#1
C4C, just leave a link

Hey guys, this is the first time I've managed to get a whole song written. Its still a pretty rough draft so I know there's plenty to be improved, I was just hoping to get some constructive criticism on it. The best I can describe the style of music would be sort of post-grunge, maybe acoustic. Thanks in advance.

EDIT: So I almost completely redid the song to the same rhythm, same idea, with a few of the same lines. I feel better about this because I think the song actually has an idea that drives it. So let me know what you think, or if you think there was something from the previous version that I should have kept. Thanks

"The Rain Tonight"

Cool tears fall,
Down from the sky,
Into my eyes looking up

The blackness up above,
Smothers the stars,
Space empty and infinite

And I stand here, bitter cold, on a
Warm summer night,
I'm all alone in the rain tonight
(Any ideas on how to change the second line so that "night" isn't rhyming with "tonight"?)

As my head starts to drop,
My eyes face the light,
Open like never before

Headlights float by, and I
See the beams,
Illuminate the drops of rain tonight

The bright streetlight,
Scatters through the mist,
Like the most vivid of dreams

My soul starts to warm,
Fire lit inside, this
Flame can't be quenched by rain tonight

(chorus)
As I walk through the shadow of the night,
The water opens up my eyes,
It opens up my mind,
To see the beauty of the rain,
The wonder and the pain,
See the darkness and the light collide

Stop and start again,
New life begins, through falling
Water, the rain tonight.
Last edited by badgerkid at Jun 30, 2008,
#2
Okay, I like the verses, and the way you broke the lines up, but the chorus seems to me to be a little over the top, and maybe a tiny bit cliched. I know what you are trying to say with it, but maybe if you connected it a little bit more with the verses, I'd like it more. Everything else is spot on though.
#3
Quote by badgerkid

Rain falls down, on my
Head, on the sidewalk, while I'm
Walking down the street

Seems a little self-explanatory. If you do a narrative, you really need to use some interesting vocabulary and tell a story.

Pavement glistens wet
Sounding off my steps
Counting down the minutes of my life

Very good, although the last line may be a little cliche, it works.

Cars drive by, I see the
See headlights glare
Through the mist, the rain tonight

Not bad, but I don't think you need to say "cars drive by", because we get that from the headlights.

(chorus)
I'm sinking in the shadow
Don't know whats ahead
While the angels fly above
In the darkness overhead

Ok, this has a lot of potential, but I think it's let down a bit by the fact that the first half and second half don't really relate to each other in any discernable way. You need to make it clearer how the two are relevant.

Streetlamps overhead
Light the empty space all
Around me, I'm all alone

Again, a little too self-explanatory.

Confusion of life
Shadows and the light
All on display, the rain tonight

Stop and start again
New life begins in the
Glow of the rain tonight

There's a sudden hopeful feel here, I quite like that.

Confusion of life
Shadows and the light
All on display, the rain tonight

I really like this last stanza. But I don't think the final 2 should be placed beside each other. They have contradictory messages.


Work on your descriptive/narrative parts, because you need to create an image or reveal something, rather than just sounding as though it's a song about your day. Other than that, this was good, although I suggest trying to avoid such rigid structure, because I know from experience that it only impairs you.
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Confused? Good.

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#4
Confusion of life
Shadows and the light
All on display, the rain tonight

i disliked the ending.
the first line sounds like
it's trying to sum it all up
with a vague general phrase
it broadens and blurs
rather than bringing to a close.
All on display is weak.
as if you're saying:
"see what i'm talking about?"


I'm sinking in the shadow
Don't know whats ahead
While the angels fly above
In the darkness overhead

while the chorus is passable,
it lacks any real power.
because it's repeated,
any improvement will have more impact.
don't be afraid to experiment
you can include any or none of this as you revise.
look for any hooks that may present themselves.
Meadows
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#5
So I rewrote the lyrics taking some of your comments into consideration. Personally, I think everything got changed for the better. It feels like the song is actually going somewhere as it goes on. I'm anxious to hear your comments to the new version so leave a comment saying what you like/don't like or any other comments you have

Thanks
#6
Quote by badgerkid

Cool tears fall,
Down from the sky,
Into my eyes looking up

The blackness up above,
Smothers out the stars,
Space empty and infinite

Much better, less obviousness and already the themes and direction are clearer. The first stanza is fantastic. I'm not sure about the flow of the 6th line.

