#1
Hey there! Well, this one, I believe, needs a lot of work still. I made my point, and it was supposed to be vague, with a kind of hard interpretation and relation of events, but I'm afraid it sounds too random. Every critique is important on this one!

C4C (leave link)

If you see me lying on a steep street,
make sure to pick me up. 'Cause if you
won't, it was just another failed intent
of calling your attention, and a thrown away
five thousand dollars Armani suit. Man,
that'll weight heavy on my dusty wallet...

It'll be the death of the artist;
a sacrifice for a greater good:
a Cobain-ish veneration;
a godlike treatment.

Death in overrated, and
resurection is so
nineteen hundred
and seventy six years ago.
If Jesus really died at thirty two,
and expected a sinless life in heaven
obeying to a "reality-show vision" father,
I'm glad he had the guts to,
at least, fuck Mary Magdaline.
Our concrete divine image lost his
"V" with a whore, and died.
Mary M. must have been hot as hell...

So, if you see me lying on a steep street,
make sure to pick me up, fuck me,
and send me to the e-chair for rape
and attempt of murder. But please,
don't make me throw away this
five thousand dollar Armani suit.
Last edited by seventh_angel at Jun 25, 2008,
#2
i honestly think its horrible
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#3
To me it has no rhythm and just runs like you've written a story and hit the return key every few words. And it all seems a little random I'm afraid.

The only useful contribution I can make is that to un-censor something just put two opening bold/underline/italic tags followed immediately by two closing tags somewhere in the middle of the word, e.g. " f u c k " without the spaces.
#5
on the up side its very creative, but i really cant make much sense of it
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#7
This is a very critic piece. The relation is between the man in the Armani suit and Jesus, both with their proper image, and both with a wrong idea of sending a message. Besides, the belief in death as the stronger way of aquiring some sort of veneration; some sort of acknowledgement of someone's on Earth is another connection. In the end, the idea of not throwing away the Armani suit, is a representation of not giving up his ideas/thoughts... Sorry if I still was not explicit enough, I'll probably be back here with a better explanation, but it's still very early and I had a rough night.

Aproximately two hours after this, I'll be gone, and I'll only return sunday so, meanwhile, all the critics who want a crit back just leave the link, and I'll check on those when I'll get back.

Have a nice week !
#8
Cobain-ish?

Is that anything like Orwellian? Anyway, if you can sum up your entire poem in your title it typically means you've done something wrong.

Also, this is basically on the same level of ICP in terms of interesting ideas. You've taken the most juevenille approach to a "hot-button issue" which happens to be the Jesus.

I can't really offer anything other than it's incredibly juevenille, the character and tone in it is basically rebellious teenager trying to offend without having or making a point. It would be like me, a Jew, typing:

Lets Hug Hitler.

It makes no real sense, it has no meaning and is just offense for all the wrong reasons. This is what your piece is, offensive and mildly off-putting for all the wrong reasons.
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#10
i see the point you were trying to get across
but its lost in translation
it wasn't so much vague as it was misconstrued
but its not all bad i like your creativity to step out of the usual written context of literature
but this work is lost as it is
re-write it to back your point with some solid wording
Reaching for the sun
one may forget
the feet which
ground him
#11
it sounded like an interesting idea but i didn't like it...
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