#1
Disclaimer: This was originally written as a poem in 10th grade or something for a school project, and had dozens of limitations on it, so if anything seems off, that is probably why.

(F)Light of a Voyager

I have flown over fathomless
seas, searching for what I have lost.
Sharp wind bites to the bone as I
soar through soft clouds. Water I crossed
blue under me, wavering like
my resolve, my belief turning

soft. The sky is now dark, and so
is my heart. Mist curves around me,
all hope is lost. A cry is caught in
my throat as success is ruined.
Across rocks below, dreams are strewn
and mysteries kissed by the stars'

bright light thrive. Below is what I
seek, sought yet unseen. Above is
the leathery sky. As the sun
starts to rise, time begins to wane,
and the voyager's eye swings back
to seek the place from which it came.

[c4c]
#2
I keep reading it to find something to be critical about... but I can't really find anything. I think the lyrics are amazing because they seem to portray a great image and yet pretty much everything could be open to a deeper interpretation. It seems like it might be hard to come up with music that fit the format as it is but if it could it would be great and if you couldn't, I'd suggest leaving the lyrics as is, just cutting up the lines a little different. Overall, great job, I'm jealous.

anyways, if you want to crit mine, I'd appreciate it: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=894208
#4
Um, you don't really have to follow my advice, but I have a suggestion for the line breaks:

"(F)Light of a Voyager

I have flown
over fathomless seas, searching for
what I have lost.
Sharp wind
bites to the bone
as I
soar through
soft clouds.
Water I crossed
blue under me, wavering
like my resolve, my belief turning"

It just looks better and smoother flowing IMHO
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#5
(F)Light of a Voyager

I have flown over fathomless
seas, searching for what I have lost.
Sharp wind bites to the bone as I
soar through soft clouds. Water I crossed
blue under me, wavering like
my resolve, my belief turning
I really loved the line 'Sharp wind bites to the bone as I soar through soft clouds. Although 'Water I crossed/Blue under me feels very redundant. It's necessary for the right amount of syllables but redundant nonetheless.

soft. The sky is now dark, and so
is my heart. Mist curves around me,
all hope is lost. A cry is caught in
my throat as success is ruined.
Across rocks below, dreams are strewn
and mysteries kissed by the stars'
I really like how the mood changes here. It was dark/mysterious in the first stanza but takes that feeling to an extreme here. This is my favorite part of the poem, excellent job here.

bright light thrive. Below is what I
seek, sought yet unseen. Above is
the leathery sky. As the sun
starts to rise, time begins to wane,
and the voyager's eye swings back
to seek the place from which it came.
This too was quite good. I especially liked the subtle rhyme between rise and eye. I have no real complaints in the last two stanzas.
#6
You're very talented at conveying an image with a good sense of originality. As far as music goes, I'm bias in favor of acoustic stuff and could see this being put with a Dashboard Confessional or Secondhand Serenade style. Right now I see it as more of a poem, more than anything. It needs a core. A chorus in other words. You also have a really good vocabulary which makes catching the syllables in a song kind of difficult. I think you would have a lot more line breaks if this were fully put into a song.


My favorite line was: "Across rocks below, dreams are strewn
and mysteries kissed by the stars"

I definitely think you should convert it fully to a song.
#10
Quote by Skaliveson
Disclaimer: This was originally written as a poem in 10th grade or something for a school project, and had dozens of limitations on it, so if anything seems off, that is probably why.

(F)Light of a Voyager

I have flown over fathomless
Maybe this a little bit of a mouthful as an opening statement?
seas, searching for what I have lost.
Sharp wind bites to the bone as I
soar through soft clouds. Water I crossed
Nice alliteration; Its not simple but its not complicated either.
blue under me, wavering like
Cool word play here.
my resolve, my belief turning

soft. The sky is now dark, and so
Interesting choice of line break, a much more detailed and thorough method of changing stanzas.
is my heart. Mist curves around me,
I'm sure you've used "mist" in two of your pieces already. Is this a part of that saga you have going? If so, I can understand. Sorry to be complacent here mate.
all hope is lost. A cry is caught in
Love the way "lost" and "caught" contrast each other.
my throat as success is ruined.
Really weird and quirky, very different from you.
Across rocks below, dreams are strewn
and mysteries kissed by the stars'
Wishy woshy, but nice.

bright light thrive. Below is what I
seek, sought yet unseen. Above is
the leathery sky. As the sun
starts to rise, time begins to wane,
and the voyager's eye swings back
to seek the place from which it came.
This is seemless and a true joy to read. Something I can speak out loud and find pure delight in.

[c4c]


Very aimless and meandering. Sometimes that is all life needs.

Digitally Clean