#1
written in the shake of a lamb's tail for Alex.

the indications
of assimilation
one acquires
from the distinction
of the complicated
sounds, in retire
of the
under-achieveing,
yet personable,
misconception
of relflection
that we couldn't
grasp the day before;
puts us
crawling carpet
in the floor
again,
looking for a certain
lost earing.
-again-

a rationable
(and quite fashionable)
crash into
reality,
is exactly
what a
louder she,
and louder me,
would adore
(but in reality)
no more of a
mention
of a quite sane
conclusion
could be helpful;
just intrusion
on sacred grounds,
and tomorrow's
improvement.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Jun 25, 2008,
#2
the flow is breathtakingly marvelous.

this has some comic air floating around akin to what you'd usually feel reading cummings, which is excellent ("rationable, and quite fashionable").

i'd be lying if i told you i knew exactly what it meant. i'm looking into it. so i've got some kind of instinctual belief that the narrator and "she" were swept into some kind of cult religion or gang or something of that nature, and they would like to get out although it wouldn't actually do them any good even though the external world believes it would.

in some ways, this tells the story of Henry Hill's exit from the Mafia.

i would almost put my life on you having absolutely no intention of presenting that, but i loved this. the opening stanza almost made my head hurt
#3
The first stanza is one awfully long run on sentence. The line breaks are far too short imo. Some of the rhyming is substandard for you.


Second stanza is much better. I have no beef with it and I loved the bracketed lines.


My problem is the tone of this is like a tone I used to have, I won't call it pretentious cause I hated it when people called me that, it would really put me down, but there is a very slight speaking down on the reader which you might want to alter not in this but in your next piece.


There were glimmers of brilliance in this, I won't tell you where though, you can find them if you're clever. I can tell you there were some really awful parts you need to fix. Especially flow wise. For me, this had a very slow rhythm, perhaps to slow for the already slightly notc complex, but intricate to read content.


edit: skag and I apparently disagree, surprise surprise! I think you're best off taking the best of both crits.


Your call. I really hate the first sentence.
#5
Unfortunately not much. I'm not one for searching the deep meaning, I just like the effect the words imprint on my body. If I find a meaning afterwards, cool, but if I have to break my head looking, I can't be bothered.
#6
Everythihng I've come to expect really - ace flow, rhythm 'n rhyme, some cool one liners and description but something I struggle to grasp a solid meaning out of, leaving me a little cold nowadays to your pieces as I'm just not moved by them enough emotionally.


Here's your Comfort Zone


I would love this to be your next piece.
#7
i posed the piece in an entirely "way too intellectual and pretentious(yes you hit the nail on the head actually, confusius) fashion" for what it really is.
it's actually about a certain couple that i know; they fight day to day about the most ridiculous things(hence the "lost earing" section). then they proceed to complain arbitrarily about one another's completely human faults to the point that it almost drives one mad(if they could accept just taking a moment to step back for something as small as a breather, then alot of problems could be solved.)
i really didn't feel the need to incorporate any emotion in this; as the truth lies in its catatonic state already.

i didn't really understand the "comfort zone" thingy, Jamie. care to elaborate?
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#8
You've found a comfort zone.

I'd like to see you leave said zone, see how it pans out. Yknow, for kicks.
#9
ah hah! i see now.
maybe i shall. maybe.


only for kicks though.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#10
I would fully crit this but you have yet to post a non-freeverse piece (correct me if I'm wrong) and I think you should. Until you push yourself to do that I wont push myself to fully crit, deal?

This wasnt bad at all though, it just looks like a lot of what you've posted in the past and I agree with Jamie.

(and I even understood what Jamie meant with his little diagram )