And I stand there feeling cold, on a
Warm summer night,
I'm all alone in the rain tonight

The contradiction here is good, although I would try to say "feeling cold" more creatively. (Still, that could present problems and sound forced if you tried to keep to the rhythm you've developed, so I can see why you didn't.)
As my head starts to drop,
My eyes face the light,
Open like they never were before

Headlights float by, and I
See the beams,
Illuminate the drops of rain tonight

Fantastic. I think this works much better since you took out the cars line. Describing them as disembodied headlights really gives that night drive image.


The bright streetlight,
Scatters through the mist,
Like the most vivid of dreams

My soul starts to warm, like a
Fire lit inside, but this
Flame can't be quenched by rain tonight

The first stanza here is good, but I'm not so sure about the second. I don't think you need the smaller "post-comma" words on the first 2 lines, particularly "but this". The idea you're going for is excellent, it's just not quite with the flow.

(chorus)
As I walk through the shadow of the night,
The water opens my eyes,
It opens my mind,
To see the beauty of the rain,
The wonder and the pain,
See the darkness and the light collide

Very strong, although maybe try something more ambitious with the 3rd line. Still, if you don't, I would say this is still a great chorus.

Stop and start again,
New life begins, through falling
Water, the rain tonight.

Nice ending.


Improved tonnes, and it wasn't bad to begin with. Excellent piece. Thanks for the crit too.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#7
So I changed the "feeling cold" to "bitter cold" and I think it really helps because its more creative and also has a little bit of a double meaning there. I changed the stanza before the chorus a little by taking out some words but I might just rewrite it later. I agree that the third line of the chorus isn't very ambitious but I think it fits well so for now it stays in with the possibility of being looked at again later. I'm definitely open to any comments on these changes or anything else.

There is one thing I would like some input on though.
Quote by badgerkid

And I stand here, bitter cold, on a
Warm summer night,
I'm all alone in the rain tonight

I like the idea here, but I would like some other way to say it because I don't want it to appear as though I'm trying to rhyme and can't come up with anything better than "night" rhyming with "tonight"

Anyways, all comments welcome and C4C of course.
#8
Thanks for the crit, here we go.

Cool tears fall,
Down from the sky,
Into my eyes looking up

I like the reverse of the usual here, very
engaging opening.


The blackness up above,
Smothers out the stars,
Space empty and infinite

I would omit out.


And I stand here, bitter cold, on a
It would put more emphasis on bitter cold in a
interesting way if you made it a new line and put on a
in front of warm summer night.

Warm summer night,
I'm all alone in the rain tonight

The redundancy between tonight and night
is too obvious here, I was a bit disappointed with the lack
of real rhyme.


As my head starts to drop,
My eyes face the light,
Open like they never were before

The first two lines in this verse were great,
then the last chopped the flow up a little. Up until
now everything has been short and sweet. Something
like open like never before might solve that.

Headlights float by, and I
Nice use of line breakage.
See the beams,
Illuminate the drops of rain tonight

Tonight not necessary again, the time of
day has already been mentioned twice.


The bright streetlight,
Scatters through the mist,
Like the most vivid of dreams

I really enjoyed this verse, very lucid imagery.

My soul starts to warm,
Fire lit inside, this
Flame can't be quenched by rain tonight

Thrice again, I'd remove tonight.

(chorus)
As I walk through the shadow of the night,
With those tonights removed this line and the next
would work well.

of the night
The water opens up my eyes,
It opens my up mind,
What? *Mind up?
To see the beauty of the rain,
The wonder and the pain,
See the darkness and the light collide

Began to get cliche towards the end, otherwise good.

Stop and start again,
New life begins, through falling
Water, the rain tonight.


Entertaining read, I thought it was a poem until I hit the chorus (which by the way, isn't really a chorus unless it's repeated) so some suggestions I made on line breaks and such may be unnecessary in light of that.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#9
Oh, wow this has changed a lot since I last glanced at it, I like the changes a lot, the chorus is great now, and even the verses (which I really liked before) are more poetic, they seem to flow in a way that mirrors the rain itself.

And I still love the way you end this song.
#10
Quote by badgerkid
C4C, just leave a link

Hey guys, this is the first time I've managed to get a whole song written. Its still a pretty rough draft so I know there's plenty to be improved, I was just hoping to get some constructive criticism on it. The best I can describe the style of music would be sort of post-grunge, maybe acoustic. Thanks in advance.

