#1
synthesize rational eyes
turn your sight back from forked
deception is brought by tongue
"do you feel young, nothing of demise?"

"no, i'll live forever"
walking chalk line ambiguity
pumping false meaning with battered blood
"i am special"

reach deep
down your organs
find what your holding
scold it with streetlights
look at emptiness

shorten breaths, a step latter approach
for attention gains, speak the word
"are saviors here"
indention stains seem so clear under UV rays

spot

stop

rot

wake renewed to
delusional pawnshop barters
wait, cut like this
find the flesh of innocence

"as for your mother"
"well i bought her"
"breach birth procedures."
speak of what you know
nothing of truth....rationalize

hop the train

you are vain

take the pain

hold your lies

lie your grave

you are saved?

were not beasts
lack the thirst
that plagues are teeth
but we'll evolve in time

how can bi-products breathe?
sifting reality from dreams
hold the bits, they will weigh
as proof that youth is yet a phase

stare between heaven and the ozone
stare between science and divine
close in prayer
well God heres your sign

stuck in transition
position yourself for carbon fumes
inhale mortality

the son was sent
repent
the sun will set
where will you be?
Reaching for the sun
one may forget
the feet which
ground him
Last edited by bigbirdfan at Jun 27, 2008,
#2
I loved the individual sections. Each one was memorable in its own way. Some GREAT ideas and lines in there... but I'm afraid it feels much to broken for me. Its like nothing tied together. Each stanza was its own mountain, but there was nothing in between to make it into a range. It needs more. the "rational eyes" made me cream my literary pants. Beautiful, gorgeous word play.

Your pieces are always exciting to read, because they do contain such splendiferous word play... but they always come up lacking too, because when it boils down to it. Word play is all they are to someone who isn't looking at it from your perspective. There is no message I as a reader and ascertain from this. I can just appreciate it and move on. My advice to you: start writing things a reader and dig into and not just appreciate like some lost piece of art. Let us into your world and tie everything together to make a point. Otherwise, your work will always remain something pretty too look at, but never a masterpiece that we can feel.

Well, if you feel like returning a read/comment, I have a new one up (its the newest in my sig). If not, cool.

-zC

EDIT: As far as mine goes.... I thought about doing the kid thing... but it didn't feel as truthful. Because the part of my life I'm writing about happened when I was older, and I'd like that to be reflected in it. Plus, the wine with kids thing just didn't resonate wiht my life at all... so yeah. I'm planning on working out that kink.

And like I said, I'm sure everything is connected, but that is from your point of view where you know what you are saying. From our point of view, as a reader, there is nothing to draw this together. Its not a terrible thing, just something to consider. you have to control how your reader feels about your piece to be a truly effective author.

EDIT 2: Your Title was absolutely magical.
#3
I really agree with Zanas, individually each stanza stands out as a beautiful piece of writing that is completely unconnected to any other stanza I still loved reading it just for the sake of reading it but if you could find a way to connect it, it could be a great piece of writing
#4
Wow, I don't know if this was intended to just be a poem, but I think it could make a really great song if you threw some chords under that. (reminds me of something by The Matches)

I was excited the whole way through. I wish I could work with words like you do there.
#5
yeah i added some more content to make it less vague
but however i did not change any of the existing content
so have fun
Reaching for the sun
one may forget
the feet which
ground him
#6
Tahnk you for the crit. I appreciate it. This was a really good piece and I enjoyed reading it. However, I wasn't a big fan of the choppiness. Like Zana said, the stanza felt disconnected. But i also felt like the stanza was disconnected with in themselves. I wish that thge lines would've flowed into each other better