#1
this is part of my unfinished song "crushed"...


Every lie, Every tear
Letting go, My worst fear
I hate to say goodbye
but baby you need to know
that you werent meant for me
and i need to see
it wasnt meant to be
Why does it hurt?
Why do i cry?
I have to tell this broken love
goodbye...

A thousand words couldnt bring you back,
I know because i have tried.
Neither could a thousand tears,
I know because i have cried.
You left behind a broken heart,
And happy memories too,
But I never wanted memories,
I only wanted you.

PLS CRIT!!!!!!!!!!...
Last edited by williamdllr at Jun 26, 2008,
#2
My only real problem with this is that it isn't clear what your thought is. You say that you "need to see it wasn't meant to be" but you also say that the other person needs to know that they weren't meant for you. Personally I think that one person should be leaving and one person should be left wondering why. If you don't agree, I think you should at least address maybe why both partners seem to not want to leave but leaving none-the-less. Also, personally I would stay away from retorical questions but that doesn't mean you can't talk about hurting and crying, just try describing it rather than asking why. In order to pull off a good breakup song, you really need to convey the painful emotions through words and i just don't feel that here. I know its an unfinished song so good luck working on it.

I'd really appreciate if you'd crit mine: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=894208
#3
I agree with ^.
I feel you need to develop your abilites to portray, not your belittling confusion, but your heart break and the confusion that envelopes that feeling in particular. Imagery, depressing words of emotion, articulate angry ancedotes; they are all methods you can use to convey a feeling of lonliness without your partener.
Also, you need to control what you are expressing here, it doesn't make entire sense. The questions you continuely ask contradict slightly with one another, although I guess that characterizes the feeling of desperation a little, so maybe you should focus on that more.
I think thats what you need to do: Focus on how both of you want to be with each other but still seperate and now you can't comprehend why, thats certainly an interesting idea.
I don't know whether you had originally planned that though?

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