#1
heavy ripples cast shadows
on calmer water
as twilight turns to night

the port comes into view
but no one notices
who could?
the chicken dance is playing

upbeat absurdities
enthralling

one breaks away from the crowd;
a quiet breeze
a softer sigh

is there, perhaps
more to this?
more than the dancing,
the food,
more than the clichéd waitress;
pretty, and always with a smile
just for you


for a moment
the dark landscape pales
and an upward glance
reveals infinity
divinity

white noise becomes real
with the DJ's voice
"You'll all enjoy this one,
here's a blast from your past,"
the Village People begin to sing,
another odd choice


you try to hold on
but it's gone

the land returns
a silhouette,
and the night sky,
just a sky
with far too many stars
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Jun 26, 2008,
#2
great , is there a chord progression to go with it ?
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#3
I really don't see much wrong here at all, I like the breaks in lines a lot, and the constantly alternating between mundane thoughts and higher ones is a great concept, (I haven't seen it before at least). The title is what pulls this piece together though, really focusing exactly what is going on in the character's head. Wholly satisfying. Thank you.
#4
Thanks guys, and bender - no I wrote it as a poem, but I guess it could be used for lyrics also
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#5
heavy ripples cast shadows
on calmer water
as twilight turns to night
not sure how i feel about ripples casting shadows.
turns to screams for more.
becomes, fades to, idk, something.
still, a pleasing image.


the port comes into view
but no one notices
who could?
the chicken dance is playing
not sure what the port is.
a woman?
an epiphany?


upbeat absurdities
enthralling
this could easily split into three, if you're so inclined.
absurdities would become absurd.


one breaks away from the crowd;
one? you? a woman?
a quiet breeze
a softer sigh

is there, perhaps
more to this?
more than the dancing,
the food,
more than the clichéd waitress;
pretty, and always with a smile
just for you


yes
there it is

hated this immensely.
you just asked a question.
now you're saying you found the answer.
how annoying.
you could just let this reach whatever resolution
or lack of, as the piece moves on.
*slaps Jake with a trout*


just for a moment
the dark landscape pales
and an upward glance
reveals infinity
divinity

white noise becomes real
with the DJ's voice
"You'll all enjoy this one,
here's a blast from your past,"
the Village People begin to sing,
another odd choice


you try to hold on
but it's gone

the land returns
a silhouette,
and the night sky,
just a sky
with far too many stars

i never quite grasped the metaphor here.
it seemed like what you were searching for was land of some sort
but the land returned after you were unable to hold on.
nice moments, but i never fully understood this.
Meadows
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#6
I don't like the change from the question to the answer, but although a more subtle change would be brilliant, I personally think that you could get away with either just taking out the 'just for a moment' line, or finding a way to change both that and the 'yes, there it is' line.
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#7
I actually really liked this. I liked the image you created at the start, and the way you described the scene. I see you on a cruise ship, am I close?

I can relate to it quite a bit as it brings back memories of a time when I was travelling in Honduras, stepping away from a party beside the Carribbean, blanking out all the dancing and music and general merriment and staring out over the water pondering life and its meaning. I especially liked the way you had this epiphany yet were snapped back to reality just too soon and couldn't get back to your train of thought. And I also like the way you brought the image back at the end.

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#8
SYK/Dig - I agree, I'm going to remove those two lines altogether. And SYK, don't make me pike slap you (it hurts much more than trout slapping).

Mal - Thanks, I was in fact talking about a ferry boat, but pretty much the same idea. I'm feeling critty (oh so critty) today, so I gave yours a full one.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.