#1
revised june 26th
I drip from the nib
seeping into parchment
defiling the purity
of page and thought

Stained linen
tainted mind

Escape

Scribing and scrolling
bending and weaving
until words reveal meaning
emerging from nothing

A momentary parole
from a lifetime sentence
without punctuation

The pen is my prison.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
Last edited by SomeoneYouKnew at Jun 26, 2008,
#2
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
The pen is my release
my reprieve
my escape

I drip from the nib
seeping into parchment
defiling the purity
of page and thought

Stained linen
tainted mind

Scribing and scrolling
bending and weaving
until words reveal meaning
emerging from nothing (good imagery)

A momentary parole
from a lifetime sentence
without punctuation (I liked the double meaning and metaphor)

The pen is my prison. (I liked how it mirrors the first line)


overall not bad, but not amazing either. I think the topic was quite cliche. Sorry, but I hate poems where the writer talks about writing.

crit? http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=891771

Don't hate me lol
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
Last edited by Laces Out Danny at Jun 25, 2008,
#4
ITS GOOD. CRIT ME, YES???


i don't think that the topic is cliche in the least. the reason being, is that every writer simply has a different take on the matter. we get metaphysical, mechanical, tedious, torturous, bland, discrete, secretive, atrophical, etc. even the more "prisonesque until release from a written exposure" as so well put by SYK. we could even call it "metaliteral," lol.

to be more on point; i liked this quite well. i believe that the progress i've seen dividing your most recent works in chronological fashion is nonetheless....well, maturing. i don't mean this as a stab, but i don't think you're even touching full potential, though. with this being said, i look forward with anticipation to your upcoming works.
if i could be so foward to say that, maybe straying from technique could open you up a little more? that may not be neccessary, but just food for thought.
thank you for getting to my pieces, SYK.
i hope that i've offered some helpful insight.

- Kent
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#5
And here a we go a.

Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
The pen is my release
my reprieve
my escape
okay, thats cool I guess, I liked reprieve. Though the other two, eh, nothing new and nothing that gives me any sort of feeling, very cold and unfeeling, so I like that, fits with the rest. I kind of wish you had a better intro line. Hey, how about you just switch this stanza with the next, that gives you a cool intro stanza and then allows you to go into what the piece is really about in the second. This stanza on it's own I guess is a little redundant, actually, personally, I would just stick with the line "the pen is my reprieve"

I drip from the nib
seeping into parchment
defiling the purity
of page and thought
this is alright, you're turning into a less refined will (look up HendrixEdge in the user search). You might want to work out a standard flow for the lines though, standard syllable count, or at least some internal rhyming, I think it would help everything stay together. I liked this stanza though.

Stained linen
tainted mind
eh, this was the weakest segment in the piece imo, could be gotten rid of, especially if you switch the first two stanzas.

Scribing and scrolling
bending and weaving
until words reveal meaning
emerging from nothing
the last line was redundant I think (though it still worked), I would try to think of another sentiment to impart in that line but I dont know what, so yeah, good stanza, keeps the piece moving.

sharp context
warped content
eh, I dont like it's placement in the piece, it seems like it should go sooner somehow, and it definitely doesnt seem like a couplet to set up the ending. I like the idea though.

A momentary parole
from a lifetime sentence
without punctuation

The pen is my prison.
This last section is great, no complaints. I love the period at the end and the effect thats caused by you not using punctuation throughout the rest of it. Good stuff



Overall, I enjoyed this a lot more than i was expecting to, considering it was Ars-poetica. The flow could be better in parts, but the parts where the rhythm and rhyme was good were really good. You have a good control of sound and words, now I just want to see you take this to a more difficult topic. I'm definitely looking forward to your next SYK. Good read.



I'll have one up in a bit.
#6
Ars-poetica.


I am quite taken to that phrase, Dylan.

We've all written this sort of piece. It's a filler for something better.

And I will get to that one.
#7
certainly improving, SYK, but i think that you're still writing as if you know that you're improving. everything you write seems centered around this main idea which you've obviously produced, and subsequently, the (usually well written) lines flow over nicely with a happy little theme running and you produce these lovely little pieces.

but, i can't imagine you writing anything life altering until you embrace the arrogance of believing in your own freedom on the page. there's some kind of unspoken barrier around this, and i'm feeling it in alot of your pieces. i mean, from the first line i could tell that you weren't going to leap off on a tangent (which is fine to some degree, if you wish to continue writing edible little pieces then ignore me entirely) but i can't help but feel that your pieces are suffering from a lack of one-liners. a lack of really poetic quotable lines, there's no real genius behind this, just a writer who thought he'd write a poem.

