#1
I had a melody worked out on piano, and these lines just sort of jumped into my head.

I fall back on the scripture,
When the rocks im climbing become to hard to hold.
The harness I've always trusted,
Loosens like a screw.
Two of them said it's hot, I was just being bold.

Even with my shirt off,
Exposed like a fish flopping on a dock,
I can still make women wonder,
"How hard can I get his cock?"
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
Last edited by freshtunes at Jun 25, 2008,
#2
Quote by freshtunes
I can still make women wonder,
"How hard can I get his cock?"

Egotripmuch? Myself, I don't quite feel the flow of the song when I read it. Maybe upload the piano piece?
Quote by Tire Me.
Raping her in front of other people would be morally wrong.

Quote by Bubbles516
wtf290 uses make bubbles feel like crap
Its super effective!
#3
i'm not feelin' it, Nick.



you can take that, either way.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#4
well the first stanza i'm definitely being presented with the whole "religion as a means to nullify the strains of everyday life" argument - you're falling back on biblical ideas of the afterlife to suspend your suffering on a daily basis.

the second stanza seems a little unrelated - i suppose it could fit in nicely, but you should definitely expand on this piece as far as i'm concerned. your writing is a tongue, in some senses (such as this one -> '; and it is essential that you continue, you manic little poet
#5

[CENTER](x+7)(x-7)
(x   +   7)(x   -   7)
(x      +      7)(x      -      7)
(x         +        7)(x         -         7)[/CENTER]


Okay?
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
Noo, don't expand.


It's a cute poem, nothing more nothing less. Not bad, but nothing stellar. You know what I mean. We've all had them. I liked the last line, made me smile.
#7
And I'm sure he could do some logical maths with it .
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#8
Meh, do whatever you want but expand this Nick... It doesn't need it. It's fine as is, not a line less not a line more. There's nothing you can expand to make it better, but lots you can do to make it worse, imho.


As I said before it works, but if you go into character development, you're going to lose that little spontaneous feel it has at the moment...
#9
Think I pretty much meant make this 'Two of them said it's hot, I was just being bold.'

line so I can actually understand it in my tired state of mind rather than expand the piece to make it longer.

*hides*
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#10
i wasn't considering a straight continuation of the text

i was thinking more of an addition within stanza 1 and 2... the link isn't as strong as it coud be and i think the narrator has so much more to say

this is a character that is making me want to put on my boots and go out into the fields and start digging and if more is said i will listen

this is potential

you're just looking at it in a negative sense confusius (step out of the physical world)

you remind me of the man who wrote on his desk and then the teacher saw it and then he vowed that he would never again indulge in such a selfish act

oh, we are selfish to some extent, aren't we?

of course, the choice lies entirely of the hands of freshtunes but this coculd be a truly marvelous shiver-inducing collection of fierce idords.

edit: listen to confusius, he's wise beyond his years.