#1
5 min. freestyle exercise. There's some meaning to this, hopefully it's not too buried!

Red rover, red rover,
the boy used to cry.
Just schoolyard politics at an early age.

Tag, you're it,
the girl used to lie.
Just schoolyard politics at an early age.

They mimic like mirrors,
the instructions lied.
A perfect image,
in the teacher's eyes.

Just schoolyard politics at an early grave.
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Portugal. The Man »–
#2
Red rover, red rover,
the boy used to cry.
Just schoolyard politics at an early age.

Lolwut

Tag, you're it,
the girl used to lie.
Just schoolyard politics at an early age.


They mimic like mirrors,
the instructions lied.
A perfect image,
in the teacher's eyes.

Just schoolyard politics at an early grave.

It's pretty neat actually, I mean... it makes no sense what so ever, especially in the middle of each stanza, but I guess I kinda dig that beatnik structure.

Word.
Marijuana is the spice of life.

I Force Choke my penis when I masturbate.

8)-~
#3
Quote by Raven*
Red rover, red rover,
the boy used to cry.
Just schoolyard politics at an early age.

Lolwut

Tag, you're it,
the girl used to lie.
Just schoolyard politics at an early age.


They mimic like mirrors,
the instructions lied.
A perfect image,
in the teacher's eyes.

Just schoolyard politics at an early grave.

It's pretty neat actually, I mean... it makes no sense what so ever, especially in the middle of each stanza, but I guess I kinda dig that beatnik structure.

Word.


Thanks Raven. I know it kind of seems like the meaning is buried but, I'm sure some people will find it if they think about what's being said... but yeah, I can see where you get the beatnik comment from!
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Portugal. The Man »–
#4
Hrmmm, well the concept isn't bad but some of the execution is. I mean, it's a nice idea but at times in the piece it's just put out a bit boring and blandly.

The first stanza isn't particularly attention grabbing, and whilst it leads onto the next one and the end of the piece there might be some way to change it so it has more impact.

I thought that the line about mirrors was weak, it's a pretty cliched image passed off as something creative and original, maybe find a different comparison.


That's about it, the last line had some punch in it.
#5
Quote by jasonmetal love
5 min. freestyle exercise. There's some meaning to this, hopefully it's not too buried!

Red rover, red rover,
the boy used to cry.
Just schoolyard politics at an early age.

I assume Red Rover is relevant to some sort of playground game where you're from, but it sounds alien to me. I still like it though, and I think the use of repitition works.

Tag, you're it,
the girl used to lie.
Just schoolyard politics at an early age.

My favourite stanza. It's simple and yet has a lot of subtlety. Just very cleverly understated.

They mimic like mirrors,
the instructions lied.
A perfect image,
in the teacher's eyes.

I get exactly what you're trying to say here, but I think the impact of the message is lost somewhere along the way.

Just schoolyard politics at an early grave.

Variation is good.


Overall I like it. If you feel like it, please crit mine:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=894664
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#6
Quote by break-me-in
Overall I like it. If you feel like it, please crit mine:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=894664


Yeah, Red Rover is a schoolyard game where two teams make a line parallel to each other holding hands. One line starts of first and chants, "Red Rover, Red Rover, send (INSERT NAME OF PERSON) right over!". Then, that person has to run into the other line as hard as he/she can and try and break the grip of the opposing hand holders bond. Pretty symbolic of politics if you ask me!

Thanks for the crit! I knew that middle stanza would throw some people, ah well, If I have time, I'll crit yours
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Portugal. The Man »–
#7
By all means continue with the use of that metaphor, but it's execution could be so much more valiant.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#8
Quote by jasonmetal love
Yeah, Red Rover is a schoolyard game where two teams make a line parallel to each other holding hands. One line starts of first and chants, "Red Rover, Red Rover, send (INSERT NAME OF PERSON) right over!". Then, that person has to run into the other line as hard as he/she can and try and break the grip of the opposing hand holders bond. Pretty symbolic of politics if you ask me!

Thanks for the crit! I knew that middle stanza would throw some people, ah well, If I have time, I'll crit yours


Cool.

Yeah, now that I know what the game is, the piece seems stronger as a whole. It's a good opening line, provided you actually know the game.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#9
hi! I thought that this piece was pretty solid and a nice read.

The first stanza was simple but the use of repetition on "red rover" made it sound like you had planned it out. i liked the first stanza.

The second stanza was my favorite and i agree with the guy who said that it clever and subtle, it was a deft touch of writing - if that makes sense and it was well written. Nice stuff!

Although the third stanza was slightly weaker i thought that changing the length and flow was really clever. It was refreshing and seemed to spark up. I thought that the first line of the stanza was a bit out of place, i just didn't see the relevance but it was all good and i liked the finale of "school yard politics at an early grave" good ending

all in all i thought it was a tight piece and was short but sweet. I couldn't quite find the meaning but it was still a nice read, keep it up!
#10
Honestly, I think it being a not-so-well known game, this could do with a clever description of it after the line '...at an early age'. An ever so slight expansion and an edit of the mirrors part could do wonders.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#12
Quote by DigUpHerBones
Honestly, I think it being a not-so-well known game, this could do with a clever description of it after the line '...at an early age'. An ever so slight expansion and an edit of the mirrors part could do wonders.


I might work out something like this. We'll see. This was mainly just an exercise.
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Portugal. The Man »–
#13
Never heard of red rover, maybe it's an american/canadian thing or something.

It's a shame, but I haven't really got too much to add other than what people have already offered. I think that the execution was decent, and the idea is strong, but it never really catches you entirely. The wit is there, but it's not strong enough at this point to evoke emotion, I don't think. The idea of politics being evident in children who seemingly aren't aware of it is great, I think, as are some of the lines, but "the girl used to lie" i don't know, cry/lie is too simple a rhyme for such a topic, i think. This isn't some happy little love song, it's something alot more serious, and the simplicity of the rhymes kind of trivialises the issue, I think.

I thought the final stanza was strong.

Sorry I can't be too productive.
#14
Quote by skagitup
Never heard of red rover, maybe it's an american/canadian thing or something.

It's a shame, but I haven't really got too much to add other than what people have already offered. I think that the execution was decent, and the idea is strong, but it never really catches you entirely. The wit is there, but it's not strong enough at this point to evoke emotion, I don't think. The idea of politics being evident in children who seemingly aren't aware of it is great, I think, as are some of the lines, but "the girl used to lie" i don't know, cry/lie is too simple a rhyme for such a topic, i think. This isn't some happy little love song, it's something alot more serious, and the simplicity of the rhymes kind of trivialises the issue, I think.


I agree with what I've bolded, but personally I think the simple rhyme mirrors the children in their innocence and ignorance, and thus contrasts well with the subject matter.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT