#1
i pray for rain to hide these tears
to wash away these unyielding fears
and leave what liitle goodness remains
free from bitterness gathered for years

purify all within me
i've clouded vision,i cannot see
open my minds inner eye
and reveal endless possibilities

i carry burdens on my mind
i search for solutions i cannot find
creating questions with no answers
dull my senses and leave me blind


what do you think?i wrote this in less then five minutes so its not up to my usual standard but it was just a passing spark of inspiration when i was looking out the window at the clouds.
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Tell me what nation on this earth, was not born of tragedy-Primordial
Last edited by Eggmond at Jun 25, 2008,
#2
Quote by Eggmond
i pray for rain to hide these teats
to wash away these unyielding fears
and leave what liitle goodness remains
free from bitterness gathered for years


'tears'
The rain idea is pretty cliched and there's not much added to it here.
'Free from the bitterness' would make sense.
The use of the words 'goodness' and 'bitterness' made the flow weird.


purify all within me
i've clouded vision,i cannot see
open my minds inner eye
and reveal endless possibilities


The purifying idea, the clouded vision idea, the minds eye idea and the endless possibilities are all cliched, mate. You need to bring something else to it.


i carry burdens on my mind
i search for solutions i cannot find
creating questions with no answers
dull my senses and leave me blind


Again with the unanswered questions, blindness and lack of solutions.

what do you think?i wrote this in less then five minutes so its not up to my usual standard but it was just a passing spark of inspiration when i was looking out the window at the clouds.

Revise it and don't post it if you don't think it meets whatever standard you want it to.

C4C?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=893798
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#3
Quote by Eggmond
i pray for rain to hide these tears
to wash away these unyielding fears
and leave what liitle goodness remains
free from bitterness gathered for years

purify all within me
i've clouded vision,i cannot see
open my minds inner eye
and reveal endless possibilities

i carry burdens on my mind
i search for solutions i cannot find
creating questions with no answers
dull my senses and leave me blind

Well I liked it. I liked the rhyming scheme, and the rhythm was generally fine except for in the second stanza where it wasn't quite as strong. Perhaps changing a few words about, e.g. "My vision is clouded, I cannot see", would make the second stanza flow as well as the rest of the piece.

It seems a little unfinished though, as if it needs some kind of conclusion to round it off.

And I didn't think any of it was particularly clichéd - especially not the rain bit which DigUpHerBones criticised, although that would naturally be my opinion considering I just wrote an entire song here based extremely heavily around the whole "rain = sadness" cliché ...