#1
Tell me, if I rise arise today
In this world, with much to say
Will the battles begin again?
Will I hit the limits of this cage?
You and me, will we still be on the same page?

No you can’t say everything will be fine
In honesty I can’t help but blur this line
Every time, I try to define, what makes me decline?
In the end I feel fine, in the end I feel fine

Reach into the sky
Touch the stars above
Feels as if I’m closer to god
That everything’s on the flip side
No need to make remarks, everything’s now stark to yesterday


Turn around the next day
The walls are tumbling down
The seas are crashing in
This place is killing me from within

I’m back at the start
Now time keeps slowing down
Every time it seems harder to turn around
Can someone please tell me, where am I?

I would really appreciate any criticism at all, as I've just started to write lyrics and don't really know much about their construction etc. I've read over the songwriting and lyrics tip's thread once and this the first thing I've written after reading it.
Last edited by Blue? at Jun 25, 2008,
#2
sounds good, except for the fact that the first two stanzas rhyme every word... that just bothers me. don't know about you or other people. overall a solid bit of writing. the second and fourth stanzas were really good. they reminded me of some of John Frusciante's solo stuff..... except for the fact they make a bit of sense
#3
First piece? I'm gonna try my best to crit this and help you out. Make sure your lines connect to each other, especially in indivual stanzas.It just seems like the lines were written to fit the rhyme scheme. Never let the rhymes get in the way of the content. Also imagery is your friend. Describe an event. The people and places that are involved. (But remember to put emotion into it). Metaphors are great, jsut make sure that they're not random. Well, I'm sorry to be so harsh. I liked reading the piece, I jsut think you could use some direction. I hope to read more from you.

Mind taking a look at mine?
Bedding Experts
#4
I've added another stanza in the hope the song becomes more clear and doesn't seem so erratic.
Also the song is just about reoccurring problems that always seem to come back.