#1
Never posted anything here before so here goes ... I'm relatively new to songwriting in general and have only ever written a couple of songs. This is the most recent one I have written ...

The musical style would be melodic death metal, most similar to Dark Tranquillity's Skydancer, In Flames's Lunar Strain or some old At The Gates stuff.

RAIN

Like the setting of the sun
And the darkness of the night
Little do I notice now
The gentle hiss of rain upon my window

Yet from somewhere deep inside
Comes a longing for the sun
And as the waters rise around me I hold on

Slowly but surely my strength fades away
Inevitably drowning in the flood

I've seen a score of splendid summers
Each more golden than the last
And yet the rain still falls upon my window

Year after year, night after night
Writhing in the vice-grip of despair

Sung to sleep by the music of the rain
Chasing sky-blue dreams around my head

Like the changing of the seasons
And the turning of the tides
Nothing can I do to stop
Another drop from falling on my world

And from somewhere deep inside
Comes a longing for the sun
And as the waters rise around me I hold on

Slowly but surely my strength fades away
Inevitably drowning in the flood

I've seen a score of splendid summers
Each more golden than the last
And yet the rain still falls upon my window

Year after year, night after night
Writhing in the vice-grip of despair

Sung to sleep by the music of the rain
Chasing sky-blue dreams around my head

And with every clap of thunder that echoes through my world
And every bolt of lightning that rips apart my sky
I collect another tear to go with all before
And every day as rain they fall
Swooping down to haunt me once again
Last edited by Malakian88 at Jun 25, 2008,
#2
I have to admit, I am a fan of the chorus (?) or whichever stanza begins with "I've seen a score of splendid summers" I think that whole section has some great language and provides a good opposite to the rest of the piece's darker imagery. Nicely done.
#4
Sounds pretty awesome to me.
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..
HOLY HELL.

nice discovery, sir.


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Last edited by coryklok : Today at 01:10 PM.
#5
Never posted anything here before so here goes ... I'm relatively new to songwriting in general and have only ever written a couple of songs. This is the most recent one I have written ...

Welcome to S&L - where we like to get down with our bad selves

RAIN

Like the setting of the sun
And the darkness of the night
Little do I notice now
The gentle hiss of rain upon my window
Appealing imagery here, but the last line
is a little lengthy compared to the rest. I would
suggest replacing upon my window with
some two-syllable word or phrase, such as outside.
That would also compliment inside in the next stanza well.


Yet from somewhere deep inside
Comes a longing for the sun
And as the waters rise around me I hold on

I'd like to see I hold on as a separate line.
It emphasizes it a bit more, and takes some of the
bulk out of the now-existing line.


Slowly but surely my strength fades away
Inevitably drowning in the flood

Inevitably isn't really a "song word" imo. Every time
I've heard someone try to sing a word with 5+ syllables
it always ends up sounding awkward and droning on. Easy fix though,
if you chose.


I've seen a score of splendid summers
Love the alliteration.
Each more golden than the last
And yet the rain still falls upon my window

Now I believe even more strongly that upon my window
should be outside - or something of the sort - in the
fist stanza. The repetition wouldn't work for me here, and now
upon my window is a fresh thought, a fresh image.


Year after year, night after night
Nice play on "day after day, night after night",
this is much more original.

Writhing in the vice-grip of despair

Sung to sleep by the music of the rain
Chasing sky-blue dreams around my head

Like the changing of the seasons
And the turning of the tides
A little clichéd, but the next two lines make up for that.
Nothing can I do to stop
Another drop from falling on my world

And from somewhere deep inside
Comes a longing for the sun
And as the waters rise around me I hold on

Once again, I hold on would
do more for me as a new line.


Slowly but surely my strength fades away
Inevitably drowning in the flood

I've seen a score of splendid summers
Each more golden than the last
And yet the rain still falls upon my window

Year after year, night after night
Writhing in the vice-grip of despair

Sung to sleep by the music of the rain
Chasing sky-blue dreams around my head

And with every clap of thunder that echoes through my world
And every bolt of lightning that rips apart my sky
I collect another tear to go with all before
And every day as rain they fall
Swooping down to haunt me once again
I don't like swooping down here. The other
images were so crisp, and this is just, meh.


There's some good stuff here, and though I don't like metal I enjoyed reading this.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.