EDIT: So I almost completely redid the song to the same rhythm, same idea, with a few of the same lines. I feel better about this because I think the song actually has an idea that drives it. So let me know what you think, or if you think there was something from the previous version that I should have kept. Thanks

"The Rain Tonight"

Cool tears fall,
Down from the sky,
Into my eyes looking up

The blackness up above,
Smothers the stars,
Space empty and infinite

And I stand here, bitter cold, on a
Warm summer night,
I'm all alone in the rain but its alright
(Any ideas on how to change the second line so that "night" isn't rhyming with "tonight"?)

As my head starts to drop,
My eyes face the light,
Open like never before

Headlights float by, and I
See the beams,
Illuminate the drops of rain tonight

The bright streetlight,
Scatters through the mist,
Like the most vivid of dreams

My soul starts to warm,
Fire lit inside, this
Flame can't be quenched by rain tonight

(chorus)
As I walk through the shadow of the night,
The water opens up my eyes,
It opens up my mind,
To see the beauty of the rain,
The wonder and the pain,
See the darkness and the light collide

Stop and start again,
New life begins, through falling
Water, the rain tonight.


Does that work for the 3rd stanza? Its just off the top of my head. I don't think it'd be all bad to keep it the way it is. I think this is a pretty good piece, but I'm not the best of critics. All I can say is it seems like it could be improved by having it go somewhere, like if you could give it even a slight development as the song goes on. Currently it feels a bit stagnant.

But anyways, I do think its a pretty good song. Thanks for your crit on my piece, btw!
We're only strays.
#11
And I stand here, bitter cold, on a
Warm summer night,
I'm all alone in the rain tonight
(Any ideas on how to change the second line so that "night" isn't rhyming with "tonight"?)


my idea would be to go:

And I stand here, bitter cold,
on a summer night
im in the rain tonight, all alone.

idk maybe something like that avoiding ryhming night alltogether. idk thats my 2 cents. but the rest is nice, i like it. anyways peace.
#12
Quote by badgerkid
C4C, just leave a link

Hey guys, this is the first time I've managed to get a whole song written. Its still a pretty rough draft so I know there's plenty to be improved, I was just hoping to get some constructive criticism on it. The best I can describe the style of music would be sort of post-grunge, maybe acoustic. Thanks in advance.

EDIT: So I almost completely redid the song to the same rhythm, same idea, with a few of the same lines. I feel better about this because I think the song actually has an idea that drives it. So let me know what you think, or if you think there was something from the previous version that I should have kept. Thanks

"The Rain Tonight"

Cool tears fall,
Down from the sky,
Try not to capitalize on everything, it diverts your attention from the words and onto the punctuation, something I don't like doing.
Into my eyes looking up

The blackness up above,
Smothers the stars,
Space empty and infinite
Really nice picture here that you have painted of beauty and how humans appreciate that beauty.

And I stand here, bitter cold, on a
Warm summer night,
Cool contrast.
I'm all alone in the rain tonight
(Any ideas on how to change the second line so that "night" isn't rhyming with "tonight"?)
I personally am terrible at writing for other people when they already have an idea penned, sorry.

As my head starts to drop,
My eyes face the light,
Open like never before
Totally disorientated here.

Headlights float by, and I
See the beams,
Illuminate the drops of rain tonight
Odd lines breaks but beautiful imagery.

The bright streetlight,
Scatters through the mist,
Like the most vivid of dreams
Too much light allusion here, its becoming tiresome. It feels like you are exhausting every possible outlet to reach the metaphors linked with these pictures, in other words, if feels forced.

My soul starts to warm,
Fire lit inside, this
Flame can't be quenched by rain tonight
Fire here, lights there, flames everywhere!

(chorus)
As I walk through the shadow of the night,
The water opens up my eyes,
Finally we're quenched with a different feeling, if a little overly opposite.
It opens up my mind,
To see the beauty of the rain,
The wonder and the pain,
See the darkness and the light collide
Poetic.
Stop and start again,
New life begins, through falling
Water, the rain tonight.
Ends on a familiar note, not sure I like that.


A little bit too long, a little bit too repeitive and a little bit lovely!
Sorry I couldn't lend any more help.

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