#1
I stopped.
Studied the red brick houses to my left.
Red cement.
Navy blue piping.
Worn down window frames,
with gloss coated double glazing.
Took in the atmosphere,
the colours,
the coding,

and the only thing I noticed
was that I was going blind.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Jun 25, 2008,
#2
pleasant image,
slightly jarring message in the tag.
it might breathe a little easier
if you remove The
from L3,4,5.
but it's nice enough
just as it is.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#3
A worthy little read even if it did seem forced out for the ending.

I have read better from you. Much.

<3
#4
Quote by DigUpHerBones
I stopped.
Studied the red brick houses to my left.
The red cement.
don't like the repitition of red
The navy blue piping.
The worn down window frames,
with gloss coated double glazing.
this sounds a bit awkward to me
Took in the atmosphere,
the colours,
the coding,
constantly starting with "the" makes this piece look worse than it is, by editing the "the's" a bit it will easily make it much better

and the only thing I noticed
was that I was going blind.
this was a great ending, loved it


good effort, a bit of touching up and you've got a great piece

check out my newest song and lemme know whatcha think? thanks
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=893230
#5
I stopped.
Studied the red brick houses to my left.
Red cement.
Navy blue piping.
Worn down window frames,
with gloss coated double glazing.
Took in the atmosphere,
the colours,
the coding,

and the only thing I noticed
was that I was going blind.



Better at all?

Honestly, as you'll be able to tell, I haven't written in a few weeks (I've been holding off to get revision and coursework out of the way) and because of my mood just wanted to write something... well... nice. As horrible as that is .
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
could do with a line break before blind

the subtraction of the "the" on those lines helps it something fierce.

it's a lovely little piece, i think.

i still haven't really had the chance to really dig into anything you've done (i owe you, i still remember)
#7
You like your line breaks, don't you??
Done. Cheers for the heads .

And no worries, there's a little ever-so-slightly-sick-making thing I wrote yesterday that I'll be sure to post in a couple of days and you can rip in to. They're like Death Metal lyrics. I hate them. Everyone else I've shown them to (all of three people) has liked them. Eh.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#8
that line break doesn't work as well as i thought it would

the emphasis has gone from not enough to now too much on blind, i think. maybe there should be another line break before was going.

who knows.

i don't know how people can write things and then put them up later. everything i've ever written has been written into the "new thread" box because i felt like writing something.

(apart from when i write on a typewriter but by the time i have finished something on that i already hate it too much to post it)
#9
I didn't post it because I didn't like it.


and the only thing I noticed
was that I was going blind.


Hmmm... I think I want it to stand out by being blurry. Like you're blinder than with the rest of it as you walk away from it.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#10
Quote by DigUpHerBones
Better at all?
it looks lovely to me.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#11
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
it looks lovely to me.


Thanks. I just needed something to make me write again, as long as it's 'nice' or 'lovely' it may as well exist haha. Any other comments would be nice, but I'll put up something odder... more interesting later on and let this drop.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#12
I like it.
short, and not so sweet

and from what I saw before you made the right choice to get rid of some of those "the"s.


Quote by digupherbones
but I'll put up something odder... more interesting later on

Hopefully I'll get to look at that.
Promises meant a lot back then.
#13
I liked the use of punctuation in the beginning to chop the flow, though usually I'm more inclined towards line arrangement to accomplish that. The only thing that tripped me up was the lack of an I before Took. It works fine for Studied because there's an I in the previous line, but all of the description in between that and Took makes me think the subject needs to be identified again. The last lines were awesome. Overall it was a fun, short piece.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#14
Quote by DigUpHerBones
I stopped.
Studied the red brick houses to my left.
Red cement.
Navy blue piping.
Worn down window frames,
with gloss coated double glazing.
Took in the atmosphere,
the colours,
the coding,

The repetition of the word "red" doesn't please me greatly, but its not bad. The addition of the "s" at the end of "house(s)" disconnects me from this ever so slightly. I love the way you describe all the petruding aspects of a household, the most noticeable cases of construction, instead of explaining everything that you see; it leaves your imagination to run wild. Well done. Maybe you could add in another "I" at the beggining of the line..."took in the atmosphere..." It may, it just may add another mini, controlled story. Just an idea...

and the only thing I noticed
was that I was going blind.

This is briefly brilliant. And thats all it needs to be.



OK, very good. Simple and creative. I can never write something as short and sweet as this. Well done love.