum and absent Dad,
I curse the good as well as the bad.
What made me happy now makes me sad
- So I curse all the sex that I’ve ever had.

Curse this song and all my art!
I curse the end. I curse the start!
Curse myself and what’s left of my heart!
But I curse YOU most for playing your part.
Last edited by 20Tigers at Jun 27, 2008,
#4
Ha ha I can't quite tell if this is a goofy curse-ing song, or slightly more angry or serious. It can work quite well for either one, it is both amusing and a little depressing.

I do agree a tiny bit with LD Luke D, maybe a short line or two without the word "curse" every other stanza would help focus the exact meaning of this song, and provide a little respite from the bulk of the lyrics.
#5
Too many uses of the word curse, IMO.
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when i grow up i wanna have blackandsilver's babies!

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..
HOLY HELL.

nice discovery, sir.


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Last edited by coryklok : Today at 01:10 PM.
#6
I may be back, I may not. But for now: This is dying to be punctuated. Commas are your friend. It would make this read so much more smoothly, and honestly would make the "Curse" repetitiveness not seem so repetitive. Direct your reader so that he can read this the way you intended it. Show off the structure and let it frame your ideas. Without the punctuation, we as readers are lost and have nothing to go with. Your structure fails, whcih makes the piece fail. Anytime you are going to attempt something like this, you always need to consider what the reader will think, and how they will read it... and then you need to assume your reader is a mentally deficient Chimp and guide them through it. This depends far too much on structure to not have that. Once you've fixed the structure, PM me and I'll give it another read nad see if I can appreciate it... but for now, I couldn't even finish it because of the structure and lack of punctuation.

-zC
#7
Curse the Flowers Curse the Spring
Curse the good moods that it brings
it seems as if it should be they
Curse the Bee Curse her sting
Curse the Robin Curse his wing

Curse the cloud Curse the Sky
Any reason for capitalizing certain words and
leaving others uncapitalized? I'm not seeing any
correlation between them.

Curse the river running by
Curse my mouth Curse my eye
And Curse the stupid tears it cried

Curse the dog Curse the cat
Curse the children thin or fat
Curse the white Curse the black
Curse the bloody Union Jack

Curse the laughter Curse the frown
Curse the Joker Curse the Clown
Curse the city Curse the town
Curse the world for being upsidedown *upside down

Curse my mum Curse my Dad
Curse the good Curse the bad
Curse the happy Curse the sad
Curse all the sex Iv’e ever had (yes both times) *I've

Nice comical relief from all the... cursing.

Curse Pink Floyd Curse Led Zeppelin
Curse Kurt Cobain Curse Bob Dylan
Curse Blind Willie Curse Rob Johnson
Curse that drunken Jim Morrison

This verse comes across as awkward
due to the lack of rhyme since all the other
verses have some sort of rhyme scheme.

Curse the end Curse the start
Curse this song Curse all art
Curse Myself Curse my heart
And a Curse on You for playing your part

If I had to chose a favorite verse this would be it.



I don't have mkuch to say about this, since I don't really see any meaning or intention in the writing, just a list of seemingly unrelated things that you're cursing. There are some verses which are better than others, but the majority are cliched and very forced. I suppose if you do a good job with the musical property it has potential to be a good song - though its not my type of music.

As it stands, pretty much anyone could have put together a list of things and added "curse" in front of them. I don't know your writing very well, but based on the thought you put into critting my piece I believe you have potential to do much more than this.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#8
Quote by 20Tigers


Curse the flowers of the moody Spring,
Those lust filled lovers in mid-fling.
Curse the Bee and her painful sting
And the free flying Robin on a feathery wing

Curse the cloud and lying sky
Whose height deceived my dreamy eye
Curse that river running by
For carrying tears that I have cried

I feel so cheated and so betrayed
By everything, in everyway.
The thing I trusted most in life?
Curse that recently beloved wife
Change "that" to "my"

So I curse the dog and smelly cat
And I curse the children –raucous brats
Curse the red white blue and black
The decrepit queen and her Union Jack

Ugh, "smelly" is an ugly word. Sounds so childish.

My overbearing Mum and absent Dad,

I curse the good as well as the bad.
What made me happy now makes me sad
- So I curse all the sex that I’ve ever had.

That line reads terrible. Breaks the whole flow.

Curse this song and all my art!
I curse the end. I curse the start!
Curse myself and what’s left of my heart!
But I curse YOU most for playing your part.

This was my least favorite part. So cliche and childish, really.


Its better... but still not great. The rhymes were still too easy, and lot of it felt forced. Like the sex line just comign out of nowhere. I'm really tired, so if this doesn't make sense, sorry. But, yeah... its better, and I finished it this time... but it still feels like poetry for poetry's sake... which makes it feel a bit stale.

-zC