i hope you understand what i'm getting at, and this is no vicious insult, far from it, i believe that your way with words is such that you could be writing these monumental beautiful huge descriptive pieces, but your too nice a guy.

grow an ego!
Last edited by skagitup at Jun 26, 2008,
#8
The pen is my release
my reprieve
my escape

I drip from the nib
seeping into parchment
defiling the purity
of page and thought

Stained linen
tainted mind

Scribing and scrolling
bending and weaving
until words reveal meaning
emerging from nothing

I think everything up to this point is really very well laid out. It has great imagery while keeping up a really good rhythm and flow to it. My only comment would be to maybe add something about how defiling the pure paper is done purposefully to destroy that purity. Just my opinion, though.

sharp context
warped content
I really like the linen/mind lines but i think these two just don't have that same sense of vivid images. Also, I think the "warped content" line doesn't seem to fit the flow.

A momentary parole
from a lifetime sentence
without punctuation

The pen is my prison.

Here's where you kind of lose me. The parole line (and the entire song for that matter) suggests that writing is a freedom compared to the captivity that is every day life and not being allowed the time to think clearly. But then you add the line about writing being a prison. Maybe its just me, but I don't get this jump.

Overall I think it has the makings of a really good song. While the subject might be a little cliche, it doesn't matter when you provide good imagery and bring up a good point like writing letting you think clearly even though you might not know where its headed when you begin. I would just suggest that you work on the second half and try to continue that imagery and make the song lead somewhere.

If you could critique mine, I would be very thankful.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=894208
#9
I like the contrast between the first and last lines. Pen being both release and prison is very creative. Both the jail cell and the key, I suppose. I do think the topic is just a little bit overused, but, as ottoavist said, everyone presents it differently, and you're expression of it is especially enjoyable. Nothing really popped at me, but I would say it is a solid piece.
#10
The pen is my release
my reprieve
my escape

As an intro I feel this is a little mundane. It doesn't catch my interest,
mostly due to the lack of imagery. PM'd about this, I have a thought on
what may be an easy and effective fix.


I drip from the nib
seeping into parchment
defiling the purity
of page and thought

The line breaks are great here, and the
actual content paints a beautiful picture in my mind.

Stained linen
tainted mind

Scribing and scrolling
bending and weaving
until words reveal meaning
emerging from nothing

sharp context
warped content

Love the line spacing, it emphasizes these parts nicely.


A momentary parole
from a lifetime sentence
without punctuation

The pen is my prison.

Perfect ending, 'nuff said.



There's a lot to like here, and I enjoyed it more every time I re-read it. I was more than a little put off by the first stanza though, as is probably clear by now. Sorry for the seemingly weak crit, most of what I have to say is in the PM
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#11
@ Danny, the double meaning was my favourite part in this piece.

@ ttreat31, thanks. a little more feedback would be nice, next time.

@ Kent, sooner or later i'll break out into a more free-form style for a piece or two.
for now, structure is useful. i've graduated from blocks to erector sets. the welding torch and scrap metal are waiting in the wings.

@ Dylan, great crit as always. Kept the first couplet, dropped the second.
Dropped the intro entirely rather than move it. There's still a wisp of it.
leave it to you to actually notice the period at the end. :]
btw, i looked up HendrixEdge. interesting character. i also found this

@ Jamie, more than filler for me. Somewhat of a toy, though.

@ Alex, i get exactly what you mean. The hooks aren't there yet. They'll come.

@ badgerkid, thanks. you confirmed some thoughts i had about the original.
i added in those two lines as an afterthought, trying to balance the structure.
it hurt rather than helped. *deleted*

@ Skaliveson, i did enjoy the full-circle with a twist by having the last line contradict the first. glad you did too. but it's on the cutting room floor. oh well.

@ Jake, i really enjoy being able to toss ideas back and forth with you. you have a good sense of where i am, and what i'm trying to do.


I've revised. Thinking of deleting the last line. idk
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#12
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew

I've revised. Thinking of deleting the last line. idk


I would think, that you think right.
Seriously, it just seems like a worthless ending tacked on attempting to wrap it up. Personally, I think this piece is better without it.

I'll try and get the next one.
Promises meant a lot back then.
#13
I like the last line, I would prefer if it was smoother and less obvious, but it really puts a solid ending in place. So, if you don't plan on shipping this piece off to be judged by publishers I think the ending is fine and I like this version much better.

And as for that link:
no comment.
#14
Nice, I like that a lot better, though now I can't decide if I still like the last line or not. Well I'll leave that one up to you.

Choices, choices.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.