#1
C4C

Alone in the dark
Nothing is moving
No one makes a sound
Can't make out anything
Two feet from your eyes
Keep your head under the pillow son
Or everyone dies
Light cuts like a knife
But with a dull blade
Keep quiet son or he'll see
He'll seek what you conceal
Turn now son
From your demons disappear
Only a godsend
May you be spared now

Shadows lurk
Creep at night
Looking for you
With their dead sight
No one is moving
Nothing makes a sound
You've done this before
What’s once more?
Don't turn back now son
To him you are bound
But tossed aside
Like his cheap little toy
Quivering again
In the black abyss that is
Home
Last edited by Take This Life at Jul 23, 2008,
#2
Quote by Take This Life
C4C

Alone in the dark
Nothing is moving
Nothing makes a sound
not too fond of the use of the word "nothing" two lines in a row
Can't see anything
Not in front of my eyes
this just sounded a bit awkward
Keep your head under the pillow son
Or everyone dies
Light cults like a knife
did you mean "cuts"?
But with a dull blade
like this idea
Keep quiet son or he'll see
Hear where you are
again, sounds awkward
Then the knife will cut deeper
the idea of the knife cutting is getting a bit tired by now
Like so many times before
Hide now son
From your demons now
With any luck
You'll make it through the night


there were a few awkward lines and some other things that i wasn't too fond of but i give you props for writing a solid piece and doing your thing.

take a look at mine and lemme know whatcha think? thanks
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=893230
#4
Quote by Take This Life
C4C

Alone in the dark
Nothing is moving
No one makes a sound
Can't see anything
The sense stress in this line is bad. It ruins the flow.
Black in front of my eyes
Keep your head under the pillow son
Too long.
Or everyone dies
Light cuts like a knife
But with a dull blade
The word selection here is wierd. The light cuts LIKE, then it cuts WITH? That irked me.
Keep quiet son or he'll see
He'll seek what you hide
Go now son
From your demons disappear
With any luck
Tomorrow you'll still be here
Well, as far as storyline, I don't see much of a connection. There's a father, a demon, something he's hiding, and darkness. Even if you're vague, decribing the hidden thing can help a great deal. Is it a crime? A desire? What is it?

Shadows lurk
Creep at night
Looking for you
With their dead sight
Fine, except for this last line. "Dead sight" doesn't personify the shadows.
No one is moving
Nothing makes a sound
You've played his game
This line doesn't help, but it would if the secret was defined.
Once again
Don't turn back now son
To him you are bound
But tossed aside
Like his cheap little toy
Quivering again
In the black abyss that is
Home


Sorry for the rough crit. I just thought that there was no real storyline. There's something hidden, and it caused a conflict. What kind of conflict? With what kind of characters? Over what secret? Who's the good guy? The bad guy? The father? Should I be happy, sad, sexually aroused? It just felt very vague and undescript.
#5
Quote by Take This Life
C4C

Alone in the dark
Nothing is moving
No one makes a sound
Can't see anything
Black in front of my eyes
Keep your head under the pillow son
Or everyone dies
Light cuts like a knife
But with a dull blade
Keep quiet son or he'll see
He'll seek what you hide
Go now son
From your demons disappear
With any luck
Tomorrow you'll still be here

Shadows lurk
Creep at night
Looking for you
With their dead sight
No one is moving
Nothing makes a sound
You've played his game
Once again
Don't turn back now son
To him you are bound
But tossed aside
Like his cheap little toy
Quivering again
In the black abyss that is
Home



I honestly enjoy your themes/ability to tell a story, it's just your word choice bores me to death, you seem to have better themes than most, but the wording doesnt do it justice. Use a thesaurus and become adventurous.

Thanks for the crit, and hope my advice helps.