#1
Well give the people what they want
You know they’ll cheer you on
Run like hell kid
They’re on to you

You know nothing but good can come from this
“Friends” is okay too
We can just sit out in the rain
And dance, dance, dance!

Calm and cool is what we were aiming for
I’ll let you know when I get there
I just want to let this live
‘Cause I know you’ll do the right thing

Woah oh I think a jump off the cliff
Will do you a world of good
Just get your feet wet
Then jump right in

When you think about it enough
It seems like a good plan
But you had me all tied up
For that brief moment

Calm and cool is what we were aiming for
I’ll let you know when I get there
I just want to let this live
‘Cause I know you’ll do the right thing


I have some music for this too. It's a very laid back acoustic song. Simple guitar, just 4 chords. Very relaxed feel. Try to imagine it
#3
^ don't bump!!!! Go on. Delete that post now.

Quote by mcrfobtai
Well give the people what they want
You know they’ll cheer you on
Run like hell kid
They’re on to you

Good opener.
Just add some punctuation!


You know nothing but good can come from this
“Friends” is okay too
We can just sit out in the rain
And dance, dance, dance!


A little odd, but fine.
The 'dance' had no rhythmic introduction, no assonance or rhyme to introduce it, so seemed really 'what the hell were you on?'


Calm and cool is what we were aiming for
I’ll let you know when I get there
I just want to let this live
‘Cause I know you’ll do the right thing

'I’ll let you know when I get there' was out of place. Know what, m'dear? It's not an inquisitive 'what?', it's a 'that's out of place' 'what?'.

After the first stanza, having the writer being skeptical about the person in question, this whole idea didn't fit without anything else about it.


Woah oh I think a jump off the cliff
Will do you a world of good
Just get your feet wet
Then jump right in

Surely the feet get wet when they've jumped off? Using both 'off' and 'in' makes it harder to read.

When you think about it enough
It seems like a good plan
But you had me all tied up
For that brief moment

'Brief moment' seems overdone.
Seems like you've written down your ideas and not connected them yet.


Calm and cool is what we were aiming for
I’ll let you know when I get there
I just want to let this live
‘Cause I know you’ll do the right thing


I have some music for this too. It's a very laid back acoustic song. Simple guitar, just 4 chords. Very relaxed feel. Try to imagine it


As I said above, the ideas all seem a lil bit disconnected, but the ideas are good.
C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=893798
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#4
Like ^ said. this all gives off such a disconnected feel. It's like you wrote all this down but don't give a crap how it turned out. There is a lot of potential, but its basically not even been tapped. A lot of neat ideas... but nothing hit me really. So here are some of my main gripes, digupherbones got most of the stuff but yeah.

A) Your tone was so inconsistent. It's hard to right a piece that feels like it fits together when your tone is jumping about, with no pattern.

B) Your word choice was so, not good. I know this was supposed to be a relaxed piece... but really, you could have used so many better words. For Example lets look at this:

When you think about it enough
-This line could have been chopped down a lot. "When you ponder it" I mean, the way you have it written is just too long and confusing, condense and make it hit wiht some punch.

It seems like a good plan
-ugh... so bland. It says nothing.

But you had me all tied up
-cliche as burning in hell.

For that brief moment
-UGH, so cliche, so unexpressive. In the end, this stanza was basically a waste of time. It covered almost nothing in 30 words. When you write something, it still has to say something, even if its supposed to be relaxed. It doesn't have to be deep or philosophical, but writing 30 lines of filler will always be annoying.


Altogether, this piece missed me. It felt lacking in a lot of ways. It just felt like it never got around to saying anything... like it was just rambling. Sorry if I was harsh, just trying to be constructive. Thanks for getting to mine. If you have any questions, just PM me.

-zC

As a Mod: Don't bump your piece wtih "thanks, I got to yours." Next time your thread gets closed and you get warned.